Tuesday, October 9, 2007

Weird headaches--I can't believe it

Weird headaches--I can't believe it--I think the morons have put me on the goddamned lithium again!  I am so outraged, beyond belief, beyond words.  I have suffered so much at their hands doping me with lithium and now it is starting again.  I am in chronic pain from the weird headaches (that I had before with lithium, and now I am in chronic pain as every muscle in my body has stiffened up. Walking is like lifting tree trunks.  My arms are so heavy and feel so dead that I could barely get my wet laundry out of the washer today.  When I drive I find it difficult to turn my head, and my trunk, torso, and spine are painfully stiff and dead as they were before.  I have gained even more weight since my last entry two days ago.  My arms no longer swing freely by my side.  They are rotating outwardly  to accomodate the increase in fat on my torso.  If I were to get a job today, I would have to spend hundreds of dollars on a wardrobe, because even the clothes I used to wear when I was at my fattest no longer fit me.   Then there are the outrageous mood swings (another killer clue--the only times I suffer mood swings like that is when I am on psychotropic drugs)--and especially the rage at the people who have turned me into a subhuman whale blob who cannot stand myself or the chronic pain I am constantly in.  I have way too much fluid in my brain.  Even if I had the surgery on my right eye to save my optic nerve (and right now it is in really bad shape), there is no way that I could function with the pressure of pain behind my eyeballs and in my brain. 

I am tired of suffering this shit God.  How much longer can I endure?  These abusive torturers have already done so much permanent damage to me.  How much longer can I endure.  I just want to curl up and let what will happen happen.  I can't fight it anymore.  It amuses me to read of Bush emphasizing how this country doesn't torture.  What a lie!  Not only do the security agencies of this country torture, they torture their own citizens.   What I have endured, and am enduring is TORTURE, TORTURE, TORTURE.  I know who the active partner is too, and I won't forget it (but then again, maybe I will.  Lithium has caused me to have serious memory problems.  Maybe I won't remember anything at all in a few weeks).  I hurt too much to sit.  Every muscle in my body hurts.  I am tired of suffering at the hands of these pigs. 

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