194 pounds!--A new high in weight. I have been too sick to work out so that I cannot control my weight at all. Also, for some reason I am craving sugar, which really I don't have much taste for, at all. The only time I crave sugar is when I am feeling very sick with the flu. There's no doubt that I feel terribly ill and low energy, but now I suspect that I am being force fed another psychotropic drug like Risperdal which has diabetes as one of its potential side effects (I figured out that it was Risperdal that was responsible for that bizarre pancake craving I had the other week). The worst part of the weight gain is the fluid gain. My head is just floating and pain wracked with the excess fluid pressure, and there's nothing I can do to stop the never ending headaches. OTC drugs don't work. Fiornal doesn't work. Vicodin does, but I am out of Vicodin and waiting for a refill.
I suppose I shouldn't be so depressed and stressed about my weight or constant headaches and muscle spasms. I came very close today to having a severe car accident, when "high" and alienated from reality on the goddamned speed that is constantly in my system, I made the biggest driving mistake ever. I made a turn onto the wrong lane, driving into the lane for oncoming traffic! And it was on Coors during rush hour! The only thing that saved me was that I was driving in an extended turning bay lane. What can I say? I just wasn't in reality when I made the turn, but when I saw headlights coming right at me, I snapped into reality pdq, and started blowing my horn and turned on my hazards. I'm truly lucky that I wasn't hit. I have driven walloping drunk and stoned many times in my youth, but I have never been so out of reality that I turned into the lane for oncoming traffic. Then I went to try to buy a gift for John, but I was so high I couldn't read or "feel" what an appropriate gift for him might be. I am going to bed. I am going to thank God for saving my life today, and hope that tomorrow is a better day....
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