Drugged--and no choice but to endure it

Drugged--and no choice but to endure it.  I am stoned and out of reality 24/7.  I am walking like a senior citizen and am so weak in all my muscles that I can barely perform my daily tasks.  Aging 40 years in the span of a week, thanks to drugs, really sucks.  But all of my life sucks right now.  I have no joy, no energy,  no connection, no enthusiasm for life or any of its components.  I look at my messy house with clocks that still haven't been changed to daylight savings time, slut's wool gathering in the hallway, and a light cover that needs to be screwed into place over the kitchen lightbulb, but cleaning house for me is a high energy effort, and now I have no energy at all.  In a cupboard, I have some Christmas lights that I put up on my front window last year, but I am totally overwhelmed at the thought of even trying to climb onto a two-stepper, with my numb legs and locked quads, much less maintain my poor, severely compromised balance while I affix lights or try to screw in a light cover with weakened, deadened arms.   Besides the only point and purpose of Christmas lights is to to spread joy and cheer, and I have neither, nor do I expect to experience or contribute any in the near future.  I suppose I will go home for Christmas, but honestly, I have no enthusiasm for that, either.  I get to listen to my deluded mother tell me lies that she believes herself.  (I still can't get over how she thought I was doing so well, "stabilized" on Risperdal, when what I endured was a month of sheer, torturous, painful hell of constant headaches, complete alienation from reality, and muscle spasms and rigidity, and she didn't have a clue.  The attorney I was seeing (and who had spent with me a grand total time of about 20 minutes over 3 visits) had better and truer insight into the real suffering and pain of my condition than my own mother.  When I started to come out of the drug-torture fog, she commented what a different and better person I seemed, and said, "It's the first time I ever have seen you smile."  Well, I guess people had better get used to seeing a grim-faced, unsmiling, autistic person (oh, but I will be so well "chemically-balanced").  I don't give a shit anymore what people think of me.  It is too hard trying to maintain emotional connections and getting in touch with my "heart," that is, my feeling function. I tried to talk onthe phone to Jessie last night, and was dismayed by my utter lack of emotional connection.  I haven't felt so emotionally clumsy and autistic in YEARS.    Oh, but I am "chemically balanced" now. 

What a fucking lie!  Chemical balance has nothing to do with why I have suffered pain, agony, and the grossest of human violations against my person in the last ten years.  It is all about control.  The NSA is only accustomed to dealing with deadened or  sold-out souls, and that is what it is looking to form in me.  But I am not a research scientist, which is what they specialize in appropriating and controlling.  My vocation, if I am ever allowed to live it, involves human relations and inspiration, and guess what, autistic individuals (no matter how "chemically balanced", are not capable of achievement in that area.  I spent years getting past my autism just for these assholes to undo it all with their fucking drugs.

Then there is the other element of control--I thought that I was freeing myself of religious coercive conversion by leaving the Catholic Church.  How disappointing to learn that the Episcopalians are playing the same lame, sorry, losing strategy.  Well, it is very easy to forego attendance at church when I can't even pray (because I pray from the heart, and these chemicals have separated me from my heart), and besides, I  really don't like walking in front of people like the psychotropic-drugged zombie I am.  Here's the bottom line:  get it or don't.  I am not going to be part of any religious organization's agendas, goals or community, until I am respected as a free child of God.  If you cannot respect me as a free child of God, and are going to lie to me, participate in drugging me, and attempt to manipulate a conversion that goes against my free choice to knowingly participate and affirm, then go your separate way.  I want NO part of you.  I will NOT cooperate with people who are attempting to control or manipulate me.  Period.  It is the only free choice that I can make, since I am not even in reality enough to make any others.  I am disgusted and dismayed beyond belief....  Nothing for it--my life doesn't even belong to me.  Forget a conversion assholes.  Give me my life back, and my free choice back--that is the prerequisite for any cooperative effort on my part, but as long as you are drugging me, any cooperation from me will be severely compromised.  Now I have to quit typing because my arms are totally dead from all your damned drugs.