Never in my life have I been so miserable

Never in my life have I been so miserable as I am now.  I am in constant pain.  I cannot interact with reality--especially I can't handle peoople, emotions or noise.  I know that I am autistic again.  The amazing thing is that for me, music has become noise that just grates my nerves, whereas for me, music has always been an important part of my life.   On top of all this, I am in constant pain from muscle spasms and nerve damage to my leg.  I hate my body.  I can no longer stand to look at the obese Jaba the Hutt I have become.  I can't even stand to look in the mirror.  I don't recognize the person staring back at me.  I hate my life.  I go to bed crying and wake up crying.  I am unable to pray, reach my heart, my spirit or my soul.  But none of this matters.  I have decided it is not worth fighting anymore.  The NSA has turned me into a slave, with absolutely no rights to personhood, and there is nothing I can do about it, but suffer it.