Body is starting to break down

Body is starting to break down, with constant and painful muscle spasms from all the speed that I am being force fed.  I had to take 2 Vicodin and 3 Tylenol PMs to sleep last night, and for all that, I woke up with spasming pain in my neck and back that has lasted all day.  Tonight is going to be another multiple Vicodin night because the pain is unbearable.  In addition, my knee is swollen and painful--I haven't been able to take a regular walking stride in a long time, and walking with no bend in the knee joint is starting to take its toll.  I am on some kind of weird drug that is stiffening all my joints, and believe me, it is scary and painful, and oh so old.  I am so tired of being in pain. 

On top of all that, I am so emotionally disassociated from reality that really, it's almost interesting--kind of like the first few times being high when I was trying to figure out what being high was like.  I listened to part of a PBS concert, and was just blown away that the music and talent and lyrics had absolutely no effect on me--none whatsoever.  At one point they played "Jesus, Joy of Man's Desiring," a song that I used to be able to play on the dulcimer (yes, remember years ago, before they started drugging you, how you used to be able to play an instrument...), and which has always left me deeply moved.  And you know what?  I couldn't feel a thing.  No heart.  No spirit.  No love.  No contemplation.  No beauty or sense of aesthetic.  Oh yes, NSA, I am truly being formed in your image.  Oh, except for the most important part---your goddamned lies that you force on me, and the rest of this country that you were supposed to uphold and protect.  You sold out satanic spawn--you are destroying my body and my brain, but by God, I will hold on to what I know to be the truth.  Fortunately for you, you won't have much difficulty finding people to do your evil for you.  My problem is that I let people get away with it.  Well no more--after the bitch that sprayed me with dope Saturday in the library (oh, and she thought she was doing something really special for Jesus and humanity when she did it), I said enough.  I have known for a long time what a sorry, sold out lame piece of humanity she is, and out of kindness I kept a superficial pleasantry with her, but guess what?  Your damned drugs are successfully separating me from my soul, my spirituality and all of my efforts at exercising Christian virtue, and it is getting harder and harder to be a holy human being when I am subhuman myself. 

As I write, my left arm is going dead, and I am suffering terrible back pain.  I know pain makes me cranky, but I am not sorry.  I am sorry I ever had anything to do with the SLI.  Time to take more painkillers, and try to go to sleep.  I don't feel good at all