Friday, December 7, 2007

Vegetable

Vegetable.  Worse than a vegetable because I am in constant pain from the back muscle spasms caused by all the speed that I am force fed.  But mentally, I am a vegetable.  I went for a job interview today.  I was a little worried going into it, because I couldn't mentally prepare for it.  As soon as I knew that I had an interview, I went through my standard mental preparation of imagining possible questions and mentally role playing my answers.  Dead end.  No mental preparation or imagination allowed on anti-psychotics.  I knew that the one question I always get in call center jobs is "Tell me how you successfully resolved one customer's issue one time."  Well normally, when I get that question, my mind literally goes through twenty or thirty images before I pull one that I think would work best.  Guess what?  I cannot remember one single incident.  Trying to access my memory is like running into a black wall.  Mengele Martin and company already have done permanent damage to my memory.  How much more?  The other day when I was talking with Jessie, I realized I could not remember the faces of people I worked with 2-3 years ago--at all!  I could remember their names and a little about them, but no faces, whatsoever. 

So, I can't remember anything.  I decided to brave the interview anyway, hoping that I wouldn't get asked a memory question.  But when I got there, they wanted to give me a test.  Oh no--big problem.  Normally, I enjoy taking tests.  I always do well on tests because I normally have an unusually speedy and accurate reading comprehension.  Not when I am on drugs.  I have told these people that I cannot read when I am on these antipsychotics (to which Mengele Martin fed Dr. Huaman the question, "You mean your mind is racing?")  No, you dumb fucks. My mind is a total blank, a zero, empty, black hole... I CAN'T READ.  GET IT?  I CAN'T READ. I who once read at the postgraduate level in the 8th grade can not read now at the level of a sixth grader.  I read the instructions through three times, and not once, not even once, did they make sense to me.  Because it was a math test, I thought I would do the test and hope that my lack of understanding of directions didn't handicap me.  Guess what?  I couldn't do simple math.  I am almost as excellent in arithmetic as I am at reading, but there was only one question that I could answer with my usual facility--and even then, my thinking process seemed slowed to the point of mental retardation.  One question wanted me to multiply a number by 1000, and I couldn't even trust my own judgment to add the right number of zeros, so I used the calculator.  But the more I started to go into the test, the more confused I became.  It involved converting metric to our (whatever it's called--I don't remember) system, and I couldn't hold two concepts in my head at once, so I told the lady I would try taking the test another time.  But the bottom line is, if I cannot maintain concentration for 30 minutes, how am I going to do it for 8 hours a day.  Even more scary, is the fear of what these people are doing to my brain.  Every time, I see my fat-mottled flesh, I know that I have to live for the rest of my life with the permanent damage that these monsters have done to my body.  What more kind of damage are they going to do to my brain?  As a teenager I had a genius IQ in the 140's or 50's--I cannot remember.  But I bet you I no longer have that IQ.  Are they going to forever debilate my previous ability to concentrate with fierce laser penetration?  They already have weakened my once superb vocabulary choice.  Am I even going to be able to read in 2-3 months.  Will I be mentally retarded for the rest of my life while they get their "Chemically Perfect" zombie?  All I can do is hope that God follows through on his promise and saves me.  Right now, the only way that I can imagine being saved is through the January MRI revealing the kind of brain damage that I know is taking place.  In the meantime I have to live with the knowledge that every breath I take is destroying my body and brain forever and there is nothing I can do about it.  I have never felt so bad.  To make matters worse, I am in constant pain from the muscle spasms.  The only thing I can do is take pain killers and sit in a chair and watch TV.  Jesus why do I have to undergo this neverending suffering and assault on my body and brain.  Haven't I suffered enough?

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