Here we go again

Here we go again--I fully expect another round of every psychotropics in the book thrown at me, as the PIB's use my recent diagnosis of and treatment for testoterone deficiency as an another excuse to begin the viral downloads (androgens) again. Right now, I think I am on some kind of sedative (dreamed someone was tryig to sell me marijuana) that I guess is supposed to help calm me from the horrible body-wracking experience of last night. Even as I write this I am in pain--the pain of a tender spine caused by back muscle spasm, which admittedly is status quo for me, after years of viral downloads. However, the pelvic groin muscle that is pulled or torn is NOT status quo. It is the exact same muscle area that spasms every time the viral downloads intensify. But I have never had it wrench out of the girdle and tear all the surrounding muscles and ligaments aroun it. I can barely walk. I can barely sit, because I cannot put any pressure on that muscle which, believe it or not, is necessary for initiating the squat to sit. All the things one learns about one' body when it isn't working right--no wonder I know more about the body than I ever wanted to know. So, let me repeat, I do know this and while I said it yesterday, but apparently the PIB's did not listen. I AM ALLERGIC TO ANDROGENS IN MY OWN BODY. THEY NEARLY KILLED ME AS A FETUS. I HAVE A MENTAL VISION OF A CURLED UP TINY FETUS, SPASMING AND SQUIRMING, TRYING TO EVADE THE ANDROGENS THAT WANT TO IMPACT HIS CENTRAL NERVOUS SYSTEM. THIS ALLERGY IS SO STRONG AND OVERWHELMING THAT I HAD TO ABORT MY OWN NATURAL, GOD-GIVEN IDENTITY AS A MALE, AND BECOME FEMALE IN ORDER TO LIVE. Now, after years of struggle and misunderstanding, for being a man in a woman's body is no easy thing, I find myself fighting for my life against the androgens again. They spasm and arch my body out--every muscle in my body goes into a painful lock, except at the joints, which instinctively try to pronate outward so that my shoulders wrench from their girdle, and my thighs wrench from their girdles (and by the way that groin pull left my entire right side jacked up from the lower back, glutes, all the way to my right knee), and I literally feel as though I am on some kind of rack that is pulling my limbs out of their torso positioning. THERE IS NO BIOCHEMICAL COMPOUND THAT IS GOING TO REVERSE MY ALLERGY TO MY ANDROGENS. Serotonin, dopamine, lithium, or some "nice, mellow" sedative that apparently I am on now, are not going to change my allergy to androgens. For God's sake, I changed my gender phenotype to be in conflict with my true genetic makeup and psyche. Do you think my survival instinct would do that if there was any kind of possible chemical adjustment that the body could make while it was in the womb? If you want to try to figure out how to address my androgen allergy, then I suggest you get the ET doctors to probe the mystery of the gene that causes AIS. There is one gene that causes it. I read it somewhere, but can't remember it. I probably have the gene though my AIS may originate from the industrial effluvia of Detroit--more likely the toxins worked on the susceptible gene.
As for me, I have to struggle to get through a day in which I find myself, once again, trying to save myself from the damage and abuse done to me. Very disheartening to realize that I am going to have to take very expensive testoterone supplements in order TO LIVE, for the rest of my life. The absolute only downside that I have encountered so far from this testoterone is the smell of my own body odor. Testoterone is strong-smelling, and my nose is extremely sensitive, and I find myself repelled by own smell. This pisses me off, because my body was doing fine, just fine, in maintaining its natural hormonal balance before the abduction experimnts disrupted my innate hormonal balance. If I had been allowed to seek endocrinology treatment, even after the abductions, I probably would have been perfectly fine with some mild testoterone supplementation. Now (and I am only followig my body wisdom), I need really heavy duty testoterone supplementation, and it looks as though that is going to be happening for the rest of my life. For today, I just got to limp through pain. So tired of this.