Friday, January 9, 2009


Depression--struggling with the physical pain caused by the psychotropics--muscle spasms in belly and back and arthritis in the neck and shoulders, and the knowledge that there is nothing I can do about it. Also I have been doing intensive research in alternative media (unfortunately, I believe it to be true), and everything seems so dark and hopeless. There seems to be no way out at any level, though I suspect that there are true leaders and warriors fighting from behind the scenes of the media-played power who are trying to prevent the triumph of evil. But I have to take that on faith, because it certainly is not happening on the surface of things. This matters, because I am a victim of high level, powerbrokered evil, and it sucks because unlike most professional power players who suffer from the same dilemma, I have never made a bargain with the devil for personal gain and ambition, and my choice and preference has always been for the simple, free, and even hidden, life.
But depression is always personal, and there is no doubt that all this godamned speed and the physical pain it causes is severely depressing. Last night I dreamed I woke up speaking in tongues after seeing a man (who I did not recognize). I think I speak in tongues when I feel threatened by evil. Had a hard time sleeping and when I awoke my face was all puffy and heavy and coarse with fluid and depression. No, not a good night at all, and probably won't be again tonight. Already I am suffering from severe muscle spasms. I have to fight to keep going.

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