Saturday, January 3, 2009

No New Year resolution for me

No New Year resolution for me--a long time ago I decided that as long as I am as out of control of my body as any slave that the only resolution for me is to survive another day. I am very upset because the Mirapex has been pulled. I knew it when I got the "pregnant belly" again. I think the Mirapex influences FSH and lutein which in turn influences my ability to digest and metabolize. I need the Mirapex to get my body back to normal there, but TPTB have decided against it--probably because it conflicts with the speed they force feed me. Instead I am being given some hateful drug at night (I don't think its Depakote, but it could be a low dosage) that causes me to wake up cranky and angry, and also totally ruins my ability to dream. Since I depend so heavily on my dreams to orient my waking life, that is a miserable, hateful hardship. But then my life has been miserable and hateful for so long that I just deal with it. But there is no question about it--there is no use for a lab rat to make a New Year's resolution--instead I just have to go back into maintenance mode--just trying to survive one day to the next, struggling to keep my weight from rising above the 202 pounds that I am now (I was at 196 pounds before they pulled the Mirapex) and I have gained six pounds in six days--but four of it is probably a fluid bloated belly. I have lost my appetite again, even though I am suffering with the crazy blood sugar and sick headaches again, but then that is my metaphor for my life--no appetite to live whatsoever. Just maintain, Tita, and hope that one day I will be a free human being again.

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