Saturday, January 31, 2009

Struggling to persevere despite intense pain

Struggling to persevere despite intense pain. Haven't been able to feel the muscles and nerves in my legs all day, but now the nerve pain in my thigh and pressure in the pelvic girdle is to the point that I cannot stand it--even laying down. Haven't been able to stand for most of the day tho I gritted my teeth and cleaned the living room. It took me about three times as long as I could do it normally, ie, not drugged up on psychotropic drugs that create a painful Parkinson's disease. And you wonder why I have resentment? When I am in forced, imposed pain that steals my life, my vitality, my ability to concetrate, read or think. I even gave up watching TV as too taxing. Yeh, I am resentful all right. Damned straight. I don't waste anger on these fuckers anymore. I just wish I could do something anything about the pain. SO depressing to realize how much muscle atrophy I have in my left leg. I force myself to work out, but I can't stop these deadened muscles from shriveling and disappearing. I tell myself there has to be some kind of natural way to restore my bodily health, but the best way I have found--through magnets--is easily circumvented. I had a magnetic belt that placed magnets all along my lower back. The magnets were weak but they worked somewhat. The belt has disappeared. I don't think that I will ever find it again. Got to think about what to do about surgery in marcho. I just can't bear any more of these goddamned implants in my body. But too sick on it to think. Right now anyway.

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