Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Horrible night of pain and nightmares

Horrible night of pain and nightmares told me clearly, that once again the goddamned Christians are drugging me with their psychotropic poison. Of course, if the dreams hadn't told me, the absolute deathly ill feeling upon awakening would have. Once again I can't walk. Legs are dead, dead dead. The brain is unable to concentrate or focus, and the eyes don't want to open. Just want to lay in bed. This wouldnt be so bad except for the past few days I was actually able to function, not normally, true, but at about 70% of being human. Since I am a normally high energy and accomplished person, I could function. Now thanks to the goddamned opus dei pricks I am functioning at about 40% of being human. I had gone and bought a printer because I wanted to start writing to make my point of view clear, but the poor Inquisition torturers, they can't allow that. It ruins their whole thesis--how "mentally ill" I am, and how I am not able to accomplish anything because I am not being "true" to my vocation. Poppycock bullshit! I can't accomplish anything because I am drugged up to the point of dysfunction all the time. Every damned day I get a break, I struggle to get a grasp on life.
I saw a Christian stalker yesterday when I went to get a pair of reading glasses. It was kind of depressing because the proprietor was a man, and like most men he had no fashion sense. Well unfortunately, neither do I, and I depend on females to help me out (and I got to say, most females are very good at that). So the man told me "Come back with somebody who can help you pick a pair out." I didn't know how to tell the guy that I have no one, that I am like a 14 year old minor with repressive, anal parents and am not allowed to date or be free with another. So then the stupid Christian piped in, "I will help you." Well, out of politeness, I ignored her, but now I am going to say what I want to say to all
catholic and fundamentalist Christians. I DON'T WANT YOUR HELP. NOT NOW. NOT TEN YEARS AGO. NOT TOMORROW. NOT EVER. Do you get it? What the fuck does it take to soak through? I am sick of your fucking goddamned abuse and I dont want to be a part of it anymore. If you are going to send moronic idiots who don't know any better to stalk me (all to prevent me from having a chance sexual meeting of minds and encounters--come on, admit it, you goddamned prudes), you go right ahead, but don't talk to me. Don't interfere with me. There is nothing you can do to ever get me hooked into your sick warped perverted world view again, and that includes force feeding me psychtropic drugs that make me feel like shit. Yesterday, or the day before I started thinking of my college friend Mamiche, and how she told me years ago of how abusive and destructive the Christians were. You know what--Mamiche was a true friend. I look back on my Christian acquaintances, and I realize that NOT ONE of them was a true friend, because deep down, we are fundamentally and spiritually different (namely, people who are my friends, like me, would never do to someone else what has been done to me--the abuse, the hate and violation of my free will to extremes that I did not believe possible in this United States. This isn't to say that I am anti-Christian. There are a few Christians I know that I like and support. I try to get up in the mornings to go to the MCC Church but I can't because I am too drugged up (again, I think that is deliberate). Play your games assholes. I know the kind of spirituality I reasonate with and to, and it is not yours. All you do is make me so sick I can't function. Congratulations.

Forgot to tell about nitemare. Dreamed that Lt Lefall (prick commander of county jail who had absolutely no business in that position) was telling me he was going to take me back to jail. Also dreamed mother and child were being beaten and they didnt know how distressed I was by it. I had to apologize. Well, I am in psychic jail with these gd drugs that make it impossible to function. Some psych of the order of Lefall is making my life hell. And I sure am beat down. Also my stomach is all messed up and once agian I have stretch marks on my legs. I dont even want to know how much weight I am gainiong while these fuckers play games with my health. Cant keep going God cant keep going.

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