All "het up" (Appalachianism)

18/2010--
Very worried as I sit here, late at night, trying to convince myself to go to bed. I talked with my mother earlier. I had been putting off phoning her for nearly a week, since when I received her check. I . just haven't felt in a good enough mood to call my mother, but this evening my energy returned and I called. It was a strange call. Warren answered and said that she was in the shower, and he took the phone to her. Mom said that she was in the shower, and I thought it strange that he handed her a cell phone in the shower. I offered to hang up and have her call me once she was dressed, but she said,"no, no, no." We talked very briefly about nonconsequential things--I found it difficult to talk to her, knowing what she has done to me. She asked about the persimmons, and I already had a preplanned answer for her. The persimmons had made me sick, as I thought they would, but being a trusting and hopeful soul, I tried to eat them. (Later I saw the black dot at the bottom navel of each one, and they were eaten with holes within a week). Once I realized that they had made me sick, I saw a huge spider. I have never been phobic about spiders, even though they get into my house, especially in fair weather, when the door is open. I do know though, that spiders represent the mother, and seeing that fat ugly spider, I killed it with my shoe sole. Most uncharacteristic--I once saved a tarantula the size of my open hand from my bathtub and freed it in the woods behind my house, while Colleen yelled hysterically, "kill it, kill it." Anyway Mom said that she was going to work tomorrow, and that is why she was showering at night. I felt uncomfortable talking to her while I knew her to be in the shower and said I would let her go so she could get out. She told me she loved me, and I think that she meant it--as much as she is capable of loving. I told her I loved her, and I really meant it. Despite all she has done to mutilate and try to destroy me, I do love her. Maybe if had been abusive to me when I was little, I would not love her, but even though she was not a good mother, I felt that even her limitations helped me. Because I was autistic, it was good that I was not smothered with an overemotional and affectionate mom (though I feel sorry for my siblings). Because she was so weak and dependent, I learned to be strong, and it is that strength which carries me through life. Anyway, the last thing I heard her say was a call out to Warren, like she needed to give him the phone or needed help getting out of the shower. Strange to think of my mom talking on the phone in the shower and strange to think she could not step out with the phone in her hand. I have been thinking on it, and there are two possibilities: 1) they are going to a satanic ritual tonight, and I am to be abused and sacrificed in another occultic rite tonight; 2) they are going to a satanic ritual tonight and she allow herself to be killed in sacrifice--ritual suicide. The latter possiblity is not as far out as it seems. I believe that Zecharia Sitchin offered himself as a willing sacrifice in a reptilian ritual while the Pleidians and the patriot leadership team hunted down and finally destroyed the huge Aryan mothership. He was over 90, but I think he offered himself as a suicide sacrifice in hopes of propitiating the karmic universe and saving the Aryan mothership. He failed. Why would mom commit ritual suicide? Because her fragile, childish ego is completely built on a fantasy that she is a good, attentive mother and grandmother, and if that fantasy has been destroyed, I don't think she has much to live for. There is nothing I can do for her. There is no corrosive anger on my side towards her, just bewildered hurt, but she has chosen to be possessed by Satan, and while I have always hoped (even before I knew that she was involved in satanism) that she would outlive Warren by a number of years, and get back to her original best self, I don't know if she has the heart for that anymore. I wonder if I should try to stay up all night so that they can't abuse me, but the truth is, that every single time I am ritually abducted, I learn valuable information. I have been emotionally wrought all day, at the resurgence of evil spirits in our country (I can feel it), and have been pondering how best to fight back. If my suffering helps shed light on the current crisis, I don't think I should necessarily try to escape it. I will think more on that before retiring. Of course the final option is that Warren is assisting in her suicide right now, at home, not in a ritual setting, and if so, I want the son of a bitch prosecuted to the max. Let him spend the rest of his life in prison eating crappy food, watching network tv, and living in close quarters with the "jungle bunnies" who he despises as subhuman, all of whom can beat his ass. At least there might be some measure of justice in the world.
Of course, the final option is that I am being overemotional. It has been a hard day, with insights coming fast and furious, and I am trying to sort things out, and figure out what to do next, and it has not been easy to deal with what i have been dealing with today. More on that later, but right now, I am so emotional, I need to write out my thoughts, sleep on them, and then later make the decision to post. Right now, I am just too goddamned upset.

PS--I jsut saw my face in the mirror and recognized the look of a psychotropic drug on it. That is why I am so emotionally depressed and unhinged. What drug? I don't know--the ones that were put on the vitamin D that I bought. I knew the vitamins were adulterated because they were hard and crunchy, instead of soft, crumbling, and powdery. I took three of them just to see what drug they were--don't know a name, but I know i wont be taking them anymore.

Inner voice says time to post. I have been crying for the last half hour. Some peace now--maybe I am crying for my "lost" mother, for even though she is alive, she is lost to me. There is a huge gulf between us. She still is my mother, and I still love her...