Fighting depression

Fighting depression as I try to figure out what psychotropic drug I am currently being force-fed. I identified myself as serious deficient in acetylcholine. Researching the drugs for that condition, the one I would (hypothetically, at first guess, with little research) give myself is some kind of anti-anxiety drug like librium (no wonder, I spent years begging doctors to prescribe Temazapam, as a sleeping aid, for me), but I think that the ACH deficiency was addressed another way. For I believe that the ACH deficiency is caused by the abnormal, viral high frequency stimulation of my brain. I may be having an atypical reaction to the virus, for certainly it took the sons of bitches long enough to figure it out, and even then, it was ME who figured it out. Anyway, for a few days, I felt more like my old self--my brain wasn't up to speed, but I could tell that it was trying to get there. I even started losing a little weight (though not from my bloated belly)--so maybe they were making hormonal adjustments. But my relief was short-lived, as once again, I am slammed with viral downloads that are excessively high (I can tell by how red my face gets). This leaves me very depressed, although after reading my posts from 9/2009, I have to admit that being physiologically depressed and low energy sure beats the agonizing pain and sick dysfunction that I spent years enduring. I'm not even sure that the depression isn't a spiritual depression. How can I ever be joyful, high-energy, and happy-go-lucky ever again, after bearing in my body the scars and constant pain from an encounter with evil so overwhelmingly powerful, organized and COSMIC, that it crushed me like a peanut? I'm trying to reach the higher frequency dimension in hopes that some being there can help me recuperate physically, but I am so frustrated with the energy drain and muscle spasms that happen every time I try that it is hard not to despair. (I have to say that I don't despair; I know that God will provide an avenue of grace, somehow, someway). I also wonder if my reading and writing skills will ever be up to my normal standards ever again. I read the last few posts, and was appalled to realize that they needed serious editing. I have never edited my writing from a draft; I've always edited while I wrote, but that gift may be another casuality of my traumatized brain.
I sent off a resume for a small, part-time job near my house. I long for some kind of normalcy in human life and interaction (what kind of life is it to spend one's days reading conspiracy sites, poring over reams of information regarding a topic that isn't even an acknowledged reality by the intellectual community, and constantly struggling to figure out what tenuous, incredible info is true and what is disinformation)? I just want a partner to talk to, to listen to,to lighten me up from this never ending intensity, at least sometimes. Maybe I am just lonely because of the holidays. It has been so long that I have been lonely that I am used to it, but I can't help but long for a time when it was different, and better, so much better. I sure hope ET's aren't like co-dependent Catholics--expecting all deeply spiritual people to be celibate. I am a deeply spiritual person, but I am not celibate. But even I know that circumstances has led that to be a secondary consideration; the primary challenge is extradimensional jump, but the depression and sense of guilt (why can't I do it, considering how much virus I've got in me?} just drags me down, even though I try to cooperate....

You know, I think a big part of the depression is the realization that my mind will never belong completely to me again. Years ago, I prayed to God about this, and I was left understanding that telepathy is inevitable in humanity's future, but I like the privacy of my own thoughts. Yes, I have been psychically invaded for years now, but it is one thing to rail against it, and another to accept and cooperate with it.