Tuesday, November 9, 2010

Risperdol

Risperdol--this is the drug that I am being forcefed right now, and it is kicking my ass. I am barely functional, though I try so hard. I am glad that I didn't spend any money to join a gym this month. It would be a complete waste. Risperdol actually separates me from reality--makes it easier to live in my imagination than in the real world. Also separates me from joy, from feeling, from engagement with the world. Makes it difficult to read or concentrate. I am doing half assed scans of my routine reading checklist--I'm too sick to do anything else. There is a lull right now. I should be chipping away at the bookmarked sites on my reading list, but that is impossible. Of course, when I am on risperdol, I suffer from muscle spasms, so I took a tramadol last nite to help with neverending pain. I suffered from a severe anxiety attack. That is the other thing risperdol does--it makes me severely anxious and insomniac at nite. I first realized this when I was in the hospital. At leastthere, they gave me temazapam to help me sleep. It also messes up my perception of images, so that I can not look at flashing images or at people expressing emotion (I see threats and leers in all faces). None of this is new. I have spent months of my life dealing with the mind destruction caused by risperdol and all these other psychotropics which are never ending, while the PIBs try to get me to disengage from the real world and believe their fantasy new age lies. Physiclaly, it also is very hard on my body. My blood pressure was 150 over 90--yep, risperdol. I never had high blood pressure before I was hospitalized and force fed risperdol. Twice a day, I had my bp taken, and couldn't believe what was happening to my body. It also causes excess mucous, so now I am congested in my lungs--mucous in my mouth, my lungs, my nasal and throat passages.
I suspect that the high blood pressure is caused by the intensified autism with the accompanying anxiety. I am severely autistic right now, and can not bear any stimuli. Makes me very anxious to engage world, even at fundamental level. Have to try. weather turning bad. I need to get out winter clothes from basement. try to clean house a little bit, but i feel so bad...little leater, tried to sleep, but now my unconscious is imaging in carttonish characters. going to be a really fucked up day

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