I do believe that my posts are being read, so I will continue to post as long as I can. I continue to work on Ascension, but the process is laborious. There is a lot of pain in my heart and around my heart, all from relations with women, originating with the terrible betrayal by Linda at Atlantis. The head or mind can understand all it wants to--it is the heart, though, which is preventing Ascension. I think I fear opening up to love again. Last night I think that I may have been cleared of an inner vow never to love a woman again, which certainly would explain all my gay man and celibate vocations, but still I have not yet been fully able to clear this pain, and so I keep flipping in my unconsciousness.
From what I can gather, in my unconsciousness, I still insist that I am a woman. Needless to say, I wake up alienated and depressed, and it takes me a while to clear THAT out. I AM NOT A WOMAN. I NEVER HAVE BEEN A WOMAN. I DO NOT WANT TO BE A WOMAN. THERE IS NO CREATIVITY OR PRODUCTIVITY ASSOCIATED WITH ME AS A FEMININE PERSONALITY, AND NEVER HAS BEEN. However, I can claim all I want that I am a man, and have only one identity with which I will be happy and productive in the interdimensional realm--that of a Black man, the physical reincarnation of my Watcher self, "The Shadow of God", not because I am evil, but because I am Black. It will not matter to these Sirians, who for some reason, will not accept not only my personal preference, but the cosmic necessity for me to return to my interdimensional status as a Black man. I have tried to make it as clear as I can, but no matter what, it is not good enough.
Part of the problem is that I am on so much female hormones that the brain is easy to flip, but I know myself. The only thing that keeps me going and moving is the imminent possibility of an open relationship with Linda. Without her in my life, without the hope of finally getting rid of this body that I now despise, my depression and alienation will be overwhelming. Already, I am starting to hate the pictures of females on the Internet. I see female athletes that before would have inspired and sexually aroused me, and now they just fill me with loathing, thinking that is my future.
Really, really depressed.