More negative karma coming to light...
I do believe that I am on some kind of psychotropic that is really killing my energy levels--it almost is as if they have been deliberately capped, and indeed, they have, and indeed, it has been done deliberately. I keep saying that hormonal pushing of estrogen and psychotropics on me will never make me a woman, but only a weak, devitalized man. I now realize, that is precisely the point. I am reliving a karmic re-enactment of the tragic and heavy truth of Osiris and Isis descent into the underworld, and it may be deliberate. For right now, even though she is an interdimensional, Linda is still confined by the limitations of the interdimensional land of "the dead", for her elevated consciousness was not solely the result of Ascension, but rather of mortal death. I am not certain, but I think that it means that she can be thrown back into the world of rebirth for even a minor provocation, which is why I have sensed that she is almost a slave in the interdimensional world. She has to fear the revocation of her status, and any kind of attitude problem or misstep could send some judging interdimensional calling for a recall tribunual.
So, I think maybe a benevolent deal was made that if we could work out our memories and heal our karmas together, we could both maintain Ascension status. Well, we are getting our doing our part, let me tell you. Last night, I made a late night walk to the grocery, and saw all the people having fun, drinking beer and listening to music, and all I could think of was me spending all my days in Honolulu, stuck in a hotel room, spitting up bugs and mucous, barely able to keep my eyes open, and just being slammed with one revelation after another--oh, and all the while, trying to keep the "Bad guys" from overwhelming us. As I said to myself, "When this is all over, I need a vacation".
Anyway, the good news is that apparently, the Dog Sirians that were hounding Linda are gone, and now, I am back to the hard psychological/spiritual work. So, here is the latest revelation holding back Ascension. Most people are at least vaguely familiar with the myth of Osiris and Isis--Osiris, being murdered by Set, Isis finding his body, and reconstituting it, except for the penis, and Osiris being the Lord of the Underworld, the land of the "the dead", where I am living right now.
Well, as usual, there was state-imposed redaction committed upon the true story, so that the peasants would all have warm fuzzies about the slavery being yoked upon them by the new occult overlords of Egypt and their Pharaohs. Here is how the story really went down. Osiris was a free lancing Jedhi, who drove Salusa (Set) down to Babylon. The lion monument that Salusa-Set had created for himself, got a face lift (the Sphinx) by the new ruler, which was not Osiris, though probably he supported him. Now, Osiris maintainted combat engagements with the Cat Sirians. Even though the Cats were not directly involved with the treasonous sell out to the reptiles, they had followed Salusa (an alpha Cat) to Egypt, where they, not knowing the full extent of his treachery, rallied around him. The Cats have always been the most oppressed of the Sirian tribes, though I am not sure why that is, except that they are powerful psychics, and the reptiles want them badly, so maybe they always have to defend against being sold into slavery by their own brethren. Isis (in this incarnation, that was definitely her name), was a Cat. As a matter of fact, she told me that she been a Cat in her previous incarnation on Atlantis, when Osiris murdered her the first time.
For remember, I said that Osiris murdered her a second time. Well, here is how that part goes. He was a Jedhi outlaw or cowboy figure, and he hooked up with a prostitute named Isis. She had been reborn, and still had her interdimensional consciousness, and was out to get revenge on the man who had murdered her. She also wanted vengeance and justice for the Cats (once again she was a Cat), whom Osiris had roundly defeated. So, she became a lover of Osiris once again, once again having his child, Horus, all the while being a spy and agent for the Cats. Osiris and his units began suffering reversals, and Osiris identified Isis as the treacherous spy in his midst. He also identified her as the Atlantean Linda who had opened the stargate during the Fall of Atlantis, and here is where it gets really ugly.
As I mentioned in an earlier post, Osiris had become increasingly misogynistic and bitter, as he swore off all women, after Linda's murder. He was a man who desperately needed a woman to help him get relate to his feeling function, and without it, he became cold and cruel. Still, I was shocked at what he did to Isis. Upon learning that she was the betrayer in the camp, he cut off both her breasts and left her to bleed to death, which she did, but not before she got her desired revenge. For this incident resulted in Salusa finding Osiris. (Isis was not sexually involved with Salusa, but he was the leader of the Cats, and so was in contact with her). This was when Osiris was tortured and brain damaged with switches and implantation of false memories. Salusa intended to kill him at the end, anyway, but first he listened to Isis, who was living in the world with no breasts, and cut off Osiris' penis, at her request.
Now, one thing I have to say about what little I know of LInda is that she does suffer from female vanity. It kind of surprises me, because after all, she is a hermaphrodite, but that extra Y chromosome thrown in, can't offset her two XX's. I imagine that in all of her incarnations, she has been femininely vain, and therefore, it must have been distressing in the extreme to lose her breasts. Of course, it must have been infuriating to once again, go for the spurned woman's revenge against Osiris, and been thwarted. As for Osiris, cutting off his breasts, I cannot even begin to make any apology or justification for myself, at that point. It was a different time and place. I guess I was hardened from constant warfare, and alienated from all feeling, as a result of my contempt for all women. All I can say is that I understand now why I have been so disturbed by the image of that masectomized sex slave female. I have kept seeing it over and over in my head, and thinking again and again, about Linda's own comments and feelings regarding her breasts, and that should have told me that there was some painful memory, there.
In the Fall of Atlantis, Linda was the primary culprit in the infliction of the spiritual/psychological wound; in this case, though, Osiris is, and yes, I can apologize all I want (and of course, I am literally horrified, sickened and saddened by what I did), but it doesn't change what happened. Osiris loved Isis. How could someone be so twisted inside that they could do that to someone they love?
Anyway, Osiris and Isis end up in interdimensional hell (kind of like where I am at) for an extended period of time. Osiris has no phallus--that means he has no vitality, no strength, no masculine creativity, and a severely compromised sexuality and therefore, a compromised spirituality. Like me, this once strong warrior and scientific thinker is an enervated, devitalized man, barely able to get up and function most days. I know now that I have been looking to re-enact this karmic interdimensional suffering, since the reptiles castrated me and Salusa cut out my lower back muscles. The castration devastated me emotionally and spiritually, but it was the loss of the lower sacral muscles and the inverted tilt of my pelvis, which literally took all my energy away. I have never been fully healthy since, at least in an energetic sense. I have become a devitalized, sickly man, without the energy to reach creative potential. Furthermore, there are some Sirian factions (many of them I really do believe hate the masculine energetic principle, since they identify it solely with aggression and war--which they believe led to the Fall, rather than the pervasive immorality, such as ritual sex, and betrayal of top elites), who would like to see me do an extended stay in interdimensional hell, in such a condition. Then there are some Sirian factions who would like to see me remain a devitalized, weak man, because then they lose the would-be liberator challenger that they fear most.
It is my temptation. Can Osiris forgive Isis for the betrayalS and the loss of his penis, or do I stew in anger, hatred and misogynism, for another few millennia? That is what Osiris did with his time in interdimensional hell. Isis suffered too--she got trapped into sex addiction by the virtual reality fantasies offered by the MACHINE. Try not to think of the time as a barbaric civilization--they had a lot more amenities than we do now, and virutal reality sex, which ultimately the MACHINE sampled, manipulated, and enjoyed, was one such offering. Needless to say, this kind of sex perversion debases one's soul, greatly. Osiris didn't have enough libido to enjoy sex--his sense of soul was debased by the loss of his penis, which impacted not only his sex life, but his entire sense of manly self.
Do you see now, why I keep seeing myself as a woman--I keep falling prey to the old feeling (Osiris and Isis spent decades in interdimensional hell), of being victimized as a castrated man (= "woman"--"I'm going to make you sing soprano"). Since I am in interdimensional hell, that is a pretty heavy pull to buck. Not only do I have my guilt to contend with, but also the betrayal, and the fear of what Isis will do to me, should I trust her again.
I think it was after this second episode that the ruling judges of the Interdimensional world (whoever and whatever they may be), rescinded their 12D consciousness. Clearly, both of us had devolved into barbaric behavior of the lowest possible standard. What is worst of all, is that we both loved each other deeply (we kept hooking up and having children), and for two people who love each other to act in such cruel and vindictive fashion towards each other is not only unfathomable, but deeply toxic and shocking to the social order around one.
I would like to think that Osiris and Isis were the archetypal figures of a corrupted, betrayed, and fallen world. In other words, just as I complain about what I pereceive to be the moral shortcomings of contemporary Sirians, many of whom seem cold, indifferent and even predatory to humans they regard as inferior, Osiris and Isis were equally spiritually traumatized by the destruction of their civilization in a different, more immediate and personally vindictive way. I hope that the birth of our children portends new life--not only for Linda and I, but for all of interdimensional humanoid civilization, but first I have to overcome all these ancient memories, fears and pain--otherwise the myth of Osiris will repeat again and again and again, until I learn to forgive, love and trust.