This morning

This morning for a brief hour or too I felt like a human being again, but then the drugs started back uip--the nausea, the headaches, the wishing I was dead.  I am so sick of this fucking suffering at the hands of these sob's who I canat stand.  go to hell all of you. 

203 pounds and sick as a dog

203 pounds and sick as a dog as I struggle to maintain in the midst of the most godawful suffering.  I am definitely on lithium.  I recognize the unstoppable weight gain, the muscle weakness, the lack of contact reality, and all the cerebral spinal fluid that has my head floating and my right eye not seeing correctly.    And then there is the relentless nausea.  Even the most mild of exertions causes nausea.  I don't know how much longer I can keep doing yoga.  Even touching my toes takes monumental effort, like I just ran 5 miles and want to puke.   The bottom line is that my body cannot survive with this level of toxicity in my system.  Something has gotta give.  Maybe it was a mistake to commit to work tomorrow.  At this point I don't think I can qualify for a new project--just not in reality enough.  Going to bed.  I don't know what is harder--moving my arms to type or trying to hold up this floating, fluid bloated head on my body.  Bed. God help me.

202 pounds today, and I need to see a doctor

202 pounds today, and I need to see a doctor, as once more I am suffering from edema--but this time it is even worse.  My ankles look like the elephant man's.  I am afraid of suffering kidney damage from not being able to flush out toxins.  And toxins I have of plenty (actually I think its lithium--I'm craving salt--pure poison to my body).  I am nauseated, headachey, low energy, and increasingly not in reality.  The inflammation which is shot all through my body is getting to the point that it even hurts to drive with my left hand (the wrist) or to chew with my jaws.  Forget about walkingMy neck and back are so stiff, that once more (oh yeah I remember this from the first time the GODDAMNED (and I mean it) fucking pricks poisoned my body with this shit. 

I gotta hang on for two days, then I can try to see a doctor and recuperate.  Bed--need bed badly.

Miserable and bloated at 200 pounds

Miserable and bloated at 200 pounds as I struggle with the headaches, nausea, low energy, and low tolerance to stimuli from these gd psychotropic drugs that make me sick, sick sick.  I don't even know what I m taking now, but I know Im suffering

Drug dazed and pain crazed

Drug dazed and pain crazed as the psychotropics continue to fuck up my body and brain.  Once again, keeping my eyes shut because I can't stand the stimuli.  The drugs (Risperdal or a sister I think) are causing severe muscle spasms and back pain.  Does any of this sound familiar?  Story of my life.  I don't know how I can live like this.  Such suffering is too much.  I am so tired of suffering.

200 pounds

200 pounds--a gain of three pounds in a week.  I know now that I am on lithium again, for it is lithium that causes out of control weight gain, as I conscientiously skimp on food, but nevertheless watch my body spread and spread like a monster.  I cannot even stand to look myself in the mirror.  It is like I am a prisoner of chemically poisoned flesh, and it seems like another lifetime when I was happy and joyful, and fully aware of,  responsive to, and engaged with reality.   The chemicals (and maybe even the implants) have severed my ability to connect with my "silver cord" and my spirituality suffers (but they can't destroy my faith--that resides in my free will, beyond their reach, though they can attempt to derange my free will through massive suffering and torture--and yes, fella's, you have been damned thorough, but you will not succeed. 

I imagine that lithium is involved in the mood swings, the panicked feeling of needing to escape my skin, and most of all the low energy that makes everything so hard, and leaves me feeling that I just want to sleep.  My house is a mess, and I hate to leave for a few days when I know it is going to be on parade for who knows who, but the truth is, I am too damned low energy to clean. I am too low energy to care.  Oh God, I am so sick of this doped up, drugged lack of reality. 

Bloating and weight gain continues

Bloating and weight gain continues, and I am truly miserable as I struggle unsuccessfully to control my expanding waist and backside.  I have gained weight since last week, and now the clothes I bought once I hit 195 pounds are getting to be uncomfortably tight on me.  I think my weight problems are a combination of lack of thyroid (even now, my stomach doesn't want to accept water, but wants to bloat and reflux it out--a sure sign that I need thyroid meds), and the fact that I am force fed some kind of psychotropic drug (maybe just a really subtle but powerful speed, which on me has the reverse effect and slows my already sluggish metabolism down to nothing).  I can barely keep my eyes open and struggle through the day, but I know the motive of Opus Dei and the Catholic Church--to alienate me from my body so I will conform to their heretical notions of Christianity.  Won't happen.  Been there.  Done that.  My poor body is being totally trashed and destroyed by the drugs, but I won't play into that psuedo-spiritual split between body and spirit anymore.  Of course, I am too drugged to fit into my body or life anyway, but I know what who I am and what I aim for, and TPTB will not be successful (but it is undeniable that they have done permanent damage against my body and brain, and continue to do so).

My dream last night says it all.  I dreamed that I was offered to go on a cruise, and there was a swimming pool full of people, and I wanted to go swim, but Bishop T was there, saying "No, you can't go swimming with those people."  I don't know where Bishop T got his authority to impose his will on me, but I know what he stands for--the Catholic hierarchy and priesthood that continues to dominate and enslave my life against my will.  I never had much respect for Bishop T.  He was always an ass kisser instead of a moral authority and spiritual leader--the kind of priest and bishop that flourished beginning under JP2, and continuing under Ratzinger.  Even as a young woman, I knew his weaknesses, but as a brainwashed, young Catholic, I kept my opinions to myself, respecting the office, if not the man.  However, as a 30-something, I quit caring about him.  Why?  Because his kind of lame leadership resulted in about a dozen young Guatemalan boys being sexually abused (this hasn't been made public yet--I know it from my own time at Sacred Heart--one of these days though, one of those Guatemalan boys is going to grow up and find a good counselor and attorney, in that order).   Bishop T was in a diocesan administrative in Santa Fe, when the pedophile scandal of the 80's hit the diocese hard.  Santa Fe archdiocese took measures to make sure it didn't happen again.  Did it make any impact on T.  No.  Once given episcopal authority, he put a man, F King into a parish position, knowing his proclivities.  (I found out this by intuitive mind reading of the nuns who knew what was going on, and were furious about it, but as women, were completely powerless in Church affairs and authority, and could do nothing about it). 

So T is the symbol of the lame, ineffective hierarchy that, in the person of Pope Benedict will publicly apologize about the actions of the Church re: the hierarchy and the abuse, but privately will insist upon the violation against my person (oh yeah, I know Ratzi's involved in inflicting  my suffering personally--I've known it for years--it started when he was a Cardinal, and he may have been the top dog to initiate the abuse, years ago.  So Benedict, like T, never learns.  They finally apologize for all the horrible, hideous suffering they caused during the Inquisition, but under cover, they promulgate a new Inquisition, one based on false incarceration, psychiatric hospitalization, the force feeding of psychotropic drugs (the former Nazi soldier got that one from Stalin), the interference into my free will and choices.  The suffering I have endured from the abuse of  the past 10 years has been staggering beyond belief.  It is nothing but a chemical and psyhological torture akin to the fires and wheels of the earlier Inquisition.

And why?  Because I don't want to "swim"  (look it up in the dream dictionary) with you sorry bastards.  Well for me, swimming in the pool with others IS my vocation, and you can stop me today, but you can't stop me forever.  Guaranteed.  And this is one woman who won't buy your lies, your phony bs and pretentiousness any longer.  Shove it, T.