So tired of being drugged

So tired of being drugged--nothing overwhelming going on--just steady drip and drain as the implants suck all life and energy and vitality out of me(and yes I think it is done on purpose). I am trying to drag myself through chores, cleaning house etc, but my body is literally all spasmed up with the drugs.

second nite of sheer hell

coming up. aftger a hell day, another hell nite. haze of pain from neuropathic pressure in legs, and unbearable nerve pain to pain in head. this pain is unendurable. how many tylenop pm does it take to knock me out, dont know but this pain is intolerable. cant bear stimuli of any sort cant walk . alll so the goddamned forces of evil can create what they think will be3 a channel for their stupid ass demonic aliens. nothing i can do but suffer, pray that suffering will help those fighting on other levels. nothing i can but endure the most hellacious pain imaginable.

Hell nite over, now comes hell day

Hell nite over, now comes hell day--nites and days like this make me realize i cant hold a job. still cannot believe magnitde of pain lastt nite. this morning my body is still dead. left leg feels like a totally dead leg with deep muscle bruises. cant lift it to walk. head and eyes still not able to move or function. Dreamed last nite that I was fighting a monster attacking me, and i kept hacking and killing it but more kept coming. Does this nite mare only end with death? i am so tired of being nonfunctional...

Torture begins again

Torture begins again--suffering so bad its unimagier winable. dont know when the fuckers will kick me off , they control my computer thru virus. just like they control my body thru virus. when ever they want they creat unbearable pain n suffering. right now. neurpathic leg, ketoacikdosis, inability to stand stimuli, desperatgely longing for pain medication to knock me out. Fucj you assholes. you may control my body buti never will channel for you. on a scale of 10 this is 9, knock me out God please be merciful knock me out

Fighting a deep feeling of depression

Fighting a deep feeling of depression as I woke up actually being able to get out of bed but still fucked up on drugs. I am so tired of feeling like shit all of the time. I am tired of having steel rods in my legs, of having a 50 pound head on my shoulders, of not being able to see out of my right eye because the optic nerve is so inflamed by excess fluid. I want to be me again. I want to be free. Free of these goddamned implants and drugs that have me constantly struggling to jjjust feel decent enough to walk and talk. I am tired of having to "shake" just to clear my head of a fucking brain tumor feeling. The worst part of it all is constantly being monitored and spied upon, while I am denied any employment and my poor old mother has to take care of me. I woke up this morning with the "virginia wolF" feeling. That is what I do to force myself to keep going when I am so depressed that I want to end it all. Virginia committed suicide when she heard voices for a second time (she had been committed to a mental institution the first time she heard them), and despaired that she would go crazyy. But I read an analysis that made sense, which said that when she committed suicide Hitler was triumphant across Europe (her husband was Jewish), London was being bombed daily, and it seemed a matter of time before England fell. England was also suffering from the grip of the coldest winter on record. So if Virginia had just persevered a little longer, I think she would have been okay. Yes, she was mentally ill, but she had a wonderfully supportive and caretaking husband who would have got her through the episodes--all she had to do was survive the cold winter and wait for America to enter the war. So when I feel that life is so dark and meaningless, I say to myself, "don't do a Virginia Wolf"--wait for spring to come. It certainly isn't spring today. My computer is toast with a virus, and I cannot fix it, because I am unable to reload my own OS because the goddamned fuckers have put an extra partition on the disk and a spy network that denies me administrative rights. I am using my laptop, but it barely functions because it also had an internal wifi card added by the spy police, but its architecture does not support that technology so it constantly is shutting down whenever its memory gets overwhelmed (mostly during audio or video streaming--has to stream not only to me but to whatever agent is in charge of spying on me). And yes, I am spied on constantly which is another depressing element of my life which I constantly hate but when I am really down, can't tolerate. I am denied any companionship to help me lead my life while a bunch of Christians try to force me to lead my life the way they think it ought to be, I am denied the ability to work to support my own self. And on top of that, even my little pleasures, of listening to music and surfing the web is denied me because my computer is toast. I am broke, but I am goinjhg to have to pay to fix it. LIFE JUST SUCKS, but don't pull a Virginia Wolf. I cant see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have to believe spring is coming, I have to believe that leadership is going to change, I have to believe that one day these creeps will quit trying to read and manipuloate my mind (;guess what assholes, I know when you try to do it--and I PURPOSELY speed up my thoughts so you can't break in. You can feed me lithium to make it slow down, but then you turn me into a mental vegetable, so you can't get what you want you fucking slavers). And yes, I believe that one day leadership is going to be a woman or man who supports a free America, not a bunch of mind and pharmaceutically controlled slaves. Like I said, not today.

Lost day

Lost day--sick with psychotropics. spent all day in bed. too sick to think on anything, just suffering. dreamed that my credit card had been closed. interpreted it as my vital energy shut down, slammed shut. for that is what is happening, too sick to do anything at all. i cant even listen to music or nature sounds (which soothes me when i feel so shitty i wish i were dead). windows software is toast, fried by virus, and im too sick to do anything about it, not to mention worried as to how i can keep living when i am going deeper into debt everyh month. my life is so hard, want to sleep and just not wake up to feel like the shit i feel like

FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS

FUCKING GODDAMNED PIGS ARE FORCE FEEDING ME LITHIUM AGAIN!! STUPIDASS MOTHERFUCKERS. I wondered why I had no energy, and felt more like shit than normal. Most of all I wondered why I was gaining weight again--yes, pound a day lithium is to thank for it all, tho i thought my stomach was merely bloated. But now i find myself looking at spreading corpulent flesh with powerlessness and rage, much as i have done several times over last few years. Geuss the goddamned sli just cant let go. they actually still think iam going to have anyhing to do with them after the years over 12 of them, of abuse, damage, and torture that they hgave inflicted on me. and now i am all fucked up over lithium. i knew when i started mood swinging. other psychotropic durgus make me mood swing but none like lithium. i have to fight down desire to throw things to curse at top of my lungs, to cut myself to bang my head againt wall. but i am too fucked up to do anything. i went to youga, what a joke. i couldnt even keep my eyes opened. sont know how i drove home--so fucking autistic i cant stand any stimuli. been here before tho. know nothing for it but to lay down and suffer. just sofucking mad because everytime these fucking pigs put this goddamned poison in my body, i have to work so hard to lose one pound a month that it takes me one day to gain. so fucked up. on top of that i have a virus in my computer and im too fucked up to figure it out. how apropos--goddamned sli (yep i know the stupid ass personality cult of dave and tessa and "Father" is behind it all. Fcuk you pigs. Get the message. Leave me alone.

Later--everything harder than I thought--too sick to watch any tv. body is catatonic to the point that my neck hurts with stiffness. Worse of all are the involuntary muscle spasms i keep having as i try to sleep--havent had them in a long time, but i remember clearly the misery of the brain pulses and the body jerks. Definitely lithium/