Crazy

Crazy--being yanked from one psychotropic drug to another.  Tired of even writing about it.  Anoterh day when im nonfuctional.  Hurts to type, because my back muscles are so spasmed that it hurts to lift a finger.  Hurts to breathe.  Havent done yoga in a week and I think im too sick to go today.  I walk around as if i am in a high fever, unalbe to think or convrse clearly.  just want to sleep but have to pay some bills and rent today.

Autistic today, while realizing

Autistic today, while realizing how deep my chemical depression is.  I am writing this to notepad because the spy network I am on is denying me the ability to post to my blog.  Normally when this happens (and it happens more often than you would think—considering the resources available to my persecutors), I just shrug and say, “manana.”  But by tomorrow, I may be completely nonfunctional, so I had better write tonite. 

First off, I dreamed of two men in suits last nite—I realized that this dream was confirmation of PTB attempting to manipulate my dreamscape.  It’s okay.  Used to it by now. 

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I had woke up feeling a little better off physically, a fact I attributed to thyroid meds.  However, I struggled for mental clarity, and it has just gotten progressively worse.  I could actually read a little bit this morning, tho my comprehension was way off;now I wouldn’t even try. 

Severely autistic—to the point that I had to turn off the tv—couldn’t bear to watch the ball being thrown in the air and receivers running—gave me motion sickness.  I went for a bike ride and tho my legs were dead, I could bike.  Imagine my surprise as I came down with weird motion sickness riding my bike down my neighborhood alleyways.  Now I am crossing over from that sensation of moving images causing motion sickness to stimul overload (actually it has been going on all day—at one point I could see every whisker on  a quarterback’s face, and while biking I could see the brand logo of every car parked on a street).  Maybe it is the overstimulation by detail that causes the non function psychic shutdown.  Right now I cant keep my eyes open—just don’t want to see anything more. 

 

Then there is the depression.  As I talked to my mother today I realized how depressed I was.  I talked to her about <?xml:namespace prefix = st1 ns = "urn:schemas-microsoft-com:office:smarttags" />Disneyland.  Ive been to the amusement park twice and each time loved it.  I loved seeing the enjoyment of the kids and I loved the entertainment and rides, esp the Space Mt. roller coaster which I remember spending two hours just riding over and over again (after 10 pm at nite there were no lines and I would get off the ride and run back to line for another trip).  As I realized how I groused to my mom, I thought “well the sobs have turned me into a joyless drone just like them.”  There is no more joy and excitement in my life.  From the moment I get up to the moment I go to bed, everything is a hardship and a chore.  I force myself to work out but there is no joy that accompanies it.  I saw apurple and orange sky tonite and my mind said, this is a beautiful sunset, but I felt no familiar joy at experiencing the sunset.  Somewhere in my memory I just remembered that this is classified as “beautiful,” and memory tells me that beauty is very important even if I have no existential relation or response to it whatsoever.  I am in a chemical prison and my life is hell, and I may never be fully human again.  Goddamned rite its depressing.

What a laugh

What a laugh to think I am reclaiming anything.  Instead I am trying to endure torture of the first degree--psychotropic drugs that mess me up so bad I can do nothing.  It is like having a severe hangover, nauseated, pounding headache, and unable to bear any stimuli.  For those who have had severe hangovers, you know what I mean by "can't see straight."  Even now my eyesight is so messed up I cant read.  Then there are the back spasms.  Once again every muscle in my back feels wrenched out of place.  But worse now are the abdominal muscle spasms I am experiencing.  My ab muscles are now as locked as my back, legs, shoulders and neck (been getting progressively worse).  It feels like I am wearing a heavy layer of chain mail inside my belly and its hard to get up and sometimes to even breathe--it goes up to my diaphragm. My whole belly is now taut tense and tender to touch.  But the worst is when the muscles spasm, putting pressure on internal organs.  I wish to God for death.  I would have gone to the hospital this morning but I was too damned sick to drive and too damned sick to walk half a block to catch the bus.  Nobody has any idea of how much suffering I am experiencing--all I can do is cover up while I am kicked viciously and mercilessly.

In constant pain from back spasms

In constant pain from back spasms--it's so bad that it is hard to breathe.  I can barely walk, and now my lower calf muscles are beginning to stiffen in perpetual lock as my quad muscles have done for some time.  This makes me very worried because my knee, and now my ankle joints are constantly going out on me, without warning.  I am not walking right but I can't feel it, because my legs are so numb and dead.  So I fear that a joint is going to tweak way out while I am trying to walk as a semi-paralyzed woman, and break or snap some joint that will require major surgery.  I tried to walk two blocks yesterday and it felt like 5 miles.  I need to get a walker and a handicap sticker.  I am so tired of feeling that I am in the body of a 70 year old woman, but I am trying to push myself because I recognize that the forces doing this, and opposed to my well-being are too powerful not only for my little self, but for the entire world.  I have to make some changes.  My life is basically hell, but I see no way of ever escaping it.   All I can do is offer my record and let others know of the hell that is our likely future.  I have to try to find a way of inspiration for others even if I have no inspiriation myself.

One day reprieve over

One day reprieve over.  Very sick.  Unable to walk.  Too sick to function.

Miserable

Miserable  with locked muscles and weird muscle spasms.  In addition I have tender spots on my cranium.  Judging from the symmetry, I suspect that the recent drug overdose caused way too much csf in the brain and consequently tenderness where the implants are.  I suffer from continual bad headaches, aching, tender gums and tooth sensitivity !!! and this weird  feeling of a lump in my esophagus, as well as digestive bloating.  I know that I need serious medical attention but I know that I will never get it as long as these fundamentalist Christians keep playing their stupid torture games with me.  At least I could function today.  I am grateful for that--just sick of being sick ALL the goddamned time.

Not well enough

Not well enough to act on my resolve.  Not well enough to do anything.  Cant even watch TV.  Slept till noon, and that is the only time I am free of psychotropic hell--is when I sleep.  Otherwise I suffer with the headaches, the locked muscles (and now ive got weird spasms going on in my arm as well as the discomfort that comes with my abdominal muscles completely locked).  Im too sick to care.  I just try to drag myself around as little as possible and pray for the day that I am a free human being again.  But part of me laughs.  I laugh because these stupid fuckers are so far off.  They have no idea of how far they have driven me not only from their sick church but also how little they know or understand me.  I do think they understand they have lost me.  That is why the abuse is unrelenting.  and that is why they aimed a bullet into my head  what I am experiencing is nothing more than the torturing abuse of religious zealots living out the Inquisition all over again, but with 21st century techniques, and like Torquemada before them, they are pathetic sorry losers who long to know God, and control God, and have no idea of either the freedom of the human soul or the freedom of God.  But I give them their props--they know how to destroy flesh.  Congrats assholes.  I suffer.  I suffer every second I live.   But my suffering is all you stupid miserable fuckers get from me.  But you will NEVER get my free will to support you.  Get one thing clear assholes--we do not worship the same God.  You have warped the gospel and are an abomination on the face of the earth, and I am proud to defy you.  No matter the suffering.