RELIEF

RELIEF--testosterone to the rescue again. After feeing severely depressed and so sluggish nearly all day that I could barely move, the magic mood elevation happened again! I was so depressed that all I could foresee was death, and my stomach was in a knot. Two T-caps later, I was almost my normal self again. I even had a bowel movement (at 8 pm at night), which had been denied me all day. Between that and smoking a cigarette, I could literally feel my blood start moving again. Best of all was the lifting of the HEAVY, HEAVY depression. Nor am I so depressed about my body, feeling like a slug. I honestly think the hormonal problem that has been plaguing me for years, and causing the weight gain is the lack of testosterone. I think my young adult body had reached a natural homeostasis of my sexual hormones that suited my intersexed body. But then, I was abducted in California and implanted with the virus (I know because that is when I started having the lactic acid syndrome and stiffness in my ribs which is a symptom of the viral download in me), and this caused a metabolic acceleration which put abnormal demands on my hormones. But because my masculine hormonal system was immature, it could not keep up with the demand, and I started to suffer from low testosterone, and my body innately struggled to balance itself out, pushing up elevated levels of adrenals, and causing my natural hyperactive self to become even more so.

I think the Aryan PIB's have completely removed my masculine hormonal system, and now I am REALLY fucked, for my T-levels are so low, that my ability to function is impaired. I literally become depressed to the point of suicidal, and I am sure that is how I feel (not like a fleeting mood), and boom, I take 2 T-capsules, and the oppression and heaviness lifts. I don't even think that the current dosage I am taking is enough (especially if they pulled my thyroid meds, which they may have). It is so hard for me to accurately gauge what is going on, but today, I easily needed to double that dose in order to be MINIMALLY FUNCTIONAL. I never forget the feeling of well being that I had when I first took the testosterone supplements on top of my natural double hormonal system. For the first time in years, I felt happy, excited, extroverted, focused and productive. I figured out a long time ago that testosterone actually helped my ADD, but more importantly, when I first took those T-caps, I felt healthy enough to do what I really want to do--set agendas and follow through on them, function in a normal disciplined manner, reading books, researching and writing. I remember talking on the phone to Dale and Pam (no doubt because the PIB's, in their utter stupidity, thought I was going to go crazy with excessive agression, but the truth was that I had not felt so comfortable talking on the phone in years!) I felt like a natural human being, instead of an autistic.

Of course, I wrote all this down in this journal, and of course, it was completely ignored by the PIB's--no data that conflicts with their presupposed expectations ever gets through to them, and they have decided that I to be a traditional, feminine saint for them. The high energy and ambition enabled by high-T interferes with their plans for a clingingly dependent, traditional Madonna figure for them. This has led to utter hell and prolonged suffering for me, because my daily life is such a struggle. People have no idea how much effort it costs me to read and write what I do. I am like a malnourished person, trying to get up the concentration to write a dissertation, for the testosterone deprivation I am experiencing is a malnourishment. All you stupid PIB's out there---my body does not run on estrogen and progesterone. Excessive amounts of that makes me so depressed I can barely move. My body needs testosterone, and it was quite capable of making the necessary amount without masculinizing me, until you interfered with my body by introducing metabolic acceleration with the viral downloads. Now I am FUCKED, because there is no way my body can produce enough. The dosage I currently am taking costs me $80.00 a month, and I really feel that I need to double the dosage. Not only is the expense prohibitive, but of course I am aware that this is going to create noticeable masculine side effects, but I no longer care. You have turned my beautiful, unique body into a freakish mutilated alien job, and if I am going to be a freak, I want to be a happy, productive, and energetic freak--not a fat slug, who can barely move. I would rather have facial hair, than be in this fat blob of a body I now inhabit. Through your ignorance and imperious arrogance, you fuckers have really destroyed my body's natural, if unique rhythm and homeostasis, and now all I can do is try to band-aid the gaping wounds and contain the damage your stupidity has caused. No doubt tomorrow, I will wake up under the influence of yet another psychotropic drug for yet another umpteenth time, as you refuse to accept the truth, even when the data, accumulated over YEARS and repeated efforts, prove how wrong wrong your Mengelian approach and conclusions really are. I don't care. I have made my decision, and know that I might not live much longer, but I would rather go out, like I feel now, like a full human being, cooperating with my decision and controlling my actions, instead of being so sluggish and enervated that I can do nothing, but make the feeblest intentions of the will.