A sad day for the country.

Judge Alito will be nominated today.  As much as I worry and fret about my own problems and suffering, I know what a severely negative impact this nomination will have for this country, and our once proud heritage of individual rights and liberties.  I have been reading that Alito is a member of Opus Dei, and I don't doubt it for a moment.  I also realize that now the Supreme Court is stacked with Roman Catholic fundamentalists, and I know what that means for judicial decision in this country.  For I bear in my body the psychological and physical scars caused by their total disregard for the rights and respect due individual liberty, person, and body. 

An aside:yesterday, I left the stove on again.  In addition to the cost, there is the danger.  But I know how completely messed up (high and alienated from reality), I really was.  I tell these Opus Dei operatives over and over and over again, how poisonous the psychtropic drugs are for my mind and body (I realized yesterday that I was straining my back because my muscles were so weak that they were overextended; as I was driving I couldn't turn my head to check the rearview mirror because my whole torso was stiffened and in pain, in reaction to the poison).  They don't believe me, and I realize now that they won't and can't believe me.  It goes totally in the face of their ideological (it is NOT spiritual, fanaticism).  Anything is justifiable to bring someone under their Talibanic control, and they will destroy me before they can allow me to live as a free woman.  My life is so pathetic, pain-racked, miserable, and lonely right now, that really it is not worth fighting for (couldn't help but think how easy it would be to die in my new place; especially subconsciously--am I leaving the gas on because I want to die--a reproach against mother negligence), but it is worth fighting for the rights and liberties of others that I am denied myself.  Now that there are 4 Catholic fundamentalists on the Supreme Court, what is happening to me will very soon be the law of the land.  I have been falsely accused, thrown in jail, stripped of my rights to life and liberty, drugged against my will, constantly monitored and surveilled, by camera, by web, by a GPS in my truck, despite my impotent rage,in the "privacy" of my own home.  Ha Ha!  I haven't had a home in years---not since I got involved with the SLI, and they put the resources of Opus Dei against me.  Basically, Big Brother has succeeded in controlling every important aspect of my life, but the one God-given sanctuary they cannot---my free will.  And they will NEVER get it, because I will not give my allegiance over to evil, and there is no doubt in my mind, that religious fundamentalism is not in the service of God, but the evil one.   Still, I have faith, and I have hope, and maybe one day, I will love again, but I know now what I was called to do, no matter what my pain and suffering (no use complaing about it; Opus Dei operates on a principle of body sadism/masochism.  It turns them on that I suffer.  They think that they are making progress).  I remember as a teenager, dreaming that my country was becoming a fascist dictatorship, and that I was an underground leader in the fight against it.  I was in constant, desperate fear for my life, but driven by my desire to restore my country's liberties and freedoms.  Who else to fight for rights, but someone who has suffered grievously, physically and psychologically, the loss of them?   I don't know how, but that has to be my focus.  I have to forget about endurance or fighting for my rights.   Alito is the final block in the wall that the fundamentalists have been building (I wonder what political deal Bush and John Paul made in exchange for the bishops coming out against Kerry---what rotten, rotten outrage).  My back is up against it.  I have to fight back with everything I got...admittedly not much when I am doped up to the gills, but I have to try.  God help me....

Poisoned again

I just spent 10 minutes in a gas station bathroom, rocking with nausea, and keening with moans.  I am a sick zombie again, unable to remember even simple information (couldn't focus on my calls at work), or unable to remember even my social security number.  I can't function this way.  I cannot function.  I am hating life right now.  I can't keep this up.  I won't keep it up.  I have got to get this poison out of me one way or another.... 

Slowly starting to emerge from the severe, drug-induced depression and low energy that has afflicted me the past couple of months.  But the damage has been done---and is permanent, I am afraid.  From the significant vision loss and dimming, to the nerve damage that has my leg feeling like spiders are constantly running over it, to the severe back and neck and shoulder pain (now I understand how people get addicted to painkillers;  the only time I can block the pain now is with drugs), to the spreading of the painful inflammation to every part of my body, I realize my body is a total wreck, and that months of discipline and sweat and effort and hunger, have been totally undone by a bunch of Nazi doctors who have turned my body into a guinea pig and lab rat while they  forcefeed me drugs against my will, in their futile, but ongoing attempt to force me into conformity with their model of who they want me to be.  They have made it clear by words and actions that they have no respect for who I am. My contempt for them and their tactics knows no limits, and I disdain and reject all their works and pomps and lies that they forward as they try to convince people that they have my best interests at heart. They are liars of the first degree, and it never takes me long to recognize and reject one of the.  The most important thing right now for me, though, is not to be discouraged, and to try to heal the damage that has been done, to accept this fat, bloated body, even as I realize that it will take me months to lose all the fat I gained on this last go round.  But at least my mind is a little clearer now, instead of full of self-loathing and the desire to escape my body.  I can't even imagine what those idiots have done to my brain--putting a PTSD survivor like myself under such stress that I can't even breathe the air, and the muscles stiffen as they prepare for the ongoing assault.  But I have to fight back.  I'm not healthy enough yet.  But I have to work towards health.....

Triumphant

The last entry I was writing was erased as someone (I suspect Paul Deblassie--just because he is the creep right now who is monitoring me) logged me off.  So afraid of the truth, are you, you pathetic killjoys---and afraid of love, too---that is why you erased all my chats with PL from an earlier time.  I'm too sick to rebut you now, but just know, you bastards, that truth always prevail over a lie, and you are of the lie, and using lies, and your father is the prince of lies.....

crying

Woke up crying this morning, so depressed and tired that I have to force myself to get up and moving.  I realize now that the inquisitors have made me into a model American citizen--I'm depressed, passive, fat, hating my job and my life, and all strung out on the drugs that rich people are making a bundle on.  In short, I'm the soulless drone, incapable of sustained thought or depth of feeling that they wish to control.  No more worries of abundant energy or joyful exuberance from me.  Yep--they have made me a sick model of themselves.

I realized this morning I have stretch marks on my calves---from the swollen fat and severe fluid retention that I have been experiencing.  When I realized that it was lithium I was on and the primary conveyor of the poison is the pod where I worked, I went and got some thyroid supplement.  Fluid has dropped down a little and I don't feel so much like I'm too sick to function (except once the drugs hit my body---early afternoon), but I know the damage is permanent.  Nothing to do, but go to the job I truly dislike now.

a post-lithium world

By every caliber by which I measure health and well being, I am declining dramatically.  Thanks you goddamn assholes who are forcefeeding me lithium.  I thought it was anti-depressants and speed, because I was so severely depressed and lacking energy, with my entire body shutting down---symptoms of anti-depressant and speed from the past.  But I realized that I was having uncontrollable mood swings that the truly moronic mind and body raping idiots were poisoning me with lithium.  Right now, I have eight sleeping pills (of three different kinds) in my body.  I haven't been insomniac in years, and certainly not like this.  I lay awake and feel the poison coursing through my body and long to escape, to mutilate it.  I think of all the different creative ways that I can do it.  I hate to be drastic, but I know that there has been permanent damage done to my body and brain, and it is seeming more and more like the only solution is a drastic one.  I am trying to hold out, but I know that I cannot escape the poison as long as I drive, live in a household or go to work.  So it is seeming more and more that the only viable option is a drastic one.  My body is a temple and they have shit all over it, and I have to recover my body.  I cannot think, pray, read, or do anything productive (I cannot even surf the web).  I can barely exercise (feeling the poison and weakness course through my body). Eating has no enjoyment, though drinking does.  I wish I could get drunk right now.  The only time I feel halfway human is when I am drunk.  I can't remember the last time I woke up singing.  For that matter, even listening to music has no pleasure for me.  In short, my tormentors have totally dehumanized me in their ongoing attempts to control me.  All I do is lay there and cry, longing for release.  Never in my life have I been so depressed that all I can do is lay there and cry, over the irreparable damage done to my body.  My body is in perpetual pain as it constantly contracts the muscles, trying to fight off the poison it instinctively avoids.  These dumbasses.  Don't they know the difference between health and pain?  I know when I am taking something that is healthy for me and something that is sheer poison.  I think the whole manic depressive thing (like most of western medicine) is a crock of shit.  I'm not manic or depressive.  I am naturally hyperactive, and full of energy.  Does that make me sick?  Is my supervisor, who is hyperactive, sick?  How about Conner---the attractive young man who is more hyper than me?   How about Josh?  Why don't you poison their work pods with lithium?  Before you put me on this shit, I had no serious mental health issues at all.  But you don't want to control them, do you< like you me>
I can't ignore my body though.  My body cannot take much more of this abuse.  I am going to have to choose between one of the drastic options I see before me.  It is the only way to salvage myself.  Even now, I think it will be at least 6-9 months before my body is back to the good health it was in, and my inner voice keeps telling me the damage is permanent, and I think I know what they mean.  The whole left side of my body is in constant pain from muscle spasms.  Fucking pigs.  They have no idea of how much I despise them.  But one thing for sure.  They have won this round.  And I have the pain and messed up body to prove it.  When will lose this weight, this acne (forget the muscle spasmst---I can no longer control my physical pain because I have been separated from my own soul and ground of healing), the insomnia (my God, it has been years since I was insomniac?  These fuckers have destroyed everything I have worked to heal.  And they have done a really good job.  All I can do is lay here and cry and wonder what is the best way for me to try to get control of my body again

The funny thing is, that I think I was a little manic depressive as a young woman, but my body naturally healed itself.  I couldn't help but notice over the years how my mood swings improved (now they are totally unmoored.  I never know from one minute to the next what I am going to do or feel, but I know, the feeling will never be those of joy and contentment and peace, which I used to experience before).  I think I healed myself.  As a matter of fact I wonder if my hypothyroidism was a part of that natural healing (and yes, you dumb fucks---I don't give a shit what your tests say.  I have a problem with my thyroid AND YOU PUT ME ON LITHIUM!!!@@##$%&^**).  But one thing is for sure .  My body is self-destructing from the pressures of the poison, so in the next couple of weeks, I need to do something.......Two in the morning now.  I have to be up in 6 hours, and even though I am a little high from the eight sleeping pills i took, i am wide awake.  Nothing i can do.........

sick

I'm so sick with the poison these bastards are forcefeeding me.  I know every breath I take makes it worse but it is so hard to get up the energy to go somewhere to escape it--especially the gym, where it is so depressing to see vital, strong alive people, able to work out, and remember that once, long ago, i was that way, instead of a depressed fat spirtless lump barely able to move.  I know that I will never recover from what these fuckers have done to me in the last 2 months---they have trashed my body on the cellular level, and I will never recover.