So bloated that I am in severe abdominal pain

So bloated that I am in severe abdominal pain--the goddamned assholes have messed with my thyroid medication for about the last 1-2 weeks, causing weight gain, digestive discomfort (I can't digest my food--even tho I am eating just a lil at a time), and sincreasing severe bloating.  So now, I am suffering from the pain caused by all the intestinal bloat on my little extraneous abdominal organ. 

It doesn't matter.  All I can do is lay in bed anyway, I am so fucked up on psychotropic drugs.  I couldn't feven go to yoga, and now I am dealing with a severe headache, and messed up alienation from realtiy.  This after a couple of days when all I was on was speed, and was able to function at about 80%, now I am getting to the point that i cannot function at all.  I may have to call in sick tomorrow.  I just tried to web surf, and I could NOT understand ONE thing I read.  That will make it hard to keep a passing grade at work.  I don't care anymore.  I am so miserable and suffering every damned minute of every damned day I don't care.  I am about to tell off that stupid Opus Dei prick who has been assigned to spy on me.  I do my best to live out in Christian charity and ignore him, but I can read his brainwashed, fundamentalist mind from two rows away, and I am about to go off.  But the way things are now, I may be too sick to go to work at all, and even if I do, I may be too dysfunctional to retain a qualifying standard.  To bed. 

When I was a little kid

When I was a little kid,  one of my adult cousins told me of experimenting with heroin one time.  He said that his perception of reality was completely bizarre, and he walked around, perceiving reality, as if his head was on backwards.  Always being the intrepid experimenter, I always wondered what reality would look like on heroin, but as I got older, I was too smart to ever put that stuff in me.  Well, that's okay.  Courtesy of the NSA and their psychs, I had the most bizarre perception of drugged up reality I could ever imagine.  I couldn't open my eyes at all, as all objects appeared small and far away, as if I were looking through wrongly prescribed lens; then when I got close to them, the same objects appeared overwhelmingly huge, as if they were smack dab in my face.  I was so sick I couldn't walk, I craved sugar, and suffered from a godawful migraine and motion sickness.

That was yesterday.  I spent all morning in bed, unable to open my eyes because I couldn't see straight.  About 4, I was able to get up and shower, and finally do some laundry.  All day, I felt like I had a severe hangover, whether of alcohol or migraine headache.  I could hardly move, though I am grateful for the little energy that enabled me to do the laundry.  Unfortunately, my energy didn't hold out.  I am too sick and headachy to do anything more.  My house is a total mess, and my work week starts tomorrow.  I hate starting a work week with a dirty house, but there is nothing for it.  I am too sick with these psychotropic drugs to barely function, and right now, making $$$ takes priority over everything.  And you know what?  I just as soon as not have had my great bizarre psychological experiment.  I can think of much better ways to spend my weekend.  No choice though.  I wonder if I am going to be suffering with this headache all day tomorrow.  God have mercy on us all.

Still furious over what I know was flagrant

Still furious over what I know was flagrant election fraud, but I am too sick to even care much.  I went to work today and struggled for seven hours with severe pain, headaches, nausea and autism.   I can't even look at peoples' faces--it just is too overwhelming.  But I know one thing--I am not a sellout.  Yeah, I would get a lot farther if I would just sell out--look how far it got a totally characterless liar and teflon empty suit like the current Democratic presidential frontrunner, but I will die first.  Ambition, pleasure, riches--none of that shit motivates me to sell out.  I know that these bastards can make my life miserable and hellish for years and years and years (they already have done it for over 10 years), but guess what assholes?  You've already stolen my life from me, ruined any chance I have at personal happiness, and have left my body a ruined, obese wreck.  There is just not much more that you can do to me.  I will be who I am.  I will worship my God.  I will pray using the sixth "psychic" sense that you label "schizophrenia,but I know why you label it that--because it cannot be controlled or manipulated the way you control and manipulate millions.  Well fuck you all.  I may be a dying breed, but I will die with honor for who I am and what I stand for.  God have mercy on us all, and please Lord, start with me.  I am so tired of sufferinag pain and this hell of psychotropic drugs.  I am aready for it all to end.  NOW.  Yesterday.  I don;t care anymore. 

Evil is ascendant everywhere

Evil is ascendant everywhere.  I write this truth as I am so sick with psychotropic drugs that I have to keep my eyes shut so that I am not overwhelmed with stimule.  Fortunately, I can type with my eyes closed. 

First off, I have to say it because somebody nees to know (even though if anybody cares or if anybody can do anything about it, I doubt).  Yesterday morning, I woke up with a strong sense of foreboding, that I carried all day long, because I had the strong psychic impression that the NC primary was being fixed.  To be honest, I thought that Hillary Clinton was going to be the cheater because I felt like she had the party apparatus in place.  But did I understimate the power of the forces of evil to get Obama into place. 

It doesn't matter who fixed the machines--whether it was agents of Rove and the Republicans (who know that Obama cannot win against McCain), or agents of the "Puppet Master" (and I think I know who he is now), who desperately wants the "empty suit" to prop up and  front out their sellout of humanity to the real enemy of not only the US, but the entire world.  The more I see of Obama, the more I am reminded of Bush; it is not that he is merely a political liar, which would be excusable since that is a ubiquitous occupational trait, but rather, and more tragically, he is an ontological liar--he lies in and from the very depth of his own self-alienated being, and he, like Bush before him, is probably completely unaware of the level of his own self deception.  The last best hope for humanity, the "white bitch" as she was called on MSNBC, was cheated by the forces of evil.  But still, I am so very proud of her, both of the campaign that she has waged, and of my own support for her.  I was so upset yesterday, as I tried to come to grips with the fact that whe would try to "cheat" her way to victory.  I would rather have her "lose" than sell out to the tactics of the enemy (which is what Obama has done, and guaranteed, will do on an even more unprecedented scale, proportionate to his power), because if we subscribe to the tactics of the enemy, the enemy still wins.  I hope she continues to hold out, and hope for a God given miracle (because as far as I can tell, the bigwigs of the Democratic Party are completely sold out too), or continue to root and pray for her as a NY senator--she can do more good as a senator holding on to her integrity than she can as a presidential candidate who is a cheat, liar, and controlled and bought puppet of corporate media and corporate weatlth.

As for me, evil is ascendant in my body too.  I am trying to hold onto my sanity as these psychotropic drugs cause rage and suicidal ideation to abound.  I am not a human being.  I am not a person.  I am being chemically set up to be drained by the forces of evil which right now, control everything, including my own body.  Today I can say the best that can happen for the human race is total annihilation, and the best I can hope for is death.  Marantha, Lord Jesus, and free us from this evil which has gripped and destroyed us. 

FUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGED

FUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGED.

FUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGEDFUCKING SICK OF BEING FUCKING DRUGGED

Goddamned psychotropic drugs--I think it is lithium now, kills my humanity.  I am sick of suffering this stupid shit all the fucking goddamned time.  GEt your goddamned drugs out of my body you pieces of shit.  All I can do is endure.  I dont know how I am going to start work on thursday.  Too damned fucked up--I am so full of impotent rage which is the only emotion that athese goddamned drugs allow me to feel.

 

Unable to concentrate

Unable to concentrate as these drugs sap all my energy and initiative.  I have lost years of my life to this shit.  I cannot read.  I cannot pray.  I cannot play music.  I surf the web, watch TV, and lay in bed while my unfocused mind, and drugged up body just tries to escape reality.  Soon I will be working but again, I don't know if I can hold a job as messed up as I am.  And then there is the smell.  I cannot stand my own chemical stench.  Every time I smell my body, I want to vomit.  Every morning I wake up and have to open up the window to let out the hateful chemical smell that lingers in the air after escaping from my pores in my sleep.  I am just disgusted beyond belief--with myself for being unable to exercise or function in life, but most especially to the assholes who have stolen years of my life with their stupidity and bodily violation of my once holy, energetic, and purposeful life.

Really tired as I write

Really tired as I write--a massive blood sugar crash and migraine sent me home without doing yoga, and I just feel lousy.  It is the Risperdal causing the blood sugar crashes and craving for sugar.  I know--I have had it before.  The sad thing is that I don't need to suffer from these blood sugar crashes and resulting migraines.  When I am on thyroid medication (and NOTHING else), my blood sugar stabilizes immediately, and I start losing weight, partly because I don't feel the need to eat every time my blood sugar crashes. 

I am tired though of begging for my health (at least I am not as deadly sick as I was).  I dread going back to work.  The risperdal causes painfly muscle spasms that lead to chronic pain and body tension, and they also cause tendon spasms in my ankly making it impossible for me to walk correctly.

I am unable to sleep (all that speed), and have been waking up around 11 in the morning, unrefreshed from a night of yucky and broken dreams, instead of my normally healthy narrative-style dreams.  I don't know how I am going to be able to get up at 6 in the morning (when I fall asleep at 4), and be able to pay attention to training starting at 7:30 in the morning. 

Well, this day is over.  Time for me and my Fiornal headache to go to bed.