What the hell have the PIB's done to my body now?

What the hell have the PIB's done to my body now? I just pulled myself back from the precipice of what I think was diabetic coma--by drinking juice. I had just posted my last blog an hour ago, and was trying to go for a bike ride, but knew I was too fucked up and autistic to get on a bike. Thank God I didn't, because as I forced myself to shuffle up and down the alley in baby steps, I became so autistic and disconnected from reality that I had to walk with eyes shut and finally lay down. Then I noticed my stomach was cramping badly, even though I last ate about 2 or 3 hours ago. I remembered that abdominal cramping was a symptom of pending diabetic coma, so I forced myself to get up and drink a 1/2 glass of juice. Instant results. Immediately, my eyes could open, and I could walk better. I am no longer so severely autistic. I am writing this, while before all I could do was lay down in the bed and keep eyes shut. Still pretty fucked up, but not as bad as I was. So the question is, what have the motherfuckers done to me to cause me to start sliding into a diabetic coma. I don't know. Too sick to figure it out. I just know that I am going truly fucked on every level, physically, emotionally and mentally as long as this doping bullshit continues...

New round of psychotropics

New round of psychotropics---don't know what it is, but I woke up profoundly alienated from my own center of being after a restless night. I dreamed but not only could not remember the dreams, but woke up feeling as though I had not slept at all--no restorative or refreshing powers to the sleep. ONce again, I am not able to appreciate music--it is as if all emotional feelings and responses have been completely deadened. I am abnormally cold. All day, I have been going through reality in a drugged state of cocooned alienation. My energy is slipping away, and though I am going to try to force myself to go for a bike ride, I don't know how much longer I am going to be able to function--what little energy I have is fading rapidly as the dosage of whatever psychotropic poison in my body increases. This really is frustrating, because there is SO MUCH I need to read, watch, assimilate and think on--I am on another cusp, but I can barely function. I also woke up with my belly distended. I look fatter than ever before. So, even though I don't feel like it, I have to try to do a little exercise--I cannot bear being in this fat, muscle-less blob of a body.

Addendum to previous post

Addendum to previous post....I realized that I am indeed being tortured with electro-magnetic shocks to the brain. It is just that the shocks are occurring interiorly, rather than through electrodes placed on the outside of the skull. Occasionally, I can feel the electric pulse in my brain, and occasionally (frequently when I am drugged on lithium), I feel the electric shock go through not only my brain, but my entire body. Anyway, there is no doubt that I am tortured and experimented on multiple levels. It was another day of feeling so drugged that I spent hours sleeping. I tried to read some Scripture, as a Lenten discipline, but my eyes were so messed up, that it was difficult to read. As my dream of a couple of days ago told me, my current symtomolgy is something I have experienced before. Watching the Veritas interview of Bill Ryan and Kerry Cassidy, who talked of experiencing a witness unable to express himself, barely able to move his mouth, I recognized my own experience, trying to talk to Dale Friday. So many weapons and tools at the cabal's disposal...I know now why I was chosen to endure this hell. I honestly doubt that many people could endure it at all. Still, I have to work at keeping my spirits up, keep plugging ahead on these difficult subjects, and struggle to share what I know. Knowledge is power. Yes, I prefer to just sit and fantasize while I listen to music, or sit outside and look at the budding trees and blue sky, but I am unemployed for a reason--so that I will have the free time to delve into these topics of which so many, chained to life's demands and mind controlled by the media-entertainment-sports comlex, have no idea.

Amazing, isn't it--that a brain can be force fed high doses of insulin and electro-shocked by a cabal, that also is capable of interfering with my brain and verbal ability through surveillance methods that are more akin to science fiction than anything we know, but such is my world, and such will be the world for many if something doesn't change. It will, though, God willing.

Literally hurts to smile

Literally hurts to smile--just looked at myself in the mirror--something I rarely do, because my face and body no longer seem like they belong to me. Distressed to see that my once smiling face is becoming a marked, lined downward frown, especially on the right side. I tried to smile, and realized that it actually hurt to smile, because the facial reconstruction the PIB's have done on my face is designed to keep the excessive amounts of viral fluid there, but it discourages smiling. I don't have much to smile about, but I sure am unhappy about my face developing like David Rockefeller's or The Event's "Dr. Dempsey". Again, nothing I can do about it, until this virus is out of me. I just hope one day I can get my smile back, along with my face, along with my body.

A cursory reading of lightweight WWW reading

A cursory reading of lightweight WWW reading led to my introduction of a psychiatrist completely sold out to mind control objectives and methods--William Sargant. For the past couple of days, I have been feeling the need to get off my constant reading diet of high-intensity evil and conspiracy theories, but even when I click on tabloid reading, I seem to end up in the same places. A few clicks from Drudge led me to the story of a British actress of whom I have never heard, but who, like me, has first hand contact with mind control psychs. As a young pre-teenager, the aspiring ballerina suffered from severe anorexia/bulimia, and ultimately, like most people, was healed by confronting, no-nonsense honesty from the professionals and mentors around her, but not before the mind-control doctor in charge of her treatment nearly killed her. His name was William Sargant, and apparently he did some work for, and with MK Ultra. For sure, his treatment approaches, personal styles and beliefs fit the profile of a cabal doctor. Among his insights that reveal him to be mind control cabal: "Neurotic people (as opposed to 'normal'people) have lost their suggestibility", "every dog has its breaking point", referring to the people/patients (whom he called "eccentrics") who resisted his mind control treatment.

Although he seemed to prefer electroshock therapy, there were a couple of techniques that he used that I recognize/suspect as being used on me. First of all, was the high insulin treatment, which is supposed to make the brain receptive for mind control "suggestibility". Problems with blood sugar has been an issue for me ever since my unwillingly, cabal mind-control "suggestibility" and experimentation began. For the last two days, I once again have been smelling ketoacidosis in my urine. Yet there is practically nothing I can do about it. The virus causes unexpected metabolic consequences in my physiology, leading to impaired metabolism, and ravenous hunger, especially for protein. For a couple of days, I felt better, and more normal, with a normal appetite and appetite control. At the time, I attributed it to the testosterone that I knew I was being given, but it is not the hormones that is the decisive factor, it is the VIRUS--my body does not have a "normal" metabolism, and it craves extra fuel when the metabolic accelerant of the DNA/RNA changing virus downloads. Still, I would not be surprised to learn that my brain and blood is being bathed with insulin in preparation for mind-control work, and this is not healthy at all--especially given my paternal family's genetic predisposition for obesity. I am doing everything I know to prevent diabetes from taking hold--there is no sugar in my house, and I have resisted the springtime urge to buy a 12 pack of beer, but still even that gets turned against me. The mind control doctors are doing their best to turn my concern, and even obsession with my weight gain against me. Playing mind games. Aware of it, but unable to do anything about it. (I think I may know the cause of my metabolic problems, but I have learned to keep my mouth shut, rather than give mind control doctors more weapons to use against me--nothing can really be done about it anyway--except to remove the virus from my body. Funny thing is, that I am certain that I could astral plane without that virus, if I were just allowed to be free and to be me....)

Anyway, he other favorite technique of this doctor was to keep people drugged into artificial sleep. Interestingly, as I wrote this above paragraph, an overwhelming need to sleep forced itself on me, and I slumbered for a half hour, while I vainly tried to watch a news program. I am reminded of how I spent all day Thursday, sleeping, barely able to drag myself up for basic bodily necessities. Then on Friday, they were able to knock me out, without my awareness. Oh yes, I am so worked on by these mind control doctors, I don't know how I manage to resist, but I do. I am quite sure that no one who would disregard and disrespect a human being by manipulating, drugging, and attempting to mind-control them, without consent of free will, can be up to anything good or productive. So, I have to hold on, no matter how drugged. It is not just about me, but so much more.

Afraid of going to sleep

Afraid of going to sleep--going to have to take drugs. drugged on something. wondering what faction of military is responsible for the most recent mind control bullshit. whoever they are, i despise them. they don't get it. Autism may be a factor in me not being able to astral travel. but i can do it, but my way. not the way of goddamned pigs who did to me what those fucking pricks have done to me. Face severely swollen. head hurts very bad. shoulders hurt. miserable in this cut up, mutilated body, and on top of that, mother fucking pigs still on me. new remote viewers in apt in front of me. making a point of themselves. couple--who knows--Mormon or goddamned pharasaical selfrightious military pigs who think being straight is some great moral virtue while they destroy my body and brain in order to use me? i am sure a big issue with me being intersexed is because they can't stand the thought of me being a lesbian. Fuck off asshole. leave me alone, in terrible fucking pain but will resist you goddamned abusive violating patriarchal pigs with every fiber of my being.
GO TO HELL, OR ORION OR WHEREVER. NAUSEATED. GOT TO TO BED

The Borg Machine is amping up the mind games

The Borg Machine is amping up the mind games, at least on me--big time. I suppose I should be grateful, because once again, I am feeling somewhat "normal" with my usual level of energy. That is because, once again, after presenting my case and supporting evidence multiple times, I have proved my own experiential truth--I need high levels of testosterone--not for a sex drive or an erect penis--but for metabolism, digestion, circulation, brain function, and the full gamut of the billions of cellular interactions. Every cell in my body is XY, and needs the testosterone to fuel it, in order to work, especially when the virus places high demands of energy requirements on it, for my body was designed and developed for the male hormonal system to predominate. When my male hormonal system is starved of the testosterone fuel, the female hormonal system cannot pick up the slack (no matter how much excessive female hormones they feed me), because that is not the way my body was designed or developed, and so I become so sick and drained of energy that I can barely move.

Only God knows the amount of needless suffering I have endured because of evil or stupid mind-control forces who will not accept the word of a woman when she insists that she knows who she is, or what is good for her. No, patriarchal men and women, as well as the Machine Aryan slaves, with their uncreatively stultifying binary vision cannot accept the iconclastic fullness of truth, even when it presents itself clearly, in front of their eyes. The false idols that my being strips of their pretentious claims by my very existence is the primacy of cultural norms that men and women have strict definitions and expectations of them, depending on their gender phenotype. Wrong!!! The more elemental and honest truth is that, everyone single one of us is a child of God, no matter our gender type, and how it fits into the stereotyped generalizations. Yes, generally speaking, men have a different psychological profile than women, but gender should never be used to define or defend rigid role expectations, because each individual can fall way outside of the stereotyped spectrum, and by denying the truth of their reality and doubting the validity of their gifts, of such nonconformists, society takes on the role of the Machine, killing human potential, denying the vaility of the gifts, until it conforms to the binary code.

It is a miracle that I developed my giftedness to the extent that I did, because at every step of the way, I had patriarchal types, products of the binary Machine, informing me, either directly or subtly, that I was a misfit, who had to be conformed to expectations, in order to "fit". Actually, it wasn't a miracle--it was DAMNED HARD WORK, that took every ounce of courage, emotional resilience, and intellectual dedication to understanding, that I had. From the time I was a child to now, I have persisted in being honest to my own spiritual and psychological truth, preferring to go the way of marginalization, loneliness, suffering, and even betrayal and abandonment, rather than live or embrace the patriarchal/Machine lie. Now, I think I finally may have won this battle of proclaiming my self-identity, but sadly, it may be a Pyrhhic victory.

After years of ineptitude, stupidity, and brutal, tortuous arrogance, the Machine and its minions finally have the necessary understanding of my brain function to hack into my brain, and plug me into the Machine. As a matter of fact, I think they were able to abduct me yesterday from a WAKING state, not a sleeping state. I was talking to Dale, when I experienced this missing time--about 20 minute--I know, because I have a highly developed inner clock and strong innate sense of time. Where did the time go? What happened? I don't know. I imagine that I sat there in a catatonic state for 20 minutes. I have absolutely no memory of any psychic images or impressions whatsoever. I was very autistic once I came out of the time-lost fugue--actually, I was very autistic before the fugue. I had been really struggling to stay focused in the present even before the fugue, and I thought that it was because I had been abducted the night before and had the memories and viral-injected bump on my head to prove it. The night before I had dreamed that I had been given another, older model computer. I took this to mean that the Machine was once more, tinkering with my brain/hormonal systems to get a mind controlled puppet they can use to spread religionist lies to prop up another millennia of religonist and zealot slaves. I spent the day, very uncentered and hyperactive--neurotic as hell, but nothing was as worrisome as the lost time. So, it is clear that the Machine can abduct me at will. What does that mean for me? Well, I continue to hold onto my faith (which the Machine cannot take away), and am praying for God's grace to get me through this. I would hate to be plugged into the Machine, to be in limbo, to have a trapped soul, but apparently the Machine has been doing this for centuries, and if somethind doesn't change, it will do it for centuries more. I have to believe that God will come through for me. S/He always does.

The other worrisome notion that flitted across my mind is that the Machine might try to change my gender type to male!! For the Machine is binary--it is not like Almighty God and healthy humans, who can experience reality in 360 degree fullness and truth. It MUST insist upon strict classification, or its "brain" cannot make sense of its experience, but I DON'T fit into binary classifications and never will. Yes, I think my life would have been a lot easier and happier if I had been born in a non-autistic, male body, but that is not the way God knitted me in the womb, and my sould cooperated fully with my deformed creation (or I would have aborted), and so I have to stand by it. I can honestly say that really I am not a man, but neither am I woman. I am truly intersexed, and the best I can hope for is a healthy androgyny. I cannot become a man by having a penis exteriorized outside of me, for I do not have a lifetime of privileged experience as a male, including those formative childhood and adolescent years. Nor can I ever be a woman, for I do not have the hormonal system or innate, chakra and psychological strengths of a female. I am what I am--a very disabled male in a female body, but I can take that and turn it into a highly creative and unique individual, and that is what I have done. Or rather, what I have tried to do, for by mutilating my body, the Machine/Nazi Aryans has undercut my self-esteem and self-confidence in who I am, coming after years of abuse, drugging, and rejection and betrayal by patriarchal men and women (including my own mother). But I tell myself to resist the psychological pain of my mutilation, for I understand that loss of self-esteem and self-confidence is part of the Machine/Nazi Aryan agenda--that it is so much easier to use mind control to plug one into the Machine, when one is of low self-esteem and confidence.

I just want to be who I am--a highly individuated, intersexed human being, free to be me, and free to live out my life choices. I don't think it is going to be that simple anymore, but I will continue to do the best I can, and hope that God gives me the grace to persevere--I have already suffered so much to physically live and psychologically thrive in the difficult life that God, circumstance, and reality have bestowed upon me, that it would be a shame to spend millennia trapped as a lost soul, plugged into the bowels of the Machine, for the amusement of a computer.