Saturday, October 22, 2011

I know that I am being drugged by the "Good Guys"

I know that I am being drugged by the "Good Guys", just as I surely know that I would do so much better, and be more responsive to not only my own desires and ambitions, but also to theirs, IF THE DAMNED DRUGGING WOULD STOP. I reread my posts from a couple of days ago, and recognized, "that is how I write, when I am healthy and undrugged". Yes, it could have used some minor editing, and I still have difficulty with word choice and spelling, but still I knew that I was less drugged than usual when I wrote that. Not only was the lack of drugging evident in my writing, but also that night, I was able to pray naturally and normally, uttering a Hebrew mantra, with the word, "kadosh" in it. I have always loved the intrinsic beauty of that word, ever since I learned of it as an undergrad. The mantra basically translates as "Holy, holy, holy, Lord God of the angel-armies". I would spell it out, but there is a word (the only word I had to look up), that I cannot "see" in my head, and would have to look it up. Yep, I'm drugged all right. It is too much effort to spend 30 seconds to look it up. Anyway, the point that I am trying to make is that, right now, as drugged as I am, I know the mantra would have no effect on me. In order to reach a high state of contemplation, or "ascension", I have to be off these damned drugs and excessive estrogen. I have been taking T-tabs like crazy just to get through the day, for the past couple of days. It is providential for all, that even with this low energy, the brain can think--not as well, as it can when I am healthy and undrugged, but still functional. It is really hard to get out of an autistic, imaginative state right now, but I have spent most of the past couple of days, trying to figure out what happened last week. Normally, I don't do that--always forward looking, but there is a wealth of data to crunch, and I just can't ignore it, even if it is over. Anyway, there is not much I am going to accomplish today, so I am going to go back to my plan of cleaning my home for winter. Next step--shop at Wal-Mart for cleaning supplies--I would never do that on a weekend, but the day feels irretrievably lost, when I am this drugged, so I may as well try to do something with it.

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