Took a shower and realized just how severely I had been cut on and mutilated in the last couple of days.. I have been so sick that I literally have no feeling of body-person. I just long for death. However, in the shower, it becaume clear that once again, severe damage done to body. there is nothing left to cut, so what they cut maims me badly. hard to sit up anad hold arms up on desk to type. keep going numb. pain in back and shoulders from where they cut. desperately want another body, any body, or let me die in this one. don't want to be in this body anymore. but cant make the leap of faith to go all the way into another body. i dont think the problem is my lack of faith. i think it is the fact that I am so sick and ill, that i am not able to unify my inner self soo that the unconscious and conscious are one. doesnt help that I am a deeply divided person to begin with--having to be in a female body with a male psyche--it allows the MACHINE to get in there and wreak havoc--especially when i am force fed hormones and drugs.
I know what makes me happy--being active, energetic, and authoratative--even if as now by the authority of my writing. hate being feminine, passive, and nurturing. not my style at all--when i am healthy. Right now, i am so sick and in such pain that anything that comes out of my head is not to be trusted.
I DESPERATELY NEED TO BE IN A SAFE PLACE, to heal, to pray, to re-integrate my psyche, which the MACHINE and its brainwashed minions have spent the last severely years destroying and fragmenting in an attempt to control me. I just dont know how much longer i can live in the hellish existence that i am in, but I dont see any immediate relief in sight--not even 11/11/11.