Slowly, I am trying to rebuild trust

Slowly, I am trying to rebuild trust in the reality in which I find myself. It is not easy, especially when I was up until 3:30 in the morning, with my body convulsing in involuntary, full body spasms and mini-seizures. I think I was on some kind of lithium or related drug, because my brain was rushing, and I was in a semi-psychotic state of mind. Of course, I was abducted, but I fully expect that now, whenever I prepare for bed. The question is only, "who will abduct me?". What is really disconcerting is that oftentimes, I am abducted by two or more separate factions. Of course Amon Ra devotees, the Nazis, and reptilians are hard core evil. Then I think that there are two factions of Sirians who are competitors, not only for long-standing historical reasons, but also for my primary allegiance. I think that these basically correspond to "good" dog or cat Sirians, that is, red or yellow Sirians. Of course, I carry genetic material from both. Since I am descended from both factions, like both cats and dogs, am unaware of the reason for the conflict, rationally, I would try to please both. However, I think that both sides have a radically different vision of my future--one sees me as a crippled female (the "dogs" and "reds"), and one sees me as a Black man (the "cats" and "yellows"). As I have made clear, consciously I would choose to be a Black man. It makes intuitive sense to me (and maybe I should spend some time writing out why), and I would love to be in a male body. More and more, it is clear to me, that I identify myself in every possible way, emotionally, physically, psychologically, as male. Yet, clearly I balk, and at night, am undermining my own conscious desires.

Now, I know that I still have a powerful evil spirit within me. I think it is an evil spirit of deception laid upon me in the womb, probably resulting from the alien interference which disrupted my natural development as a male. I recognize that I have this evil spirit, and could work to correct it, except that I am constantly under stress and duress from all the drugs I am given, and the constant changes done to my body at night. I think that last night, once again, the "dog" Sirians reversed my "cat" tag. Whether it was a more neutral dog faction, or the one allied with the evil MACHINE-RA, I do not know.

I DO KNOW THIS--these changes come about when I am severely drugged, to the point of psychosis. Now, whether it is the semi-psychotic state caused by the drugs, or my own inner rage at being drugged which allows the evil spirit within me to vocalize, I do not know. I do know that EVERY TIME I AM SEVERELY DRUGGED, I say or do things in my sleep, that consciously I would not do. The really difficult part is trying to remember or reconstruct what I said or did, while under the influence of drugs.

So, last night I dreamed that I was threatening to run away from home, and my mother was threatening to spank me (this actually did happen to me as a child--I ran away from home, and ended up getting a "good licking"). Now, I believe that I said that, because it is in my personality makeup to get up and move on, when I feel frustrated or stymied. I have got my Dad's adventurous wanderlust, and itchy feet. My guess is that I was threatening to move, because I am so boxed in by alien presence, and human intelligence agents on all sides of me (I have one apartment complex in front of me, and one behind me, and both of them are crawling with human psychics). I can only guess that I was angry that I was so drugged on lithium last night, that my body was convulsing, and that may have fired off a threat to move. If so, it was either an immature, angry response, or a bluff, and since I don't bluff in real life, I can only assume the former.

For I HAVE thought about moving, and have rejected it. Yes, there are times that I am certain that the aliens which surround me, are evil, but when I am more rational, I acknowledge that there is regard for me that belies such an assumption. However, even if they were evil (and remember, I had genuine Nazis living across from me, directing an energy weapon at my house for nearly three weeks, before I kicked over the pyramids that had been placed adjacent to my house), I know that moving is not the answer. I learned that years ago, when I flew across the country to visit Colleen in Florida. It was early in the abuse cycle. I hadn't even been thrown in jail yet, but even there, every where I went, cultist types (whether Opus Dei or Amon Ra--it is amazing how similar the two types of devotees are) followed me, and that dashed any hopes that I had of moving long distance to elude the negative parasites which had latched on to me, despite my loathing and desire to be rid of them. No, there is nowhere I can move to escape the constant surveillance and interference (drugging) which has been status quo for my life, for years now.

However, I suspect that "my mom threatening to whip me" was Hillary Clinton making it clear that the government would burn me bad if I tried. It wouldn't be that hard. Already, I live a most marginalized existence. That would be all I need--to antagonize the "good guys", while the "bad guys" are out there with ravenous mouths looking to snap me up.

For if there is one person in the astral arc that I trust, it is Hillary Clinton. I have followed her too long, not to know her, the bad and the good, completely. She cares deeply about humanity, and especially this country, and she has got the political savvy and survival skills to make a truly transformative and beneficient change, which is, of course, what this country needs--though it make take a few years to fully implement it. I also have watched her endure the trial by fire of the 2008 campaign and deftly elude assassination attempts in the last two years. That tells me that she is "God's 'chosen' woman", too, and while I have been known to quarrel with God and His choices, I have not had a problem with that one.

This does not mean that I think she is always right, but I trust her, more than I trust any other person of power, whether human or alien, which is influencing me. Could she possibly be deceived or make a wrong choice? Absolutely. She has been deceived by people she trusted in the past, and almost certainly will be again in the future. Because of her vocation as a politician, her efficacy depends on a multitude relationships, at all levels and depths, for support. My marginalized status allows me the luxury of greater discrimination in which acquaintances and allies I trust. Whether for better or worse, I cannot help but honor my well-earned fear of that hidden veil of deception which has cloaked our planet for millenia. It is this unconscious knowledge in my "old soul" which reserves against any unconditional trust on my part. I am not only looking out for me, but believe it or not, I am looking out for her. I know and regret that I do project negative emotion onto her that probably has to do with anger and disappointment regarding my own mother, but clearly she has no problem dealing with me clearly--as evidenced by my dream of threats of "being spanked".

I am perfectly okay with that, as I prefer honest communication and relationships to back stabbing and subtle threats. Being autistic, I miss many subtle hints in interpersonal communication. It is an area that I have worked hard on, but still I have a long way to go. I don't know if I suffer from the limitations of autism in my dream state, but I expect that I do, so I would much rather be threatened clearly than subtly. Of course, the whole point of this post is that any threat on my part, "to move" (and escape the alien influence in my current setting) was not from my real self at all. I am sure that it was from an evil spirit of deception, but whether that evil spirit was triggered by the drugs, or the anger from all the suffering the drugs caused, I don't know. I do know that as long as I am drugged, I will not be able to work to rid myself of that evil spirit of deception.

With all apologies, I must say that I am in a period of deep inner turmoil. This is caused by a show that I have been watching for a while--"Battlestar Galactica". This has been a difficult show to watch on many levels. For one thing, not one of the characters is really one with whom I can identify--they are either "too cold" or "too hot". Secondly, I find the Cylons and their ability to manifest in people's imagination, just too damned sinister, since my loss of ability to control my astral sleep, results in a similar experience. Finally, the show has "Faction 2" written all over it (check out the names on the show--Laura Roslin--of Roslyn chapel or Kara (body of RA) Thrace. Sometimes, I have to force myself to watch that show, though I insist upon resolution. Well, I am in the last season, and I think I know where the show's plot is going, and I find myself highly resistant. Intellectually, I know that I can resolve ANYTHING, but emotionally, I think I will be in a rocky period for a while, as I attempt to integrate certain truths into my personal self-concept and world view.

Of course, this could all have been much easier, if people/aliens had set and "schooled me down", instead of trying to piece everything together, a little at a time. However, for whatever reason, things did not develop that way. Do I trust aliens? Yes, but not unconditionally. I am glad Salusa is alive (there was a local story about the death of a zoo lion and I feared the worst), and was not the involved in the most recent factional attempt to ouster/kill Hillary Clinton. At the time, I was not sure. I am uncomfortable with some of the material in Salusa's postings, and I only dropped my firm resistance to him, because I deduced that a lot of "good guys" who I respect, including Hillary Clinton, trusted him. Since then, I have had positive astral encounters with him (the few that I remember), but I am just too caught up in a Sirian civil war that I do not understand, to trust him completely. Then there was the alien that I met in the Census workplace, and then a short time later in an astral encounter. I trusted her, and allowed her to inject me with something that she warned could paralyze me if I twitched. I made really sure to lie still, but by trusting her, I ended up catching a bodacious body beating at the hands of her compatriots--I think that very same night. They didn't like the small, horny protrusions on my belly, since that meant I had some other genetic bloodline in me (crazy, the racism that exists among these aliens--and we think humans are bad...). Then of course, I would trust the alien woman I saw at the hospital, except that the MRI scan she gave me, was used to gut my body of its masculine musculature and extra set of ribs, which has left me feeling miserable, and unable to exercise for the past year. Even now, I am often abducted by opposing camps of aliens, so how can I be sure who or what is causing the sense of violation that I often feel upon awakening.

Still, I do the best that I can to piece information together as best I can. I maintain, and always have maintained, that it is not what I say in my sleep that is 100% me, it is what I say and do in my conscious life. How long I have to put up with all this unconscious abduction and manipulation, I don't know. At least, I am not drugged up, tonight, so maybe I will watch another episode of that tv show that is causing such emotional turmoil--so if I am out of character in my dream state--you will know why...