Woke up this morning with severe cramps in my legs--it has happened before. It means there is way too much estrogen in my body. What has not happened before is my complete inability to stretch and work out the cramp, which is years past I could do. However, my body is so fucked up, with this mutilated, abnormal musculo-skeletal system, that I cannot even sit straight, on the ground, and have my thighs touch the ground. I can barely bend forward at the hips with this inverted pelvis that has completely messed up my body's natural structural mechanics. So, I woke up with the rage that always hits me when I have too much FUCKING ESTROGEN in my system, exacerbated by the terrible pain caused by cramps. Even now, my leg is cramping, but there is little that I can do about it. I am not capable of any real exercise of this fucked up body, and what little exercise I can do is an endurance test, not only for my stamina, but for the constant mind control games the red Sirians and their minions play on me. I can always tell them a mile away, because they are the ones who always want me to be the straight female, and they operate their mind games according. GET THIS MOTHERFUCKERS AND GET THIS GOOD. I AM NOT A STRAIGHT FEMALE. I AM A MAN IN A WOMAN'S BODY, WHO LEARNED TO LOVE MYSELF BY ADOPTING A LESBIAN FEMALE IDENTITY.
Yesterday, some stupidass man (mind control game), asked me if I wanted to race, in a flirtatious manner. I DON'T FLIRT WITH MEN. I COMPETE WITH MEN, (OR COOPERATE WITH THEM--if we are on the same team, but no man who sees me as a heterosexual female is on my team). THANKS TO YOU GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKERS, I AM A CRIPPLE, WHO CAN BARELY PERFORM OR EXERCISE, MUCH LESS ENGAGE IN HEALTHY COMPETITION. For that matter, I can barely engage people in a proactive, creative manner at all. I am functioning, but at a very low level. I am not quite hating life, though I suffer with major headaches and autism, but I am struggling to engage it, and certainly not enjoying it all.
Why and how does this shit happen? Again, I think it is the unconscious talking in my sleep, which IS NOT ME! Night before last, I dreamed that I was going to a dance, as an exaggerated female (with an artificial hourglass waist, which I knew had been artificially carved and created for me), and really ugly clothes that I hated, and said to myself, "this is not my style at all". However, while I identified as the clear feminine, my date was a butch lesbian! As a matter of fact, I knew who the woman was in my dream, and while I liked her, she never was the type I was sexually attracted to. I am sometimes attracted to women who are physically "butch"--especially if they have athletic bodies, and like to work out; however, I am NEVER attracted to women who are emotionally butch--that is to say whose psyches and personalities resemble the exaggeratedly masculine--the macho, domineering type. My own personality and psyche is essentially masculine, and I know that I have a deep need for a feminine personality to complement me. I have absolutely nothing to offer men in the way of deep emotional fulfillment.
So, why do I keep dreaming this lie, and (no doubt), verbalize it in my sleep. Again, I think it is an evil spirit of deception taking hold of me, yet clearly I resist any kind of definitive resolution--at least unconsciously, though consciously, I am quite clear--PLEASE, MAKE ME A MAN, or at least give me back my body back, so I can feel good about myself, being in this female body. (and get rid of the goddamned boobs). There is a war going on--not only in myself, but also around me. I dreamed of a huge battle taking place on Friday night, and while I remember the dream, I still am trying to figure out how to interpret it. I am trying to understand a civil war between alien factions, the dog and cat Sirians, of which I practically know nothing--except that I am the prize booty. There you have it--I am reduced to "booty", by dominating and technologically superior forces, which do not regard me as an equal, deserving of any rights. No wonder why I keep dreaming that yes indeed, I am female! Well, in my unconscious I may cower and surrender, but consciously the fight to claim my own identity and sexuality goes on.