Monday, June 4, 2012

What a day a difference makes

What a difference a day makes. Tragic setbacks on all fronts. So much going on that I have not written about, because I myself have not had the chance to emotionally absorb everything I have learned in the last 24 hours. Hell, I can't even go for a leisurely bike ride to try to clear my mind, without a four alarm fire distracting me. So, where to start--chronologically, with last night. I got the impression that I was being screened for apprenticeship entry into one of the Sirian cliques--the ones associated with the birds, I think. I had a lot on my mind, because "my mother" (I don't really think it is her, but rather some KaBal agent) has been calling me every day for the past few days. Her birthday was this weekend, and I felt guilty for not calling her or sending her a birthday card. However, my reasons for doing so are sound. My mother is deep into the evil KaBal, the Amon-RA clique, and for years has actively tried to destroy me. Now, of course, all sorts of horrible memories of abuse committed by her against me, are beginning to resurface, and that complicates matters even more. I have learned that it does no good to confront my mother. She just puts on the helpless, hurt, little girl act, and LIES, LIES, LIES.

So yesterday morning, meditation is going rather well, and I literally could see bright white light all around me, and golden doors. I can't walk through, but it still is progress over the dark, sparkly field that I normally experience. However in the meditation, there still is a heaviness that I can't shake. Partly it is a fear that no matter what occult clique I get involved in, parties are going to try to force me to be a reptilian queen and/or force a pregnancy on me. So, I decided to go for a bike ride, and while riding, I get the sense that the Italian clique has once again emerged as the dominant occult player, and are monitoring me while I rode my bike. That is when the interdimensional action began. I literally bilocated while bicycling. In my imagination, I fantasized of boarding a plane and sitting with PF next to me, like a loving, married couple. I now think that the fantasy indicated real interdimensional action. It is incredible to me that I was able to bi-locate while biking on a public path. I have bi-located before, but when I do that, I think I go catatonic. I know that I have done it on a plane trip, and on my couch, but while biking???

I did make one stop, as a monsoon storm started, and when the wind became fierce, I paused at the foot of a big tree. Maybe in that brief moment, I bi-located. In any case, it was a good thing that I (we--PF and I) did make the interdimensional trip, because we saved lives. We ended up on an interdimensional psychic flight, and it was under attack. Maybe it was a flight populated by the psychic clique that dared to take me on. All I know was that somehow I was fighting an oppressive feeling that somewhere, a hidden agenda was threatening to deny my free sovereignty and once again force me to be a reptilian queen.

Now, I suspect that feeling of oppression comes from the alliance of Faction 2/3 of the Amon-RA/Italian/Maurice Strong clique, and I think that they have two modes of negative influence. One is to flip Loretta/Watcher, who is vulnerable to whatever technology they are using. However, she still is powerful, both in her own right, and in her emotional relationship with PF. I was wrong in my original speculation that there was ever a sexual relationship between them; however there is an intimate bond there, as well as a significant power imbalance with Loretta/Watcher able to unilaterally dominate PF, especially when an evil spirit is upon her. I will go back to my earlier claim--the relationship is more like mother/daughter--and I say that because Loretta/Watcher is in a female body. The more I get to know her, the more I recognize that her feminine side, is like mine--a weaker, "lying" side, for which she tries to compensate by constantly talking about feminine activities and pursuits. (I tried to compensate by identifying with the strongest possible female heroines I could find, and by developing a strong feminist outlook on reality). Furthermore, I think the masculine being in Watcher WANTS to impregnate me with my own energies/DNA--not in a sexual way or for sexual gratification, but from a deep masculine insecurity that he cannot procreate physical life himself. These two insecurities, I think, the lie that he lives and feels as a male residing in a female body, and his own deep need, and yet inability, to father children, are what enables the KaBal to keep flipping his brain and free will--that and his masculine competitiveness for PF, which sees me as a threat for the affections of his primary caretaker and companion.

It is hard to relate to someone who is entrenched in an existential lie like that. I know, because for years I suffered the same problem. Outwardly, I was insistent that I was a woman, yet really I felt more comfortable relating as a man, and would took offense when people (men and women) actually related to me as a woman. People (both men and women) on the other hand, would take offense, when I demonstrated the masculine temperament and approach, which really IS my natural mode of being. Needless to say, an existential lie as profound and divisive as being a strong male in a weak female body, causes major problems with self-identity, self-esteem, self-confidence, and social relations, and all these advanced sentient beings can talk all they want about "mind over body" or the primacy of pure consciousness. The bottom line is that as long as someone is a resident of the 3D world, material and physical reality has profound importance, not only for someone like me, but even for an advanced, ancient being like Loretta/Watcher.

So, I am always on alert around Loretta/Watcher, for I know that the existential lie and creative insecurity with which she/he is living, will always be subject to manipulation by evil forces, and the easiest way to deflect your own inadequacies is to project them on to someone else. Likely, the insecure part of her believes that if I could just be happy in my female body, then she could too. If I would just "accept" his baby (impregnation by parthenogenesis), then his own need to father a child would be assuaged. However, I have been living the existential lie a lot longer than Loretta/Watcher, and I have already learned that doing so only yields diminishing returns, until it becomes unbearable. I am past that point--she/he is just starting to get there.

Our personal relationship is complicated by the fact that she is a mother figure, and right now, I am working through major mother abuse issues. For decades, I was in complete delusion regarding my mother, believing her to be a victim of circumstance, a bad marriage, etc. Now however, I can see that she was the one who enjoyed the power and satisfaction which the satanic cult provided her, and she personally indulged in the same distic torture on her toddler children, as was performed on us at community rituals. Thus she starved me, I am having memories of her burning me with cigarettes, and she did something that made me run and hide in a tunnel somewhere. Now, that last one is interesting, because all my life, I have had anxiety dreams, in which I try to run away through a tunnel which gets smaller and smaller--I think I may have been in a cabinet. Something really serious happened to make me run away. I ask myself, "did my mother shapeshift into a reptile?". Now a lot of times, shapeshifting happens in the interdimensional realm with only a little bleedover into 3D reality. However, as a young child, I would have been very present to interdimensional reality. Even if it was only the aura of my mother which shapeshifted, as a toddler, I would have seen that, and I am certain that it would have terrified me.

So, as you can see, there is major emotional fallout in my life right now, and the KaBal knows it, and that is how they are flipping me, even though less and less successfully. Yesterday afternoon, somehow the KaBal, specifically the lliance between the Faction 1 (ItalianVatican) and Faction 2/3 Amon RA cliques regained power. Although I cannot be certain, they may have cracked frequency codes which the Patriots use to communicate, or control the electrical grid which surrounds the Earth. That grid may be necessary, but it can also be used to imprison and punish, and with such frequency codes, the KaBal is able to hold the entire planet hostage. They also were able to track and target the plane that I helped to save.

Once they had the frequency codes, they moved to flip me. Now here is the thing--they know so much about me, because my mother has been cooperating with them from the beginning. Those Amon-RA types are meticulous scientists. Even if records are not somewhere, there is no doubt that my mother told them everything she could possibly remember. Thus, they have access to all of these terribly traumatic memories, and they can implant images and suggestions in my head, in the dream or waking state, that sets them off, and once those buried memories are touched, my own childish fears and dependencies resurrect, and I become the docile, traumatized little girl child again, the reptile "princess", the mind-controlled female slave.

Now to be fair, and as a piece of advice for all Patriots who access my psyche, sometimes, LEGITIMATE fears will cause a heaviness on my psyche or soul, which may manifest as neurotic fears. I think my deep unconscious was trying to tell me yesterday morning that something bad was about to happen, but I got hooked into my own interpretation of what was happening, rather than allowing myself to be completely clear.

I MUST work on my negative mother's issues, because they are impacting me in a huge way, acting as the flip switch, and harming my authentic relationships here in the present. Last night or the night before I think I may have shown another sex video of PF as a sex slave. The bastards do it just to mess with my head. I also think I may be spouting off in a hurtful way to other female allies, supporters, and friends. None of this I can fully remember--I just get teasing glimpses of memories. So, if I have hurt anyone, I do apologize. I am going to write a letter to my Mom, in hopes of exorcising all of these deep rooted traumas and emotional ambivalence. Basically, I am going to cut all ties to her, until such time as I am fully free to relate to her. As long as I am ensnared in the MATRIX, she has the upper hand, because she has interdimensional power and support from her KaBal, Amon-RA cult. I hope one day to reconcile with her, but honestly I have my doubts. All I can say is that I have had some hellacious incarnations, and there is always hope for conversion and redemption.

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