My days are getting stranger and stranger. I realized some time ago that I am a "ghost in the MACHINE" in my conscious life. My physical body is comatose in a hospital somewhere, and I feel my strength ebbing away every day, while I give everything I have to an interdimensional realm which continues to play games with, and reject me. I need to be with my lover and children. My oldest children are becoming teenagers and I have practically no recall of them.
It seems that I have been on the front lines of a war that I barely understand for over ten years now, and I am tired of it all. I need a support structure to provide some kind of continuity of normalcy and stability, I need a family life, I need someone to talk to about my crazy days. Clearly, I am no longer a 3D resident. Even if I were to wake up in the hospital tomorrow, I will never again fully belong to the 3D Earth. I just know too much, and all my accomplishments, creativity, and love, are in the interdimensional realm.
On a day like today, following a day like yesterday, when the MATRIX is all scrambled, and I am flipping from one MATRIX reality to another, and I can't even get my bearings in one place, before an interdimensional switch places me in another, I so long for intimacy and companionship.
It has been a long day, two days actually, and I am exhausted, so I am going to just briefly sketch out what has happened from my perspective. Two days ago, I chose to leave Mars, though I am not sure why. Was it to free me to do what needed to be done, or was it because my guilt and difficulty in interpersonal relationships needed space? I don't know, but leaving Mars, and boarding some spacecraft which maintained orbit, left me wide open to predatory abduction, and that is what happened.
Then the action started. On Thursday, I identified and help lead the attack on the HAARP facilities that Faction 2/3 were using. On Friday, somehow, I got back to the Mars planet. How I did that, I do not know. I assume that I turned my own body into a mini-wormhole and returned across time and space. Now, the interesting thing about that return is that, again, it happened while I was engaged in regular every day shopping activities. It's too bad I don't have time for such pursuits, but it would be fun to write a short story about traveling to Mars from the Walmart parking lot. That is where it happened, or while I was driving.
Now, how I can willfully direct interdimensional travel when I am largely unconscious--even while "awake", but cannot do so when I try so hard, I don't know. All I know is that the effort really drained me, though I recuperated soon enough. Apparently, I built a replica of a bridge to celebrate my success--in short, I am developing interdimensional skills like creating and arranging matter from nothing.
However, the following morning, today, was a new day, and I knew when I woke up that I felt different. I woke up, feeling very cerebral, feeling aloof and distant from my emotions. I think the food I ate the day before had been laced with some reptilian virus--thanks to my partner in crime, PF, who was trying to help me to get a dimension where I could help identify the source of evil alien power. I couldn't tell you what happened today. Maybe I translocated again, for at some point, I felt like I came out of lost time, and saw my neclace from PF hanging on a door knob. Now, I rarely take that off, and certainly not when I go to sleep or do meditation. It has strong, positive power and love attached to it, and I always make sure I am wearing it, when I am going into possible danger--which is about every time I go to sleep.
Now, I already felt very strongly that I was stalked by danger, because of images that had come to me, during my morning meditation. From the image, I knew that the Italians, white supremacists, Freemasons, Federal Reserve (faction 1) and the evil
Jellyfish aliens, and their associates, the Greys were all conspired to bring me down and make one great last push to regain control of the Earth MATRIX. A little bit of research led me to believe that the planet Cepheus and perhaps, Cassiopeia were the home base. Then, I went to fitful sleep for a couple of hours. I believe that more battles were fought. All I know was that once again, I was exhausted. All the food in my house was contaminated with a virus that took me to the dimension of the Amon-RA/jellyfish planet, so I had to go shopping.
During my dreams, I also saw my young Black daughter and knew that she was very ill. I think she may have cystic fibrosis, which I now know that I have as well. That is the source of all my digestive problems and protein/vitamin deficiencies. Now, I never had cystic fibrosis, before I got this virus in me. However, I have known for a long time that the female hormones associated with the download are what causes the yucky mucous tsunami in my mouth and throat. People think I am being disrespectful because I spit all the time, when I am in that state, but it is just that I cannot stand that fibrous saliva in my mouth and it clogs up my throat, making it hard to swallow. Now this is a serious condition, and my lungs have never been right, since my chest cavity was diminished, but rather I suffer from constant asthmatic pain. I purposely ignore it, because I tell myself it is a short term pain to give me the goal I really, desperately want and desire--to be in a male's body. However, I know there is no way that my body can survive with this female hormonal configuration in an interdimensional state (remember, I never had a female hormonal configuration in my life--it is another artifical restraint imposed upon me by dumbasses who refuse to accept me for who I am).
Even before I started to research it, which confirmed it for me, I knew that estrogen was the reason for the fibrous mucous discharge--cystic fibrosis. I can operate just fine without high estrogen--as a matter of fact, I feel so much better, alive and joyful, without it. However, my daughter has no such easy out. She is a female, and must learn to tolerate high levels of estrogen in her body. So of course, seeing that in my dreams only increases my yearning to be with her and my family, as a CONSCIOUS, FULLY FUNCTIONAL MAN. I keep hearing ads for Father's day, and I feel like an inmate in a penitentiary, guilt-ridden and sad, because my own "failings" keep me from being with my children, who need to know their father, as surely as I need to be with them.
So, it has been a tiring, full, and emotional day, and I haven't even touched on the really heavy duty emotional undercurrents in my life right now. Who knows? Maybe tomorrow, but then again, maybe I will be slogging it out in front-line combat tomorrow. It really sucks--I am a fighting soldier for Earth and Mars, and I don't get barely any respect, regard, or support from the people for whom I fight. I am starting to feel tapped out again, a feeling that was overwhelming before I met PF. She eased the burden greatly, but the strain of these cliques and people coming between us, is once again, increasing my anxiety and stress levels sky high.