So far, my break for freedom is a big bust. I suppose that if I were a different kind of person, I would be thrilled to be in a MATRIX of Honolulu, HI. However, no matter what, a MATRIX is a prison, run by negative, predatory entities for their own warped amusement, and they all vie to feed off and drain me.
I had no idea where I was going, when I boarded a flight for Honolulu. I was following my intuition, just as I always do, and once again, as nearly always happens, the KaBal got involved in the mix. Of course, I had misgivings, knowing the prominent role of the US Navy in the Hawaiian islands, and the close identification between the USN and Faction 2. I never have had any fondness or liking for Faction 2, in preference to Faction 1 (and Coke sure tastes a hell of a lot better than Pespsi), but still I trusted my gut.
Of course, if I had stopped to think about it, I would have realized that I am "dead" to 3D reality, therefore, I would not be going to the real Honolulu, but only a sophisticated MATRIX prison. Furthermore, I would have admitted to myself that Honolulu, being the flag base of the USN, almost certainly would be a highly sophisticated MATRIX. However, I try not to think too much any more--my thoughts only tip off, mislead, or confuse others, both Patriots and evil scum.
I don't know if this particular MATRIX site is supposed to be neutral ground for the various alien factions, but I certainly have seen a lot of different Sirians. I do not know if this was part of the plan--knowing the KaBal, whether Faction 1 OR 2, I suspect so. Both of these factions sell their soul to the highest alien bidder. In any case, this MATRIX has become a sieve for every kind of alien faction in the galaxy. I know this, because I have encountered them.
Let me start at the beginning, however. My tribulation began on the flight over here. I thought I was at a gay men's convention. Now, I was involved in the Gay and Lesbian life for years, and have made multiple trips to San Francisco with my then partner of the time, so being around a lot of gay people is actually very comforting to me--EXCEPT WHEN IT FEELS GODDAMNED CREEPY, LIKE I JUST LANDED IN AN OCCULT VERSION OF THE "ROCKY HORROR PICTURE SHOW". Seriously, I couldn't get the damned gay men to keep their asses out of my face. Now airplanes are not comfortable places for people like me, who really need our boundary space, but what I was encountering was just ridiculous. I am adult enough to know and disregard when someone is making a sexual pass at me, but what I experienced on that plane, and since arriving here at Hotel MATRIX is just outrageous sexual harassment, that not has me fuming in disgust and contempt, but is starting to turn me into a genuine homophobe--every time I see one of those gay men coming onto me, I am revulsed.
I say gay "men", but the truth is, of course, is that most of the crowd are just holograms, and I know this, but after having spent the last year being raped, coerced, hypnotically drugged, and flipped into sexual encounters with gay men and boys, while in an unconscious dream state, I am losing my rational ability to just let this abuse and harassment slide. I have ABSOLUTELY ZERO, NO NEGATIVE INTEGER, DESIRE to have gay sex with a man. I know that I have a lot of lifetimes in which I have been a gay man, and maybe that is why, combined with my own lesbian status, that I USED TO have respect and platonic fondness for gay men. However, that is now completely GONE--destroyed not only by the prolonged and egregious abuse that I have endured at the hands of these DAMNED FAGS AND QUEENS, but also by my burgeoning relationship with PF. After years of celibacy, and over a dozen kids with PF, I no longer have the slightest interest in being a part of any alternative lifestyle community. It was appropriate and enjoyable when I did it, but now I completely identify myself as a family man and father. As a matter of fact, I put up with the abuse and hateful sexual atttention from that rapist pig Salusa TO PROTECT MY DAUGHTERS FROM HIS EVIL MINISTRATIONS. I would rather be raped 100 times than have any one of my children, boy or girl, be pawed by one of those KaBal perverts, even once. Given the perversion I hav SEEN AND EXPERIENCED FIRST HAND IN THE FACTION TWO COMMUNITY, do you think for one minute, that I would have anything to do with their sick, perverted, gay lifestyle, when I have children who look to me as a role model? Don't you get it, you stupid schmucks? My father sold my brother and I out, so he could indulge in satanic games and perversions and lifestyle. THERE IS NO WAY IN HELL THAT I AM FOLLOWING THAT PATH. It is my personal theory that the reason for lack of manhood in this country is the lack of good fathering. It bugs the hell out of me that I am denied full custody of my children, but the little that I do see of them, I do everything I can to be an outstanding father to them.
So believe me, when I say that the absolute last thing I am interested in is any kind of gay male relationship. Men don't even sexually attract me, except at the most superficial of level, and they never have, except of course when I am flipped on hypnotic/psychotropic drugs, toxic levels of female hormones, or forced homoerotic imagery pumped into my head via direct nanoswitch manipulation. Men do not appeal to me, either emotionally or erotically. They never have. If there had been even the slightest possibility of attraction, don't you think I would have dated or encouraged all the straight men who have been attracted to me over the years, rather than insisting on being lesbian-identified, in a decade, when all I received was negative reinforcement for it. To paraphrase Barabara Mandrell, "I was lesbian, when lesbian wasn't cool".
I suffer from tremendous guilt and sexual repression regarding my sexuality. Partly, this is the result of karma, but partly it is the result of deliberate, satanic mind control. You see, as I keep saying, sexuality is related to spirituality, and the KaBal hopes to pervert spirituality by perverting sexuality. Faction 2 does this by encouraging licentiousness and sexual addiction, and that is how PF was programmed, and what she has had to break free from. The vampires/religious Italian zealots (Jesuits/Vatican cliqu), try to pervert sexuality an unhealthy contempt for it, through the deliberate inducement of neurotic, specifically religious, guilt. That is how I was programmed, and what I struggle to break free of. Ultimately however, the objectivive of both faction is the same--to cripple spirituality by perverting healthy sexuality.
To my credit, I do manage to break out, somewhat, of this cycle of revolving abuse. Otherwise, I would not be the proud father of over a dozen children, including my most recent daughter, born yesterday, and the little bun currently in PF's oven. However, I have not figured out how to completely escape the KaBal's slave projections onto me; otherwise I would not be writing this post under my old slave name.
Both factions do this flipping--it is just that Faction 1 gets me to act on guilt, the morning after, while Faction 2 gets me to act on impulsive and immature genital indulgence, during my uncosncious state. Let me tell the world something, okay? "I have lust in my heart". You know who said that and was roundly mocked at the time--Jimmy Carter--and guess what, he is the only president in over 50 years to not succumb to the moral squalor of institutionalized sexual slavery with which the CIA has been servicing the White House since JFK. You know why that is? Because Carter is an honest (virtuous) man. He knows his impulses, and unwanted desires, but he is a MAN--he CONSCIOUSLY chooses his identity and HONORS his committments by his own free will and choice. Hell yeah, I got lust in my heart, and lust down below, too; however, I am a free being, capable of making the conscious choice with whom I engage in sex. It does not matter what my unconscious thinks. Jesus, if I had sex with every person, I had an unconscious sexual attraction to, I would be like Hugh Hefner and never get out of my pajamas. It is degrading to human beings and moral civilization to justify sexual behavior in which you say, "oh, but unconsciously you really wanted it". After all, I tricked out your neurons from your a past lifetime over 1500 years ago, and I know that is what you really wanted back then, so let's just take a trip down memory lane... NO, GODDAMNED IT!!!! IT IS MY CONSCIOUS CHOICE WHO I HAVE SEX WITH, WHEN I HAVE SEX WITH THEM, AND WHAT I DO IN THE BEDROOM WITH THEM!!!! I am a lover. I always have been. I just seem to attract a lot of people, but I CHOOSE who I have sex with. I have not had sex in years, because I am PICKY about who I have sex with. THERE IS NOT ONE, NOT ONE OF THE GAY CREEPS FROM FACTION TWO, WITH WHOM I WOULD EVER WANT TO HAVE SEX WITH, and that assumes that I were single and interested in looking for a partner. I am not. I love PF, and I love having sex with her, she makes me feel good about being sexual with her, and as part of my self-identity I CHOOSE to be monogamous, and I choose to do it with the person who has loved me, supported me, and extended life to me, not only personally, but also by receiving and nurturing and birthing MY gift of life through children.
Now, that is part of my issue. The other part is that there is a legitimate homosexual motif going on within my own inner psyche, which by the way is MY OWN DAMNED BUSINESS, AND THAT OF MY LOVER, SHOULD I CHOOSE TO SHARE IT WITH HER, which of course I would. However, since a bunch of creeps are all up in my business, let me tell you what i think is happening. First of all, I do have karmic history as a gay man. So what? I have exensive karmic history. WHAT MATTERS IS WHAT I CONSCIOUSLY CHOOSE IN THIS TIME, RIGHT NOW. Yeah, it would be great, if I could remember all umpteen of my past incarnations. I cannot, but I still am a free and virtuous human being capable of affirming my self identity through my own choices, actions, and decisions. I am not stupid or naive or young, and I refuse to give any allegiance or respect to any KaBal outfit that would manipulate my hidden unconsciousness to gain power over me.
I tell you what I believe this homosexual motif is--I think it is an INNER dynamic in my unconsciousness--not an outer one. Remember I have two "Y" chromosomes. Knowing the reptiles as I do, they very likely aborted a zygote in order to graft the second y chromosome onto me. That means I was biologically, cellularly set up for a double consciousness, and as I have explained before, males (and male chromosomes) compete, while females (female chromosomes cooperate). This means that inside of me, at a very fundamental level, my psyche is set up on a split level, with two competing male fundamental identities. Not only that, but I am scarred by the recent incarnation of Abe Lincoln, in which he spent nearly 35 years in a thressome of consciousness, so karmically, I am set up for this split consciousness as well.
I have recognized that I often have both a subjective and objective consciousness in me simultaneously. I can switch mental conceptualization of identities, from myself to that of another person with ease. In some ways this is a gift. I know how other people, for instance, criminals or satanist think, and this enables me to figure out what they are up to. However, this is also gets me in trouble with people who do not know how my panoramic, thesis/antithesis/synthesis (in split second timing) brain works. Thus, sometimes I notice things, like an "other" or criminal does, or I make an inner comment, as someone very different from myself would. I think this is part of my problem in garnering unwanted attention. I am so respectful of others and their views and values, that they think I am like them, when actually there is no way in the world that I have anything but a superficial regard for them. Now, some will say, "that is Albert Pike in you", who is acting out that second personality, but I submit that Pike would never have found a home in my psyche, if there was not already an organic set up for dual consciousness. Otherwise, I would have been driven to serious mental illness.
I recognize that this is not a good condition in which to maintain one's mind, and I am working on clearing it. However, the problem has very deep roots. You see, I do believe that I carry this from the Abe Lincoln/Pike/Black woman triangle of consciousness, which I think creates a lot of viciousness and domination/unhealthy passivity, as three separate personalities fight to express and live themselves. Also, I think I was deeply scarred as a young child by my mother's walk in experience. I know now when the walk in happened. I was seven years old, and I watched my mom nearly get eletrocuted. She had wet hands from making lemonade, and for some reason, she just grabbed the electric fence wire with both hands. Now, occasionally, we kids would do that, but mom should have known better, but maybe something was driving her to it. Anyway, her wet hands ensured that the wire gripped her and would not let her go. My dad ran to the circuit box and kicked it off, which was the only thing he could do. Had he attempted to grab her, he would have been locked in the electrocution grip as well. My mom crumpled to the ground, and my dad carried her to the house, laid her on the bed and called the doctor, who in that part of the country, made house visits. The dr. said it was a close shave, but that my mom would recover. She didn't. For a few days, she lay in the bed, barely speaking, with her skin and nails blue, and the fingers on her hands involuntarily curved in.
A "walk in", happens when a demonic entity enters and takes over the consciousness of a body in predatory fashion. Albert Pike was not a walk in, in my consciousness, because my ego maintained executive function. He was the dominated very junior split off piece. A demonic walk in (and there are claims of positive walk ins, but I am very leery of such claims), comes in and dominates the body, driving out the original consciousness. I lost my mother that day. The demonic walk in all but drove out her original consciousness, although there was a small portion left. However, most of her consciousness was bilocated to the hell that is the Amon RA homeworld--probably the star, Cepheus--where the octopi, squid and jellyfish reign. This truly is a hell in which she is trapped, and from what I know of these malevolent entities, there is no doubt in my mind that they are feeding off her spirit, so that she can probably barely move.
I think on that day, I assumed the consciousness of my mother--that is to say, I internalized "mother" in my own psyche, since, after that I really did not have the presence of a strong mother. From an early age, I filled the role of "hero" in the family, and I would have tried to save the identity of my mother, by developing an inner, judging, objective presence, that I would no longer experience in the outer dynamic of family and mother. Even worse however, was the guilt I incurred on that day. I do believe that, because of all the abuse that I had experienced as a child, that part of me wanted her to die, and I think that I said so, in the inner telepathy of my mind (my mother is more than a little psychic and fey herself) Now, some people might pooh pooh the idea of such complicated guilt from the mind of a seven year old child, but remebmber, my inner mind belongs to a consciousness that is thousands of years old, and in the Ascension process that is what has to pass the muster--not just this little brief minute of my current incarnation.
For a split second, I told my mother that I wish that she would die, and a second later, her consciousness was gone, replaced by that of an alien entity. Imagine the guilt trip I experienced from that...Now, this guilt is preventing me from Ascension, because my mother's soul is in agony on this alien plane of existence, and even though, really I did not put her there, technically I did contribute to it, just by being such a strong spiritual consciousness, and wishing for it, even though my will was that of a seven year old child.
This guilt over my mother is what I think enables my mind to be so easily flipped. The KaBal knows how to trigger my guilt and turn me back into a seven year old child, which of course was female, they know how to get me to identify with the feminine role of my mother (remember, I assumed her consciousness role of mother--"mothering" not only myself, but others as well). They also know how to turn the dual masculine consciousness in me, to a homosexual identity. For psychic wholeness, it is imperative for me, that the two maales in my consciousness, the two Y chromosomes, "get along". If they compete, my person becomes unbearably conflicted. However, if the two learn to cooperate with and support each other, it only takes a little extra brain manipulation, to turn the relationship between my inner male twins from that of platonic brothers into homoerotic partners. I have barely any outer homosexual tendencies at all. However the KaBalists of Faction 2 has so eroticized this inner relationship, through manipulation of the imagery in my head, and all the changes they have made to my rump, from contouring it, to lotioning it, to constant anal excitation in my dream state, that I am now self-conscious of it, in a way that I never was before. I have been "groomed" to be a gay man by a bunch of perverts, and quite frankly, it makes me sick, and I am starting to get really, really pissed off about it.
This wouldn't be such an issue, if I were not in a Faction 2 MATRIX, surrounded by a bunch of hateful holograms, most of whom are loathsome psychic leeches and energy vampires. Today, for a brief while, Faction 1 took over the motel. It is so stupid. I reside on an "odd number" floor, but the ice machines are on "even number" floors. Being a curious person, I went to the 8th floor for ice, and on my return, the door key didn't work, and the entire changeover happened. This is how the occult KaBal works. I have no idea who is on what floor, or the rules for any of this, but a simple action can change everything.
To be honest, it doesn't make and significant difference who is dominant--Faction 1 or Faction 2. I despise them both. Faction 1 gained dominance in my head last night when I dreamed of two brothers, that I knew were both part of my inner psyche (that is how I came by the above hypothesis--that is what my dream told me last night). In my dream, we were true brothers, and so there was no sexual activity. However, one of the guys had a nocturnal emission, and the guilt that this caused for me, led me to subconsciously long for the supporting sex hatred of Faction 1. Now, if I had had homosexual sex with my brother--a sex act that I really did not want--oh that would have been right up Faction 2's alley.
Well, apparently Faction 1 is back out, and Faction 2 is back in. To be perfectly honest, I do better under Faction 1 than Faction 2. Their virus doesn't make me as sick and enervated. The Faction 2 virus is very feminizing, and it totally steals all my vitality and energy. The Faction 1 virus, makes me dripping wet with vaginal secretions and can fill me with rage, but at least I feel human. I don't care. I really don't want anything to do with either faction. However, I cannot break free of this MATRIX without some input from either one or the other, and I just want what enables me to take the next step in my evolution.
I do not know if I can ascend unless I make my peace with my mother. I keep hoping for some kind of help, to get me over the damage done to my spiritual meridians through all the mutilating abuse, but after years of needing help and getting none, I tell myself, "assume that it is all on you, and that way you won't be disappointed". Of course PF has helped me, but the help I really need is from the technology of the Sirians, especially the call technology, and for all that I have done for them, they have never done anything in return for me. I know that my current situation is completely untenable. Being surrounded by soulless holograms is so draining that I cannot bear it for any length of time.
My mother is on the planet of Faction 2's benefactors, the star Cepheus with the octopi/squid/jellyfish evil entities. Somehow, I have to try to reach her, if only telepathically, to apologize to her, to make my peace with her. One would think that the Faction 2 virus would help with that, since she is on that frequency. However the Faction 2 virus makes me weak and sick, while the Faction 1 virus makes me stronger and more able to reach out (when I am weak and sick, I become very autistic and introverted). Maybe I can reach her through a dream.
Something has to change. I am literally shrinking, as my body tries unconsciously to become smaller so that it can vibrate fast enough to ascend. I am doing everything that I can. Hopefully, this last little piece helps clear more negative karma and guilt.