I continue to long for death.

I continue to long for death. I tried to commit suicide this morning, but they changed the matrix on me--made the shore all rocky. Woke up very sick and low energy--being force fed estrogen again. Actually, it started yesterday. The Black psychic community WHICH IS THE ONLY INTERDIMENSIONAL COMMUNNITY I WANT TO BELONG TO AND I IDENTIFY WITH, was trying to rescue me from this MATRIX hell. I had spent all day coughing up evil Amon RA slug parasites--the ones which interface you to the MACCHINE and drive people crazy. I figure I got out over 2000 of them--that is a staggering amount. Needless to say I feel a lot better. I found i had the energy to do a down dog and could actually cross my legs for the first time in months. However, i am not here for my physical health. i am here to ascend and I failed, or rather ONCE AGAIN, THE KABAL CHEATED, IGNORED MY EXPRESS DESIRE, and prevented me. Nothing new--the reason i ended up with over 2000 parasites in me was because they IGNORED MY EXPRESS WISHES in my dream state for over two years, after the stupidass Nazi, White sons of bitches made my life helll for over six years in this neverending sick perverted desire to turn me into a female spiritual teat for them. Unfortunately, I am still not free.

Now, I have not been on any high levels of testosterone, but still have been very weak and sick with way less than optimal levels, but still I had to give the purging my best go, and I was moving along pretty good. The KaBal has placed parasites in my chest, and I was punching my breast and boobs to try to dislodge the parasites. Punching my chest made me feel good, MADE ME FEEL ALIVE, MADE ME FEEL HUMAN, MADE ME FEEL IN SYNCH WITH MY INNER, TRUE BEING, MADE ME FEEL LIKE A MAN. However, the GODDAMNED DOG SIRIANS, who were monitoring everything to make sure that I do not ever be fulfilled as a human being, but be their goddamned Isis teat for centuries, flipped an implant switch in my brain, and flooded me with an estrogen blast. Well, I almost immediately passed out. HIGH LEVELS OF ESTROGEN IS TOXIC TO MY SYSTEM. I AM A MAN. I NEED HIGH LEVELS OF TESTOSTERONE TO FUNCTION.

However the estrogen blast filled its function. I immediately lost all energy, and thus, all ability to work with the ascension process. This was not a near death experience for me. Unfortunately, ever since these fucking goddamned dog Sirians have been force feeding me estrogen, this has become very commonplace for me. I call it a total blood sugar crash, because eating helps mitigate the total near biological and neurological shutdown. Probably because the act of eating releases hormones--and thus gets my body to release the testosterone it so desperately needs to function.

Well, after 15 minutes or so, I could move again, but the window of opportunity of ascenscion was over. I tried to get up and continue with the purging, but my energy levels were so low, that I literally could not cough up the bugs. I tried for a couple of hours, then went to bed, praying to God for grace and strength. I felt my prayers were answered. Actually, I had felt that way earlier, when I was in near biological shutdown (not biological death--biological SHUTDOWN--where the body shuts down to avoid death--yeah, YOU MOPTHERFUCKING DOG PIG SIRIANS, THAT IS WHAT ESTROGEN DOES TO ME--BUT ALL THE BETTER FOR YOU TO LATCH ON TO MOMMY TIT, YOU FUCKING PIECES OF SHIT).

In the shutdown, I had a visual memory of what I always see, when I am so sick and miserable that my body shuts down. I had surgery when I was a teen and woke up in the ICU coughing up blood in a tube. I thought something had gone wrong and that I was dying. I pounded for a nurse, and a beautiful blonde young woman with lovely hands and a big rock and wedding ring on a finger came and held my hand, and instantly I felt a surge of agapic love go through me, and it revived me. Now, this is pure anima figure here.