Pure anima figure--continuing previous post--this public internet connections prevent a smooth ending, which to mention it, is kind of a metaphor for my life.
Anyway, I was talking about the anima figure of the pretty nurse who held my hand as a teenager when I thought I was dying. From a very early age, I was sexually attracted to women. I can remember being under 5 years old, swimming in the Great Lakes, and being completely awestruck by the incredible body of a female lifeguard. Strong, athletic, muscular, but all female...So, by this time, I knew that I was exclusively sexually attracted to women, but I didn't really deal with my sexuality consciously. Still, the most important thing about this woman was her wedding ring, because it reassured me that I could rest and accept her love, and appreciate her sexuality and the energetic boost it gave me, without guilt.
You see, that is the whole point of an anima figure for a man--they need to be a symbol of the eternal, of the Divine Feminine and thus, the unobtainable. A man's love interest may start out as an anima figure--as a matter of fact, mine always has, but once personal relationship begins, the purity of the anima sheen on the beloved begins to wane, but to take its place is a much deeper, much more grounded, much more real love. Mortals are not meant to spend all their time in exclusive relationship with the symbols or reality of the eternal. Rather, they are to find the eternal in the relationships in their level of existence. That is why it is IMPERATIVE that men move beyond a relationship with the feminine, through a real woman, and mature beyond a fixation on the anima.
Now, as I keep saying, every single KaBalist who wants me to be a female, is an immature boy, focused on a desire for anima. "IT AIN'T ME BABE, NO NO NO, IT AIN'T ME BABE, IT AIN'T ME YOU ARE LOOKING FOR, BABE." There's nothing wrong with being an immature boy. I was one at 5 years old, when I couldn't take my eyes off the lady lifeguard. I was one at 15, when I was so desperately grateful for the touch and sexual presence of a beautiful, married (thank God) woman. So, when I am weak and sick (by the way, the estrogen doesn't make me female or feminine--it just makes me a very weak and very sick man), I draw on this memory. Does this mean anything at all about what women I like, or the fact that I drew on her memory, rather than PF's). Well, let me tell you, PF and I are past the anima projection stage--I think that happened the day that I was shellshocked to learn that I was the new father of four. There is nothing fantasy about a sexual relationship that makes a man a father. Nor does such a reality check do much to offer assurance and comfort to someone who has psychically reverted to the status of a infant, if not in utero, because they are so weak and sick, that their body is shutting down. In war, when men are dying on the battlefield, far from home, they cry out for mother. They know mother is not there, but that is what biological shutdown does to a man--turns him into a little toddler, wanting mommy. The only thing for me, is that as a toddler, I did not have my appropriate and natural self--identity mirrored back to me. My toddler identity is female. I grew out of that when I developed my own self identity and ego, which did not happen until I got that blast of testosterone that I so desperately need to feel human--12 or 13.
As an aside, I have never even preferred fair women--I have always liked dark women. I remember reading Ivanhoe, and telling the knight to give up the Anglo Saxon blonde and go for the mysterious Jewess, Rebecca. Every time I watch "High Noon", I cannot understand what Gary Cooper sees in the Grace Kelly character, when that hot, Mexican saloon woman, is so much better looking, and a much more fascinating character. So, yes, my anima figure may be a blonde lady--probably because of this encounter with the nurse, who comforted me when I reverted back to a toddler female state, weak and sick, but trust me, my taste in women, runs much deeper and usually a little darker.
Anyway, so much for the anima. I need some help from the Divine Feminine, the real power of the universe. I have done everything I could to fulfill my vocation, and yet, I continue to fall short. The estrogen blast left me so weak that, no doubt, I identified in my dreams as a female once again. The only dream that I can really remember having was seeing Dick Cheney and Gerald Ford merged into one person, evil ass sob's, and they were telling me, "we will not allow any Presidents". My interpretation of that dream is that the dog Sirian White Supremacists who were responsible for that estrogen blast, are running the interdimensional show up in the sky, and when they say, they do not want a "president", they mean that there will be no strong, autonomous, self-affirming, creative (spiritually AND reproductively) individuals as long as they can prevent it. I am sure Dick Cheney is the top dog in the KaBal faction--Jerry is probably a sidekick. I also think that statement referred to their attempts to either kill or politically destroy Hillary Clinton. They can't stand the thought of a real President--someone who answers to their conscience, God, and the good of their nation--a Patriot, in short. I see where DC was hit by major storms--no doubt to dislodge Hillary and intimidate the Patriots.
Well, get this you fucking evil ass bastard dogs--I will not serve you. You will not win. I actually have a space family that is from beyond this messed up, Sirian, dysfunctional and sold out solar system, and I am calling on my Pleiadian brothers and sisters to help me now--in any way possible. Death is perfectly acceptable. I also call on the good Dog Sirians. At one point, I saved a leader of the dog Sirians. I don't know who he is, but I saw him as a Celt, an Irish man with red hair and beard. I told him (in my dream), that I was glad that I had flipped him back from evil, because I did not want to go "it" (and I knew this meant finding a new home for the Sirians) alone. So, wherever you are, brother, I could use some help.
Just understand anybody who would help me--there are three essentials to my self-identity in the interdimensional realm. I am a man. I am a husband and father--and I am not leaving without PF and my children. I am Black. The Pleiadians are not only White, but they also have Black Pleiadians. THe Sirians are to be the founders of the Pleiadian race in the future--if they can ever get their act together, and start acting on principle and compassion, instead of this bullshit reptile/vampire law that they sold out to, millennia ago. Maybe I am a fallen angel, probably more by choice than by sin and failure, but I have accepted the lot of the fallen angel too--because I know what it is to be flipped, and then full lof regret and what I have done in the flipped state. It is time to restore the order of this quadrant of the univer. I need ot be in position to do so. I need my family, my manhood, myselfrespect