Sunday, May 29, 2011

Dream on a personal note

Dream on a personal note--I dreamed that I was being coerced into signing a contract by a square, traditional, "Catholic" couple. Basically, they were forcing me to be someone who I knew that I was not--a square Catholic like them. Specifically, I was to renounce lesbianism. They wanted me to move into a squalid, tiny little house with them. I was depressed as could be--at the thought of having to move into such an inhospitable place that did not fit my personality at all. Then fire alarms started sounding, and they ran to the back yard of the house they were trying to force me into. I started to run to, but not knowing the neighborhood, I was running in front of the fire depts. doors. They told me, "watch out or the fire trucks coming out will kill you." I moved with alacrity, and saw them huddled in the back yard while I could smell and see the smoky haze everwhere that obliterated the entire scene. The mountains are on fire, I thought. Only a forest fire could be that destructive.

I didn't look up a single image in the dream dictionary to interpret thsis dream. My above words WERE right. Once again, I am being coerced regarding my sexuality. Because reptiles come sidebusting in through sexual orgasm and immorality does NOT mean that I am going to give up my sexual being or my sexual identity as a lesbian. There is nothing immoral or immature about my lesbian sexuality. It is who I am. Yes, I am a deeply spiritual person, but I have nothing in common with the squalid, tiny little confining spirituality that traditional, institutional religions would coerce on me. However, there is a fire raging that is destroying natural, wild beauty, and there is nothing I can but get out of the way, or else I will get killed. In the meantime, the smog is oblitering my view of everything--it is creating a deliberate haze, but I would rather be outside than inside.

I refuse to be like the negative Sirians and/or "Vulcans" who have given up their sexuality in order to be spared the ravages of reptilian domination. There is one group of Sirians that is hypersexual (the tall Whites of Nevada) and agressive; the negative Sirians led by Salusa are HYPOsexual, and who knows, but if there piss poor attitude is caused by a lack of sexual expression. Both these extremes are wrong. The middle way is best, not only for me, but for the majority of humanity as well--at least for those who wish to experience fullness of humanity. It is possible to have a mature, Lesbian sexuality that is not IMMORAL, and that is who I am and what I aim for.

Mabe my post about Heather and Cynthia misled some people, since I revealed that they were closeted lovers. I did that for the purpose of assisting any law enforcement involved, because I knew that they were indeed partneers in crime. But of all the immoral occult relationsips I have viewed, both real and ficional drama, that is the ONLY homosexual one I have ever encountered. Occultists are overwhelmingly heterosexual. I don't see anyone being forced to sign a contract to give up heterosexual expression. This kind of response just feeds the same evil which leads to massive unhappiness and spiritual stunting. I see it in the Salusan contingent of negative Sirians. I won't fall into that trap, nor should anyone else. Being lesbian or gay is a very personal journey and decision, and one that is nor made lightly, nor should it be. I have always said that if I were a mother, and my child came to me and said "I think I am gay" that I would tell them that I support whatever they choose, but to give heterosexual relations a chance. I would advise that, not because I am homophobic (although I concede I have a little homophobia about me), but because I am basically a traditionalist, and would rather see my child live a life that situates them in the world with the least friction. It is not easy being gay or lesbian, and such a self-identity involves prejudice and constant hassle (look at what the misery I have endured, because people will not accept me as a lesbian). Nor do I pass judgment on who or who is not lesbian. That is an individual's decision, and response, and I respect and affirm the right of anyone to make it, however they choose to make and/or live it. But as I mentioned above, the world is in crisis right now, and all I can really do is get out of the way, or I will get run over. Meanwhile the surrounding natural beauty is destroyed and smoke covers everything. Meantime, I have to live with this hateful body that I am left with--in misery and in pain. But I know that I have nothing creative to offer anyone, as long as I live in a squalid, tiny hovel of heterosexual or celibate expectations. That is NOT who I am, but I just try to get through my days living in this miserable shell of a body that I despise, and in which I am in constant pain with these shoulders. But of course, people who would force their view of sex and spirit on others don't give a fig about my right to choose and affirm who I am. So yes, I will get out of the way of the fire trucks, but hell no, I won't be coerced into signing a celibate or heterosexual "ontract" for a bunch of narrow-minded prigs--that would make a mockery of every suffering I have endured, and ensure that I live a tiny, unfulfilled, constricted and half-dead life. "It ain't me, babe. No, no, no, it ain't me babe. It ain't me you are looking for". It is some figment of your imagination that you are looking for, and I don't play that game.

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