On top of all my hormonal suffering

On top of all my hormonal suffering, fucking goddamned sirian pigs have added risperdol to mix. or at least I think so. I am so fucked up, brain can't think. But i recognize the hateful autism, and just too fucking sick to care about anything feeling from before. spent most of the day in bed sleeping. Got up and watched a little tv. when watching tv is the biggest ambition on your agenda you know you are fucked. I am fucked. i am too sick to read anything. had books, projects, ideas all lined up. now i just want to be dead so i dont have to live in this fucked up body anymore. a lot of physical pain too. shoulders, muscles all spasmed. find it hard to walk, even inmy little house. just another lost day so fucking goddamned sirians and their stenchmen can try to get me to conform to their little iconic image of what A FUCKING SAINT SHOULD BE. FUCK YOU ASSHOLES. AND FUCK YOUR MOTHER, ISHTAR. I am a whole lot closer to understanding sirian thing, but too sick to be able to put it together or write about it, but i know you EVIL SONS OF BITCHES have been making life hell on earth for centruies now. You are as bad as the fucking reptiles, and God help free me from your evil influence. even now, no matter what, i will never be whole or healthy again. God i just want to feel like a human being again, like i have some physcial energy, a spiritual life instead of the drug and pain wracked hateful miserable body i am in.