Freudian slip on title of last post

Freudian slip on title of last post--it should read "Another ABDUCTION, mutilation, but it was an honest Freudian slip, since the latest mutilations are another deduction from my bodily being and health. You know, of all the mutilations done to me by the Plejaran-Sirians, this one of the hips bothered me the least--at least initially. I have always had very wide hips, and I have always hated that feature about myself--second only to my short height. Not only did I not like the look, and always envied women who had narrow hips, but the big hips also undermined my ability to run for long distances--something that bothered me for years, that is, when I was healthy enough to run. Because I think so much better when I am physically moving, I used to enjoy running, though I would only do it about once a week (on my weekends). I always had the stamina, energy, and desire to run long distances, but after a couple of miles, my knees would bother me. I went to a doctor who told me that there was nothing for it--that broad hipped women made poor long distance runners because the wide hips caused misalignment with the knees. Really pissed me off for a long time. As a matter of fact, I was pissed off about female for years. I wish to God that someone in my teens or early 20's would have discovered my hermaphroditic nature so that I could hold on to a hope of gender change. Instead, I worked for years to develop an acceptably feminine personality, just to end up fulfilling the most unfortunate role of female--to be abused by men who who want to control and own me, so that I meet their own immature and needy psychological demands of and projections on an anima woman. I saw a clip of Chaz Bono on Oprah, and he seemed so happy and centered in his masculine identity, so much happier than when he was a "she"--lesbian female. He talked about life being effortless and so much easier. I get it. I am so tired of struggling to live out a feminine persona, only to have a bunch of patriarchal pigs insist that it is not enough.

My feminine persona does allow for a wide range of emotional expression, that is more restricted in the socially acceptable masculine persona, but I am wondering if that wide range of emotional expression is now another casualty of the Plejaran-Sirian brain tweaking. If so, there is absolutely no incentive for me to struggle to be feminine, or fit in as a female. I am not pushing the panic button, however, for I cannot be sure what is causing my current emotional deadness. Am I on psychotropic drugs or is it the virus infecting my brain right hemisphere, inhibiting my ability to think in images. You see, their damned virus never worked on my left hemisphere--the Wernicke and Broca areas--like it does on most people, because my autism left that part of my brain undeveloped to the point of uselessness. As I have said over and over again, I learned to talk by having imaginary conversations with people, until I developed, at first, a limited but serviceable repertoire, and then by force of habit, and continual imaginary conversations with myself (driven primarily by images of course), a more natural ability to converse. In other words, I compensated with an over-development of my right brain in order to function as an autistic in the real world. The lithium really did damage to my ability to converse (not sure why or how, but it definitely had a serious, though not crippling impact), and now, either the right hemisphere virus, or some psychotropic drug is creating additional handicaps, to the point of barely functioning.

I know something biochemical is going on, because my stool, once again, has the clay like and sticky consistency that accompanies migraine headaches. As a matter of fact, I already have taken two fiornal this morning, before 8 am, just to be able to get up and function, but I definitely am still suffering from a "dry" migraine (all they symptomology, minus the pain and nausea--which I most definitely suffered all night long). As a matter of fact, I was in agony all night, with the ABSOLUTE WORST back pain of my life and migraines. You see, it does no good to have narrower hips, if it causes the kind of searing, nerve point, and spasmic back and hip and pelvic girdle pain that I endured last night. I ended up taking two Tylenol PM, first one half, and then a second half of vicodin just to get through the night, but I was going out of my mind with the pain. (Another indication my brain has changed--the vicodin gave me the euphoric high that it gives most people. I have never had an addictive personality since successfully breaking my alcohol dependance years ago, but I always wondered why so many people get addicted to vicodin. Although it has been a highly efficacious painkiller for me for years, it used to have no mood effect on me at all. It was like taking tylenol. NOW, I know the euphoric feeling that it gives most people for I experienced it last night, for the first time, myself. I still won't become addicted to it, because it is not the euphoria I remember most. It is the pain that accompanied it, for the vicodin, while ameliorating the severe pain that I was in last night, did not totally curtail it at all. Maybe I am going to need something stronger...) Even now, I am in pain in the lower sacral area and glute muscles--just have to live with it.

More distressing though, is the lack of emotional affect and lability. I am seriously autistic, but I wonder if I will ever get back my emotional range--which was was not manic depression, but was driven by my responsiveness to the facile imagery initiated by my right hemisphere. Without the benefit of a high emotional affect and lability, I am with Chaz regarding struggling to find a female persona--"the juice ain't worth the squeeze", especially now that it is warm weather, and I am sleeping in shorts, and constantly feeling my soft, muscleless legs. Very depressing to be in this body. But I keep plugging away. It is an extremely stressful time for all good people, and I know that, and if all I can do is my little bit of prayer, then that is what I will do.

PS--Let me not forget--this high estrogen is really impacting my ability to think. I keep going back and rereading my post because not only am I making routine spelling and grammar areas, I am not able to think and write optimally the first time (as is usual for me), but instead keep thinking of things to add to express myself better. When I am healthy, I write optimally and high performance--I don't have to go back and add thoughts and phrases. Not healthy at all...