Sick all day

Sick all day--the "fallen" Sirian aliens have wired up my hormonal system so that testosterone output is matched by estrogen output. I suppose that is their way of making sure that their idealized feminine avatar doesn't become masculinized, as they seem to have finally accepted that my brain and body needs high levels of testosterone just to function. I only say that because I have been high testosterone all day. Unfortunately, I have also been high estrogen all day, as well, and the depression, crying jags, desire for sugar and hunger have made me miserable all day. But what is really making me SICK is the excessive mucous drainage that the excess estrogen causes. Constant snot in my mouth and throat, draining down to my lungs until now, my lungs hurt. I am afraid that I am going to get very sick soon.

Very soon (maybe even as soon as tomorrow) the goddamned negative Sirians who have totally destroyed my life and health, will be moving on to satanically greener pastures. Apparently, they will be taking a lot of deluded and brainwashed spiritual types with them. I won't be going. I intend to fight it with every bit of my weakened and sick body and brain that can. I would never want to accompany, live with, or serve the demons with 12 strand DNA that have caused the suffering and misery that not only has stolen years from my life, but which I will have to carry forever, for I know that I never will get my health and joy back. It makes me cry just to think of having to live in this hateful body, and messsed up, female-dominated hormonal system for another ten years, but it beats the alternative---living in a reality controlled by evil aliens.


Sadly, for me, I have gotten a really bad vibe over the last few days. I think that once again, I have been the supreme bargaining chip. I don't know what the change will cost me, but I doubt that I will get my freedom, my body (if any "good" alien technology could do it), or my life back. I suspect that the goddamned religionists are all lined up, forks in hand, ready to fast on the psychic and spiritual scraps of my soul/spirit that are left after the ravaging of the negative Sirians. Maybe I am just depressed because of too much estrogen. Maybe I have been unhappy and unfree for so long, I cannot even imagine being free.

I tell myself that my situation could be worse and think of Julianne McCredy, the mother who is jailed for murdering her 5 year old son, but which I more and more think was slated to be sacrificed at the Bush compound. I checked out location of the boy's found corpse--sure enough, just a few miles from Kennebunkport. Before a child is sacrificed, they often give him/her a strong, soporific seative, so the child is stupified when the horrible culmination takes place. I think the mother may have been told to give the boy the sedative, and either she took him away so that he could not be sacrificed, or he died prematurely (given the fact that his childhood brain was clearly atered by cranial manipulation and psychotropic drugs--check out his eyes--poor Camden probably did not respond to the sedative as expected....). I am just speculating of course, but one thing I do know--an innocent life has been murdered before he even had a chance to live, and his mother will have to live with the nightmarish memory and guilt of her son's suffering and death for the rest of her life. It will be small comfort to know that she was not the real murderer, and that she probably did everything she could to save the boy, because people of conscience and heart always blame themselves for what they could have done differently.

I have spent a long time wondering what I have done to suffer the hell that is my fate. Clearly, I have a powerful evil spirit in me that entered right after my conversion experience. Like attracts like--I have a powerful spirit so that I have both a powerful evil spirit and a powerful Holy spirit. However the Holy Spirit has had to retreat to a hiding place deep in the soul ever since the alien implants were put in me during my eye surgery. The implants literally make an overt prayer and spiritual life impossible. Still, I have kept the faith, but somehow I doubt that the viral implants will be removed (another bargaining chip deal?). Will I be able to work again? Have a lover? Hell, will I even be able to get a doctor or nutrition store to work with me to get the proper testosterone balance (T dominates--estrogen inferior, progesterone--practically nil) that I know my body needs to work efficiently. Even as I write this, I am aware that I do not have the level of energetic joy that my hermaphroditic self had. (I also am aware that my arms are going numb, as they always do, when I type--just another hardship that the goddamned mutilations left me with). Only thing I can think on to stop the tears is of Julianne and Cameron, and sorrow for all the good, deluded people who will be travelling with the negative Sirians to their "educational cubicles" where they will live a life of psychic and spiritual slavery.

I have done everything I can to dispel the lies and deception. I have fought as best I could for the truth, but ultimately, unlike the negative Sirians, I respect each individual's free will. They have manipulated, and lied, using advanced technology to steal into people's minds while they sleep, and in my case, have systematically destroyed my body against my free will, justifying it on grounds of communing with an evil spirit in my sleep. No, they have no respect for free will; to them, we are inferior beings to be used and consumed. I could tell you that respect for free will is an essential indication of a holy spiritual being, instead of an evil one, but I have been preaching this for years now, and one more night of the same old same old, isn't going to change anyone's mind.

I do want everyone to know that I take the same actions again. I am sorry that I live such a hateful, miserable life, but it is better that I suffer, than that countless of little Camerons and their mothers suffer. As for me, it is time to try to address my own personal suffering. I am suffering from serious nausea and migraine from the damned excessive female hormones. I've got pills--I intend to take them.