Saturday, March 31, 2012

Estrogen depression hitting me again

Estrogen depression hitting me again--I have spent all morning in tears, once again, wishing to commit suicide. I pop in 4 herbal testosterone tabs, and all of a sudden, I feel better. Not only do I feel better, but I think better. Just by re-reading my previous post, I can see how testosterone deprivation plays out in my writing. The last few posts have been really difficult for me to write. It is hard to concentrate, and I cannot hold a thought in my head for long, much less keep a mental thread throughout a lengthy post. The lack of paragraph breaks, though, is the fault of the blogger software upgrade, which I haven't yet figured out--GRRRRRR. The testosterone tabs also instantly cut my autism in more than half. I have been severely autistic the past couple or three of days--walking around with the brain tumor syndrome, unable to sit on my front porch and watch cars go by, or even watch TV--my brain just can't process the images. Since TV is the only diversion I have, I feel its loss. Still, four herbal T-tabs--and I need 20 X's that much of a testosterone boost--I am not exaggerating, made such an instant impact on my depressed, suicidal mood, and my autistic perception of reality, that I know, my brain is being severely starved of what it needs. I am willing to bet that if I were to get a man sized shot of testosterone, that the results would be amazing and immediate. PS--You know what? Testosterone enables me to eat and drink, too--I forced myself to eat a sausage and boiled egg, bite by bite this morning, but after four t-tabs, I can finally drink the apple cider vinegar i couldn't touch earlier, and am chowing down on a candy bar...and what is up with that? I don't eat candy bars, but now I crave them---probably craving sugar for energy. However, I think that powerful forces continue to deny, deny, deny what makes me happy, productive, and creative. How many people can create life? Did I pitch or did I catch? I am not a catcher--never have been and never will be, and when I have done it for the cause, it was a lie that filled me with disgust, and I have made it clear (and know that my wishes will be respected by those I trust) that I will not play the role of female again. Period. But I take responsibility for my decisions--I did what I had to do, to help save my family, my country, my world, at the time. But the time of selling out my manhood is ended. Unfortunately, some factions don't respect my self expression or self identity. That is okay. They are the same ones for whom I have a lack of regard. I suppose that the same ones who don't respect my conscious life keep hoping that they can trap me in the astral realm-maybe more drugs, maybe more estrogen, maybe castration of the penile stem tissue (which they did again!). They don't know me. They don't respect me. They don't care to. They just want to feed off my own frequency vibes, but I can only offer as a man, not a woman. I am a pitcher, not a catcher, and the depression that hits me when I am forced into the role of feminine and female should make the upcoming weeks very moody and interesting. It should also make for some pretty piss poor writing. Thankfully, the current event front is quiescent, because my brain is not able to watch TV and sift through levels of disinfo. However, I do have to admit that my brain seems to be moving a little faster than normal--not as fast as before the drugging, but still faster. I am not having to verbalize out all my thoughts to myself to self perceive and self grasp them. However, I also think this brain change (did they do something to my brain stem?) is what is making it difficult to eat. Food literally makes me sick, and that is when I can eat at all. I barely eat, but have to have a bowel movement two or three times a day (not much of one, admittedly). I am thinking that they have made my brain more autistic, and that my second brain, the neurotransmitters in the gut, are not able to pull off a "workaround" like my cerebral brain has trained itself to do, after years of autism. Oh well. I try to take things one step at a time. Right now, I have enough energy to do some chores, and I need to take advantage of that, before it goes away.

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