I am suffering from high anxiety, severe anxiety, and I am not sure why. Did writing about my sister the other day, bring up a lot of unresolved pain and guilt? Or maybe, I am just being drugged. Once again, I am suffering from candida, the gut flora imbalance. I can always tell by the taste in my mouth. I have barely been eating, because I have had terrible migraines with accompanying nausea, and distressingly acute sense of smell for five days. Nor have I been eating any sugar.
I try not to focus on how badly I feel--the planet is in crisis. A documentary that I watched online yesterday, revealed to me that two top media reporters and personalities were actually integral parts of the KaBal--this has me asking me asking, "how many more"?
Maybe all the anxiety I have been feeling is the reason why my dreams were so horrible last night. I dreamed that the Earth was bombarded by meteor fireballs, and over the North Pole/Arctic Circle some kind of bombardment looked like cascading, circular fireworks falling on the Earth. Everybody was just looking up at the sky, stunned. The good news of the dream was that it wasn't total annihilation as I feared. Yes, there was massive damage, but Earth survived. People had to move in with one another, and struggle to survive. I had to move back in with my mother. The meteorite damage had left the planet cooling off rapidly, with very little shelter, and there was no other option.
Still, I insisted on dressing as a man, pulling out men's shirt and a few ties, and grabbing a blanket, before heading for shelter.
The strangest thing about this dream was that I had no emotion whatsoever. In my dreams, I often have more emotion than I do in real life, but I watched the incoming destruction with total detachment. Strange. This detachment is reflected in my daily life as well. I am just feeling very alienated from people. I still feel--I can listen to music and feel, but it feels so overwhelming to try to connect with other people right now.
I'm not sure what is causing this. Am I suffering from an impending sense of doom, or am I just a wreck over my incapacity to relate to others? I don't know. The world is a crazy, crazy place right now, and I feel like I am falling behind the curve in adjusting to it. Still, I have my faith, and count on that to get me through this rough patch.