I am so sick that I would rather die than live.

I am so sick that I would rather die than live. It is 2 pm, and I have barely been able to even move from bed. i take 2 vicodin on top of tamazapam last nite but the severity of the migraine is worst i have ever experienced. yes i was cut on last nite. but i think lot of problem is fucking estrogen. my body wants to try to take testosterone to see if that help, but i havent eaten all day. nor for that matter could i eat last nite. im getting dehyrdreated cause i am tooo nauseated to drink water.

my post fromyesterday must have pushed buttons last nite--once again, alien entities attempted to splice me into the MACHINE by masquerading as PF. didn't work. the first time i was completely disconnected from any feeling of PF and told them (i know now there were two parties involved). then they literally got me drunk and acted drunk themselves. their charade didnt last long. i coould tell physical sensation was just moving against nothing--no spiritual connection whatsoever. so, as i suspected the alien faction patronizing me was trying to plug me into MACHINE.

only thing is there are no other choices. i guess some element of the dog sirians are willing to protect me form the MACHINE, but guess wehat? i ADONT TRUST THEM NOT TO BE PLUGGED IN EITHER. Furthermore, they are hung up on me being a woman, and that is not who i am, al thogh i will be a intersexed woman, as longas i get my body with it strong muscles and high masculine energy back AND can be in a lesbian relationship with PF. otherwise, i would rather suffer and die as soon as possible. after years of writing of how miserable i am with the forced changes on me, i would think people would get it. but they dont. this is the whole problem with sirians and the Fall of humanity. everybody wants to force and control people into being who they want instead of who they choose. every singl faction thinks its inferior, so it has to prove its superiority. BULLSHIT. learn to love yourself for who you are and accept people for who they are. bottom line. then maybe you will have a chance against reptiles and MACHINE. But me as some female avatar, will never get you there. It is not who I am, who I ever have, or who i could ever be comfortable playing. i have been insisting that for years now, despite all the mind control chicanery and even body mutilation and rape, that the MACHINE, and the so-called "advanced" humans have forced on me. I am a complex person with a long history, but what matters is who i choose to be right now. Why do I love PF? she seems to be the only one who accepts that. well, apparently i have lived and died many times. maybe next incarnation...