My anticipation was correct--last night was a hell night, with pain and sickness, and barely able to move. I woke up this morning with the distasteful smooth skin that I hate so fricking much--it tells me that yes, once again, the Faction 2 boy posse got their juvenile hands on my body and brain, and blasted me with female hormones. So, even though I have no memory, I can only guess that once again, I presented myself as a female, which is no doubt why I wake up feeling so icky and full of self-loathing. Actually, SELF-loathing is not the correct word, because I KNOW that I AM NOT A FEMALE, AND I HATE, HATE, HATE THE WAY I FEEL WHEN I AM FORCE FED FEMALE HORMONES.
No, the correct word is that I loathe the suns of bitches who keep force feeding me their goddamned juvenile, immature fantasies, hormonal poison, and chemical castration on me. However, I recognize that this a trap, too, because, as long as I endure this constant torture at the hands of these Faction 2 boys, I go into a psychological "siege" mentality, and relate to the world and others from a stifled, paranoid position of distrust.
In a dream last night, I was approached by the musical group "Heart", who wanted me to amplify their music, and I had the speakers to do it, but I didn't trust them. "Heart" of course, is a solidly talented rock band from the 1980's, and of course, I've listened to, and thoroughly appreciated their music for years. However, because I have become so paranoid I didn't trust the band, so I missed the opportunity to help them amplify their music. When I woke up, I realized that, I, who was such a generous and forgiving "lover" in my younger days, have allowed my "heart", my innate ability to love and express love, to be completely stifled by the abuse of loveless parasites, first the reptiles, then the Nazis, and now the fantasies of psychological juveniles.
However, I do recognize that this is all karmic, and I am positive that this boy posse clinging on to their fantasies of the "Big Mommy Teat", are actually reincarnations of the disciples who once followed Jesus. Peter was the only one of substantial maturity, and as I said in an earlier post, I think he "was never, ever with him" ( a line sung by Peter in "Jesus Christ, Superstar", after his denouncement of Jesus). Rather, Peter was a recruit and plant by the Essene community which was completely devoted to MACHINE-RA. I suspect that the bulk of the hard core disciples were just a band of carefree, free-spirited youths, looking to evade the responsibility of a life of marriage, family, and underpaid, hard work. Some, notably Judas Iscariot, but perhaps others, were hard-core revolutionaries, looking to start a revolution (against Rome). Ultimately however, they were uncommitted and untried idealistic youths, and they got caught up in an immature, psychological inflation of their own egos with that of the movement, and their charismatic, gifted leader. Imagine their disappointment when it all went sour.
The disciples bought so much into the lies of the MACHINE, that they, themselves, could not break away to follow Jesus, when he himself broke through the lies of the MACHINE's illusions, if not the consequences. Jesus did his best to pull the disciples from their misguided fantasies about reality, his own self-identity, and mission, but he could not. I think it fair to say, that the failure of the disciples to mature into reality, was a contributing factor to Jesus' ultimate failure of mission, and crucifixion.
Jesus must have known that as he hung in excruciating agony from the Cross, and it is always the betrayal of friends that hurts worse than that of the enemy. Yet, according to Scripture, he prayed, "Father, forgive them; they know not what they do", before expiring. This is one scripture that I must take to heart. I AM hanging on the Cross now, and have been for years, with a body broken and mutilated beyond recognition, while parasites circle around me, hoping for the spiritual death, that will allow them to feed upon me, without constraint. My natural and healthy nervous and energetic system is so disrupted and weakened by the constant chemical and hormonal castrations that I am too feeble to co-operate with any vigor, in my own spiritual ascension.
There is only one chance I have of freeing myself from this Cross, and that is, I have to forgive the people who have put me here. Otherwise, I stay in the besieged mentality, which closes off the heart, and trusts no one. That is the only prayer I can make right now. However, I must insist, that like Jesus, I cannot and will not co-operate in the evil and immaturity which has led to my crucifixion. I am not looking to save a bunch of boys from their own mother complexes. I am looking to enter into my own robust and self-affirmed MANHOOD. In the meantime, more past life revelations are coming up--maybe I will write on them, later, if I can get past the physical pain that I am in.