Recovering slowly

Recovering slowly, from a lost day, no, an even worse than lost day--a day in which I was in so much agony of pain and nausea, which I could not escape through sleep or Vicodin, that I longed for death. Today, I am able to survey the damage. Once again, my cranium has been lifted, and my eyes are so sunken that I don't even recognize them. Some painfully deep implant has been placed in the nearly exact middle of my brain's right hemisphere, and once more, I have lost major muscle along my torso, so that I am almost like a rigid stick, barely able to turn at all--which causes real problems on the toilet. I read my previous two posts and see that the quality of my writing has diminished greatly--it always does, when I am low testosterone and/or high energy, but I have gotten back my ability to feel, and let me tell you, THIS POST IS GOING TO VENT!!

I will start with my post on King David. Now I am rethinking my earlier supposition that the House of Benjamin are the antecedents of the Merovingians. I am thinking it more likely that Judah was Merovingian, and Benjamin was originally African Black--which would make David half Black, which of course, the racists Aryans would find unbearable, but the knowing and telling the truth is always preferable to keeping secrets and spreading lies. In that spirit, I am going to tell the truth of the despotic, even evil violation that myself and PF have experienced in the past couple of days.

As I stated earlier, after writing the post about David, I felt a telepathic call to engage PF--that means she wants to have an extended conversation with me, which may or may not lead to sex. Now, I am able to communicate telepathically with her, almost at will, but when I get this "call", it means she wants me to give her my full, undivided attention. It is difficult for me to engage in telepathic communication if the subject is beyond the elementary, so this single-minded conscious effort of attention on my part is necessary in order to understand any subject of importance or intimacy.

Anyway, in this case, I first picked up that somehow she was very sad and distressed about something, and that yes, she wanted sex. Now, I always have to be coaxed into having sex with an invisible partner, and I really was not ready for it, but what does any husband do, when he senses that his wife is in distress? He wants to comfort her, and so I began the process of getting over the self-conscious initial hump, but it was no good--I couldn't do it. I told her, "for some reason, I am not "connecting" with you--meaning that I couldn't feel her spiritual presence or energetic body. I wasn't sure why--I thought maybe my mind was too busy, with all the thoughts pinging back and forth after the earlier realization. I have a really hard time shutting off my mind, anyway. So, I told her, "maybe later tonight, when my mind is not so activity.

However, my mental cogitation still got us in a lot of trouble, because I was still wondering, even out loud, "Who is Jonathan?"--meaning, "who in my life, right now, filled the archetypal construct in the history of my unconsciousness. Now I have said it before, but I will say it again, that I don't accept the simplistic explanation of reincarnation, but there is some truth to it, some way, if only that the memories are somehow put in our unconscious minds by the MACHINE. But I do recognize that these archetypal memories of reincarnation DO IMPACT OUR PRESENT LIVES, and so I am always trying to figure out what "memories" (imparted mostly through dreams and intuitions) mean, and who is related to what.

Now, the David/Jonathan/Michal trio follows a pattern that I have already established regarding these archetypal memories. It is as though the MACHINE re-creates and encourages these intense twin souls, and then puts a third person, a "spoiler" in the mix. This probably does not happen with all human beings, but I think it is definitely manipulated into the unconsciousness of those chosen to be conceived and/or altered by alien experimentation, which is what happened with PF and I. So, this was on my mind when I asked, "who is Jonathan". Now, I know the personage of David very well through the scriptures. It was while reading the books of Samuel/Kings, and the story of David, that I had my great conversion experience when I was 19. However, I also know that I have been a gay, intersexed, and/or castrated man in other, prior incarnations, and so I still am not sure that I was not Jonathan. For that matter, it could have been another "third" personage, who has been significant in my emotional life, and my mind, being persistently curious, will not let go of this thought, until I am at least 98% satisfied that I have got it down perfectly correct.

However, I know for sure who is NOT Jonathan in my life--the immature, milk-calf, moon-eyed, pathetically needy boy who insists on having a childish crush on me. Obviously he has received enough feedback from me in the astral realm to keep up his fantasy delusions. Now I cannot be sure what happens in the astral realm, but I have now encountered this boy in a man's body, on three separate occasions, and I can assure you that any attention that I have given him in the astral realm, is that of solicitous concern for a helpless, dependent child, for that is what he is. I have tried to be gentle in my refutations, and then more harsh, but "Little Boy Lost", just hasn't gotten the message, and like immature boys in men's bodies sometimes do, he has crossed the line from immature obsession to sexual predation and violence, and he has hurt both myself and PF, and any feels of pity I had for his sorry ass are completely gone.

Now, to be fair, I think he has been set up by Salusa and the MACHINE. As a matter of fact, I think this boy is so deeply plugged into the MACHINE that he has lost all sense of self and ego, which is why he clings so desperately to his fantasies of me--for I am so strongly, vibrantly real, that many find me offensive. He is just strongly attracted to what he lacks. Now, a side word of warning to all Patriots--there has been another major, negative flip of the MACHINE, and all beings, human and alien, who are compromised by it, are once again in jeopardy of losing their autonomy and acting destructively on behalf of the MACHINE. However, "Little Boy Lost" has been a goner for a long time--I first saw him in a laundry mat, about six months ago,and looking at his needy, vacant eyes, I saw that he had absolutely nothing to give on a soul level, but could only take, on an infantile level. Eyes like that indicate to me, with my psychological experience of criminals, a possibly hidden, but deep psychosis. Think Anthony Perkins in "Psycho"--he might not be an overtly acting-out psycho, but the pathological potential is definitely there, and I would warn anyone against giving Little Boy Lost, any deep or privileged confidence.

But continuing on with the narrative...night time comes, and all of a sudden, I get really sick and intoxicated on something (probably date rape drugs). I am all high, giddy, and giggly, and as I talk to PF, and she is as giddy and giggly as me. I ask her, "Are you drunk?", which was crazy to even consider, because not only does she not drink at all, but she has made it clear that she doesn't like me to drink alcohol--not even, a relaxing double shot or two. In response to my question, she just giggles. I am too intoxicated to care much about such an answer, and I giggle back, and I tell her, "well, I feel drunk".

I now know that it wasn't PF to whom I was talking at all--it was "Little Boy Lost", accompanied by Salusa, who had decided to invade my psychic privacy. Getting their "peep on" was no longer enough--now they wanted a piece of direct action. Because I was so intoxicated on something, the rest was just a blur, but very quickly I recognized that I was in the presence of two very evil beings who were enjoying, with vicious and selfish delight, tapping into my brain and emotions, while I became sexually aroused and VERY briefly, sexually active in a telepathic manner. The experience and recognition of deep evil is like the experience and recognition of deep holiness--it can only be discerned by people of true spirit (and yes, evil spirited persons can recognize a holy person faster than a holy person can recognize an evil one, and they hate us!).

Now, there may have another alien involved, because at some point, I realized, drunk on drugs as I was, that there was absolutely no spiritual or emotional connection whatsoever, and that is when a voice ask, "Who are you fucking?". I realized then, that there was NO DISCERNIBLE PRESENCE, whatsoever. That ended all sexual desire on the spot, at which point the voice persisted, talking to me about how I really was a gay man, and PF was really a gay man, and that we would really be happy as a gay male couple. At this point, I knew that I was being manipulated and tricked by alien being(s), so I told him, absolutely not--that I had already engaged in a variety of sexual experiences with PF, including one unique to gay men, and I know what she really likes, and what I really like, and anal sex is not that enjoyable to either of us. Still, he insisted that PF wanted to be a man, in a gay male relationship, and I told him at the time, that, if that was what she wanted, it was acceptable to me, as long as I was the dominant one! If that revealing line of psychological insecurity doesn't prove that I am a true man, I don't know what else will!!


Still, the entire experience and exchange was extremely unpleasant, full of malice, manipulation, and mind control from their end, and intoxicated confusion on mine. At the very beginning of the encounter, they had changed the energetic charge of my spine--I literally felt it changing--it was as if they moved something up and down it. I don't know what they did--either changed my charged to female, or dampened my ability to enjoy sex, but the end result is that I have lost a lot of my drive, energy, and sense of well-being. Screw that! I am so used to being fucked up by these goddamned occult torturers, I don't even worry about it anymore--I know sooner or later, some benevolent force will change it back to normal. Otherwise, I will just walk around half alive. Even as I write this, I feel negative psychic intrusion coming on--and it is really pissing me off. I have to get out of this house, and away from the range of the sorry ass piece of shit that is violating my privacy once again.

Well, a walk around the alley a few times has done me no good, really. I still feel the implant in my anal/sacral areal being "pushed", but the thought that "Little Boy Lost" is behind it all, just feels me with supreme disgust. So, as fucking annoying as it is, I am going to persevere with this post, as I finally realized who is the person of whom Little Boy Lost is triggering in my unconscious--MY MOTHER!!

You know, my mother had me fooled for years, for decades even, but I realize now the enormity of her evil and emptiness, and though consciously I have resolved not to let her entrap me again, she still has an unconscious hold over me. THIS IS WHY NO VIRTUOUS PERSON OF INTEGRITY WOULD EVER INITIATE SEXUAL RELATIONS IN THE ASTRAL REALM, WITHOUT PERMISSION BEING GIVEN IN THE CONSCIOUS REALM!! PF never did, and never has astral sex with her, resulted in my waking up with that sickening, violated, angry feeling that I do, after one of the occult power-tripping boys play their nasty, non-consensual (from the conscious realm) fucks. I term it psychic rape, because, like a largely unconscious child, I have not given conscious consent, and it leaves me feeling incredibly violated WHICH I HAVE MADE CLEAR, OVER AND OVER AGAIN, IN POST AFTER POST AFTER POST. It doesn't matter if it is the goddamned reptiles, Nazis, or these stupidass, immature Faction 2 humans engaging in it--IT IS AN ABUSIVE POWERTRIP ALL THE FUCKING WAY!!!

It is understandable that as a child, youth and adult, that I allowed myself to be hooked into her clinging, dependent, infantile, and pathological helplessness, but I know now that she was complicit in the murders of both my father and her own teenager daughter. Furthermore, she had to know the horrible fate that awaited my sister, and she still co-operated, and all the years, I played the dysfunctional family "hero", always trying to hold things together, and make life easier, and all the time, she was laughing inside at the success of her deception and evil plans.

Well, I guess I still am not free of that--because that is "Little Boy's Lost" exact same trip. "I'm so needy and helpless and I want somebody to love me", while inside he hates his own infantile emptiness and lack of self, and longs to destroy what he himself does not possess--covertly, of course, little by little, so that no one ever knows. More than anything else, I have wished that somehow I could save my mother from the evil she has chosen, but after my most recent trip to her home (which I really didn't think I would arrive there, but my expected hopes were dashed), I know that is impossible. What happens to abysmally evil people, I do not know--but I know enough not to hook up one with one.

So, "Little Boy Lost" stay far away from me. If you are seated next to me on an airline flight, I am going to ask attendants to change seats. If I catch you staring at my these Nazi-created monstrosities on my chest ever again, I am going to ream you a new asshole, IF I am in a shitty, unresponsive and passive mood. If I am my healthy, engaging self, I am going to slap you--in a feminine way, of course--we wouldn't want to shock the innocent bystanders, would we? I know that you don't have the balls to respond, but if some demonic angel is whispering in your ear, well, we are just going to have a throwdown. A couple of warnings are in order: first, you have violated the boundaries of my manhood for the last time, and I am boiling over with the opportunity to clearly set them up again; second--when I am in a female body, I have no problem fighting dirty. Furthermore, I should warn you, that all my life, I have been unremittingly male in my willingness to take a beat down, whether in the family or the workplace, as long as my sense of self has been violated, my cause is just, and my patient long suffering has been abused and is finally at an end, not only because of what you have done to me, but also because you physically assaulted PF.

I am ashamed to say that I didn't even know what had happened, until I intuited it hours later, but it happened yesterday, when I was so sick that I could barely lift my head, but I know now. I also know the reason for the unconscious hold that Little Boy Lost had on me. Hopefully, this entire sordid, disgusting chapter of unconscious sexual exploitation by men (it's always the young males--go out and find a girlfriend, for Christ's sake) IS OVER! If not, I guarantee you that I shall continue to vent quite loudly.