I was violated and mutilated again last night. It is funny, but I can always tell when I am raped, or I sell my own self out while dreaming. I just have to wake up, and spend a little time wondering what is wrong with me and why do I feel like fucking shit. Of course, today, the process was helped along by the pain I feel in my body where the GODDAMNED FUCKING PIGS OF FACTION 2 CUT ON MY BODY AGAIN.
I am getting better, though. After last night's mutilation at the hands of a factional clique--it does not matter if it is the liberal or the conservative wing, or whether they want me to be a "White Virgin Mary" insipid icon figure, or a soul enslaved" Black Isis" plugged into the MACHINE--I think I finally am beginning to understand why I suffer so much at the hands of these stunted pervs, and even haters, of the true feminine, humanity, and the Holy Spirit within all.
It is my own neurotic fear of my own sexuality and emotional life, and its possible loss, that sinks my soul into the depths of depression, and once that happens, and I go to sleep in that depressed state, that the KaBal demonic and their front line soldiers, are able to gain power over me in the unconscious state. That is when I become timid and fearful of owning and asserting my own self, with all the proud identity and free will of a sovereign human person, and become a helpless dependent child again. When I am a boy child in the astral realm, I am immature in my self-identity, but I am not afraid and rejecting of it. When I am a girl child in the astral realm, I have lost all sense of self-identity, and am just mirroring back what the powers that be want of me.
So, I have to become self-aware of what is causing this fear, recognize the mental state of anxiety and depression that it entails, and FIGHT it, whenever I am attacked by the temptation to succumb to it. I will have to do what I do when I feel my mind being tracked into the MACHINE-RA mono-groove--no matter how crazy or ridiculous, I engage in an entire spectrum of actions and behaviors, to prevent being consumed by it. However, the ultimate cure is recognizing and resolving the source of the fear--which I think goes back to my incarnation as Osiris.
I have been lazy the past few days--well, at least, intellectually. There has been a lot going on in my mind, but my emotional life has really opened up in the past week or so, and dealing with emotional matters, even if they are positive ones, always take so much energy from me. Then too, it has been spring, and every spring, my inner poet delights in just being present to the blossoming, warming world. It used to happen to me every spring in college. I was no slacker, but the first week of spring always found me outside, ignoring all my studies and books, while I just sat outside and did nothing but breathe praise to God for the glory of Creation. However, duty to the demands of reality would always rein me back, and so after a few days, I would return to my responsibilities and obligations.
So, it is now--joy and bliss has reined me back in from . I just made morning love to PF for the first time in several days (long story), and now I am fiercely charged and motivated to once more engage in the hard work necessary, so that I can enter the dimensional world from which I am consciously barred, but which is the primary residence of my wife and children.
When it comes to the world or my country being in danger, I can read and write with the greatest of urgency, spending all day or night at my keyboard, eating takeout, and ignoring all distractions. However, I really have to fight with myself, in order to write about my own self. Thoughts and words about myself, while abundant, and indeed, redundant, in my imagination, do not like to take written self-expression on the page. Yet, I know that whatever fear or negative karma is holding me back, has to be addressed and expressed, if I am ever to be free of them. So it is time to shake off the contemplative, springtime sloth, and get back to energetic and active contemplative work.