Friday, January 13, 2012

Checked my voice mail

Checked my voice mail and there was a message from my dr. No doubt she had been consulted about my anxiety attack yesterday. I am NOT going to apologize for my anxiety--yes, I am GABA deficient and have autistic perception of reality, which fuels abnormally high anxiety. However, I tell you what really fuels anxiety--waking up with my shoulders cut off, missing a whole set of ribs, or having my genitalia mutilated in my sleep. After having people I trusted and/or loved throw me jail for 6 months--where I was under constant anxious assault, because I could not get the private time or intellectual stimulation I need to be hapy. Or maybe, it was being thrown into a mental hospital, where I was constantly told how mentally ill I was--and guess what the goddamned riserdol did make me ill. Maybe it is the years of being forced fed psychotropic drugs of every imaginable stripe, of nearly dying because I could not escape the constant frequency assaults that made me so ill I could barely function. Maybe it is the result of years of never knowing if the person who is approaching me is going to zap me, and start the dreaded viral flow that makes me sick. Hell, in the last month, I have thrown away over $150.00 of groceries, because they were contaminated at the point of sale--I don't mean that they made me queasy; rather, they made me violently ill.

Maybe my anxiety is caused by the knowledge of arcane truths regarding the particulars of evil power in the world--of which nothing in my traditional education--secular or spiritual prepared me. Then keep in mind, that I figured all of this out by myself--which is a good thing, because I have had so many luciferian deceptions thrown at me, it is a miracle that I am a free woman today. Yes indeed, I may be anxious, but it is the anxiety of someone whose freedom is constantly under assault, not the brain-doped calm that MACHINE-RA gives (read the psychs evals of Casey Anthony). Finally, do not underestimate my sensitivity to intuitive impressions. When I know of an impending attack, my anxiety goes sky-high. It is my unconscious' way of alerting my conscious mind to start dredging up the clues. Thus the night Obama prepped to murder not only Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie, but also millions of Americans, I couldn't watch a movie about vampires. On the eve of Friday 13th I knew something big and bad was planned, and my anxious response, while worrying to some, is just my way of dealing with that reality. I could be like 99% of the population, and have no idea at all what is going on, but my heightened "extrasensory" perception is both a blessing and a curse with which I have learned to live

Finally, I don't know who I can trust--when I see humanoid figures shapeshifting into animals and other people (and taking over their personalities and knowledge, I tend to get a little nervous). Mostly my fear and anxiety though, centers around my apprehension that am not allowed to choose my own self-identity. Everybody wants me to be an icon that fulfills their projected expectations, and all they have done is confuse and undermine my once secure self-esteem and self-identity, which given my intersexed gender, autistic handicap, and difficult circumstances of life, was an individualized accomplishment of which I was proud.

Well, I figured out a few things yesterday, and it was crisis panic mode that led to the insights, so I am not sorry that I had an anxiety attack. For the first time, I think I grasp a little of what is going on in my personal life. Most of the time, I am so busy concentrating on the big picture, I never spend any time thinking about myself--which is not hard, when I am as miserable as I can be in this mutilated, unnatural,female body. I think that there is at least one solid transdimensional person (and really a lot more) that truly desires my well-being (and that includes my insistence for personal sovereignty and freedom of choice for self-identity).

You know, starting in the late 90's when the Spiritual Life Institute (no doubt under the urging of Opus Dei/Maurice Strong tyes), began web-camming me in my apartment, I just learned to shut the bastards out. However, now that I recognize that there is a legitimate desire for relationship on the part of at least one psychic constantly "in my mind", I find myself becoming self-conscious, WHICH GUESS WHAT?--makes me ANXIOUS!!!

No drug in the world is going to fix that. They will just limit and hinder me--just like today, I am all zombied out on some kind of drug--probably was given some sedative last night. So now, I am so tired that it is difficult to even think about three hours of research, but I tell myself to do it, then I am going home and either sleep (if I can) or watch TV...


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