I dread to sleep tonight,

I dread to sleep tonight, so I thought I would post a bedtime piece, since writing often vents out frustration and anger. However, the first few minutes sitting at my computer have not been calming at all.

First, I see "Snooki" on a MSM home page. Now, I am trying to avoid being negative, so I won't launch into a critique of our narcissistic and meaningless celebrity culture. What really ticked me off, though, was that it was about "slender Snooki's" body type. Well, first of all, let me say that I don't find women of her body type, sexy or appealing in any way. I am not impressed with a slight build and oversized, fake boobs (except for Dolly Parton, but in her case, it is her charm which is so mesmerizing!). What really angered me about the picture though, is that it reminds me of my own constant misery. I was cut on again last night, and I have felt the pain all day--once again, the ribs have been constricted and shaved, so that I have these outsized breasts drooping over a tiny rib cage. I quit worrying about the goddamned boobs already. They don't belong there, and when I get autonomy over my own body back, they will be gone one way or another. However, I do mind the pain and misery caused by the constricted rib cage and thoracic cavity. I can't even ride a bike without bad asthma kicking in, and my ribs hurt so badly that it is hard to sit, hard to breathe, and I find myself walking stooped, because I don't have the muscular strength to walk upright. My back is so messed up with all the mutilations that I haven't even been able to walk up and down the alley a couple of times. I bought an exercise wheel used as rehabilitating exercise for invalids and the elderly, but even that makes me asthmatic, and I can only use it for stretches of two to three minutes.

So, I sign on, and find that I have a "follower"--a goddamned Nazi named "Kold Kadaver" whose profile brags about being dead, and apparently plugged into MACHINE-RA! Lucky f-ing me...just what I always wanted--a Nazi cadaver following me around. So I had to figure out how to delete his blonde, flat-topped, Fourth Reich-uniformed, DEAD ass from my journal. Yuck! However, I did figure it out, and along the way read some comments that I didn't even know existed, though I do remember getting an e-mail from my ex-sister-in-law, expressing alarm about this blog, which she stumbled on to by accident. She herself is an entrenched dope addict, but no doubt she was concerned that I had lost my mind.

No, I haven't lost my mind, just millions and millions of neurons. Seriously, I tried to read a book, and I now read like I did in fourth grade--slowly, and pronouncing the words out loud in my head. I used to be a real speed reader, with excellent comprehension and recall. I try to reactivate the old faculty, and I just cannot comprehend the reading at my once-familiar speed. It's as if all the damned drugs, especially the lithium that nearly killed me, have slowed my mind down so much that my brain no longer moves at a natural, rapid speed. However, my problems with reading go deeper than that. I am suffering from severe ADHD--not just with books, but with Internet research as well. I suppose that my handlers really don't mind much, so long as their psychics can read my thoughts, while I skim headlines, but I know that insights don't just hit me like lightning thunderbolts. I have reams of images and data in my head which I am able to access when the inspirational bug starts to buzz. It is important that I keep updating my mental material and knowledge, because time is critical, and this year is going to be as hugely demanding as 2011--at least for the next few months, as well as, I think, a couple of other crucial, high-tension points.

Of course, sometimes dreams can provide inspirational material, but mostly I just have nightmares. Such was the case last night. I have thought about it all day, and do believe that I did encounter a satanist last night. I don't know who he was, but in my dream, my door was open, and though he knocked, it is frightening to realize the level of my vulnerability. I guess that it helps that in my dreams I can protect myself somewhat--or otherwise, I wouldn't have shut the door on him. However, some things I seem unable to control--like the continual cutting on my body. I don't know who is doing it--the religously fundamentalist dog Sirians or Salusa's faction.

I have a feeling that I was offered some kind of haven last night, probably the Black psychic community, but I declined. I am not sure why, but I am a reasonable person, so there must be a good reason. Maybe they want me to give up all claim to a White self-identity--something I don't feel comfortable doing, although if I am in a Black skin, the Black identity will naturally grow on me.

However, I am not ashamed or unhappy with genes that are White, or Brown, or Black, or Asian, or Jewish, or Mayan Indian, Hispanic or Scotch Irish. I am tired of everybody in the world wanting to be better than someone else, or to be dominating over the other. I am sorry for any Black hopes of a new eon in which the Black man is the dominating and imperial force on the planet, although I know that this is the vision pressed by the "Mayan (illusion) calendar" of MACHINE-RA, and embraced and manipulated by some really unsavory characters (religious fundamentalists plugged into the MACHINE), many of which I have outed in this blog.

I think that I have been duped many times by the MACHINE, and I am hoping that this time, I get it right. A planetary reset with the northern hemisphere destroyed, and all civilization based in Africa and South America and South Asia (Oz and NZ will be gone, too), is what I am trying to avoid. Nor do I wish to be a "Galactic Being", much as the Sirians have done for (mostly White) humanity over the centuries. I think this planet is ready to move out of this immature state that depends on galactic "patrons" for guidance and boosts. I know that Black Africa lost their galactic patron thousands of years ago, but really I think that they will be fine, as long as evil influences, such as the "Lord's Army" (MACHINE-RA mind control at work) are checked.

Yes, there still is a lot of underdevelopment that hinders full and conscious awareness of humanity's true reality, but so much of that is tied into the subjugation of women, that I think natural cultural changes will be sufficient to move forward. When women recognize their own self-identity as primarily a spiritual being with free will and free choice, instead of solely as a mother of (male) children, then the birth rate will go down, and quality of life for all will go up. Children reared in smaller families not only have more resources available to them, but they often get greater attention to their psychological higher needs. There are a lot of positive signs that real progress is being made. I was especially heartened to see the Egyptian women rally after one of their sisters was brutally stomped and undressed while demonstrating. Gratifying too, was that their menfolk formed a protective ring around them while they demonstrated. This sends a strong signal that women refuse to be deprived of their full dignity as humans and citizens, and are ready to take action to prove it.

Then, tonight I saw that there is a Chinese show, where one girl chooses from 100 male contestants to marry. The gender imbalance created by female aborticide, in China and India, is truly deplorable. What I can't understand is why the society doesn't function to redress an imbalance that can only lead to massive and widespread psychological suffering (humans are meant to be paired), destabilization, and eventual extinction. In a healthy society, geared to preservation, the pendulum should be swinging the other way. As girls become more scarce, THEY should become more valuable and esteemed. Since I live in a free market society, I would say that grooms should pay the bride a price in order to accommodate the supply/demand imbalance However, I know that is my western capitalistic values, so I enjoyed seeing evidence of a more original alternative that China is employing.

In Africa, the peace Nobel peace prize went to 2 or 3 separate women. The president of Liberia, Brazil and Argentina are women, while for all our vaunted democracy, North American female candidates still encounter a hostile environment, that in some cases reeks of sexism.

So, I am confident that humanity is ready to move into a completely new phase. Yes, some areas and some individuals in the planet are lagging (here in this country, drug addiction is handicapping the spiritual self-awareness of a significant minority of our population). However, I think 2012 is a year that this planet leaps forward into an unexplored, but positive and hopeful future, rather than a recycle reset of the same old MACHINE-RA manipulation and scenario.

I am not suffering so miserably for nothing. I am willing to fight for the future, even if it kills me--and all I would remind all those out there who are living, breathing, human beings, and not walking "Kold Kadavers", is that heroism is an individual mandate. The era of childish dependency on a heroic figure who will "save us" is old school mentality, mind-control mentality. It is incumbent upon each one of us, each individual, each human person, to realize that the magnificence of our being resides within, and while it takes effort, spiritual discipline, and maturity to push it out (Man or Womanhood virtue), that is our call, and that is our future, and I personally won't settle for anything less--not for all the "glory" and "acclaim" in the cosmos.