I am dreading to go to sleep--that means that I am dreading the abduction experience. I was cut on again last night, and once the viral shit starts, I am in the familiar pain of having my rib cage feeling bruised and constricted. Fucking female hormones leave me completely unable to do much of anything, which leads to a feeling of depression. I am a man--I feel most alive when I am PHYSICAL, ENERGETIC, ACTIVELY ALIVE. I started to watch an old mvie about vampires---"Last Man Alive", and couldn't bear to watch it. I have never been a fan of horror movies anyway, but in this earlier version of "I Am Legend", the hero spends his days hunting down vampires and killing them, and spends his nights sleeping in his clothes, slumbering on the couch, while vampires attack his home. I guess the latter is too similar to my reality, while the former, to me, seems futile. Why kill a handful of vampires every night in a large city full of vampires. I know that there are real vampires out there in the cosmos--beings sucked dry of all spirit and life--like the wizened, malevolent gnome I saw at Smith's, but I try to see myself as preserving human life, rather than focusing on killing every last vampire.
The vampires I have to worry about are the psychological ones. I have learned that when I am force fed female hormones, I adopt a feminine personal in my astral body. It is not a real female persona, but the men who get hooked into it, are not capable of relating to a real female--they want an idealized anima figure that hooks into their own subjugated feminine in the unconscious. This could very well be either the Templars or religious celibates. I tell them what I tell all men who have an idealized, unreal feminine in their heads--GET INTO A REAL RELATIONSHIP WITH A REAL WOMAN. Learn how to live and love, to fight and reconcile, power struggle, and love share, and most importantly of all, to commit faithfully with a real woman, instead of living out a relationship with the feminine in your fantasy.
I was going to continue this post, but I am in a lot of pain from the mutilations...finish it tomorrow.