Saturday, January 21, 2012

STUPID, FUCKING ASSHOLE PRICKS

STUPID, FUCKING ASSHOLE PRICKS--all the cursing in the world can't change how frustrated I am at now being able to exercise autonomy over my own body. The reason for my anger--I just lifted up my shirt, and saw that I am gaining dramatic amounts of weight. Is my dead brain the result of lithium? Unlike what the fucking blood drinking, anorexic vampires think, I am hardly eating---especially since they contaminated my food. All of it tastes like shit. The higher quality the food, the more unbearable it is to eat it, but the body still hungers for proteins, so I try to force myself. I may be on some kind of cannabis, but it sure isn't making me hungry.
Rather, as often with lithium or depakote or risperdol, I lose all appetite.

So, how did I bother to check on my weight gain. Well, I went for a late night up and down the alley stroll, and when I got back, my boxers and thighs were soaking wet with vaginal secretions. I stuffed a pillow case in there, so I don't feel like a wet-diapered baby all night. Unfortunately, this event, reminded me of what I try so hard to block out, every single moment of every single day--awareness of this fucked up, caricatured female body and huge boobs that drive me crazy and fill me with disgust. So, having been reminded of my hateful body, I bit the bullet and pulled up my tee shirt in front of a mirror. My bodily sensations were correct. I am gaining massive amounts of weight, and am bloated, gassy and miserable.

So I guess I know now why I have absolutely no emotional life or response, except anger--the fucking drugs the stupid assholes are forcing down me, are killing everything. What a fucking pip of a way to end my day. I should make a rule--just like I no longer wear pajamas, I should make sure never to look at this disgusting fat, cow boobed body never again in a mirror before bedtime.

FUCK YOU GODDAMNED ASSHOLES RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS--KEEP PISSING ME OFF, SO I CAN KEEP EXPOSING YOUR VAMPIRE, DEAD ASSES.

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