Wednesday, January 25, 2012

I have moved beyond a feeling of out of sorts

I have moved beyond a feeling of out of sorts to downright, disabling depression. I have to peptalk myself for an hour to just get out of bed, and now I don't have the energy to even finish my morning read. Once again, this is all related to sexuality/spirituality.

On Sunday morning, I was pleasantly surprised to realize that I had my penis back inside my belly. I know--not only is it the source of sexual arousal, it brings a feeling of being alive and able to relate to the world. I suppose it is uncomfortable to have sexual tension there, but as I felt it, I knew that was normal for me, and it felt good. It did NOT feel good to have no sexual partner to release the tension. I was too inhibited to even masturbate, wondering how many people are inside my head. However, because that is my normal way of sexual being in the world, and I have dealt with that same situation hundreds, if not thousands of times before, I know how to discipline and work with it--physical exercise helps a lot.

Right now, I am not capable of physical exercise at all, but so what? I have no sexual libido, no energy, no agapic love to bestow upon anybody--just peevish anger and even rage at being denied my manhood and necessary testosterone levels.

I am sure that I asked for the penis to be removed. Why? I think I am dealing with classic psychological conflicts--I know what they are, and I know I need to deal with them, but I am so drugged, I have no energy to do anything at all.

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