Same old, same old--no sooner do I write that I am feeling better, than I get blasted with an increase of the viral dosage. I was in severe pain last night, as I tried to sleep, because my back was so arched that even the uppermost thoracic spine was curved off the floor--that is a much more painful experience than when the lumbar or middle thoracic back is unnaturally curved and arched. I should know--I have been dealing with the latter for years.
I woke up barely able to see or walk. My ankles have been so cut on that they are hardly there. However, the problem is that the autism in the brain caused a natal neurological development so that I have difficulty flexing my legs and feet--they want to flex up, rather than down. This is why I can't flex my legs/feet to fit into a pair of Ugg boots. My mom told me that when I was a toddler, I never walked normally, but always on tip toes, and I find myself doing that again. How crippled am I going to get before this nightmare is over?
My neighbor, trying to be helpful, told me that oxygen helped him, but even though I spent the morning pondering it, I knew that isn't the problem. The problem is lack of testosterone. So I tested my hypothesis. Bingo. You know, I had to quit taking testosterone, because the goddamned Amon-RA cult runs every health supplement store in town (not surprised--I think most of their supplements have hidden viral codes in them). I have a very few left, and I took a couple, knowing that initially I would feel like shit, as the viral load hit, and then I would feel much better. I didn't want to take them on an empty, hurting stomach, but my inner voice told me that I didn't even have enough testosterone to digest food. So I took two of the T-tabs. I was wrong. I already felt so bad, that there was no negative rush. Instead I felt noticeably better and could actually open my eyes. I need about 10 of those T-tabs, just to be functional, but one thing that all parties who wish to control me, agree upon--they prefer me as a female. I keep saying that I am not one, and I don't even care if heavy doages of testosterone masculinize me when I am in this mutilated, fucked up, whittled down, body. I just want to feel healthy. I don't care if people think I am a hairy, hormonal freak--I just want to be healthy. I should do research--lot on my mind, but I need to lay down. Need more testosterone--lots more testoserone. Without it, i am barely functional.