Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Dreamed last night that I was unable to start a fire
Dreamed last night that I was unable to start a fire in the water heater of my house. Also, dreamed that my bicycle (sense of self and self-powered energy) was taken from me. The dream forecast my morning so far. I am struggling to even get up and move. I have popped every herbal testosterone supplement that I have, but still I feel like a centarian on her death bed, who has to be wheeled everywhere. The dream is telling me what I have been screaming at my "handlers" for months now. My body NEEDS TESTOSTERONE to function. Without it, I am autistically peripheral to reality, cranky and perpetually low energy. Mentally, I take shortcuts and don't do a thorough job in my research and presentation as I should. Right now, I am just waving off so many lines of interest that need pursuing. I just don't have the necessary energy to delve deeply into anything. So, I truly regret if my half baked musings slight anyone unfairly. However, there are certain subjects of which I have researched either topically or intuititively for a long time--such as Free or James Jones, and when there is a crunch going on, I spill out long held opinions without my normally careful nuance. There is so much going on, and I cannot even do my usual morning paper read--the brain does not have enough fuel to do sustained concentration for a couple or three hours. I am just looking to see if there is a fire that I need to help put out, and I am sorry but that is all I can do, even if it does feel to me that I am being unfair in the lack of substantiated presentation. No fires that I can see this morning, so I will force myself to get up and do some chores. Life is so difficult, that I can only do one thing at a time--instead of running multiple errands on a day trip. Just the thought of doing one simple task--my laundry--feels like climbing Mt. Everest--might as well get to it.