Thursday, November 3, 2011

If you are noticing a theme in my posts of the last few days

If you are noticing a theme in my posts of the last few days, it is that I am not doing any in-depth research. I have agendas that I need to do, but the high estrogen I am on undermines not only my ambition, desire, and "fire in my belly", but also the ability to think through issues with concentration and tenacity. The estrogen has me so low energy that I am just going through life like I am high. I hate it, when people start calling me, "hon" and treating me like a cute pet they want to pat on the head. This high estrogen lulls have been experienced before--and I always have hated the way they make me feel and the violation of my body/person that occurs when it happens (as soon as someone calls me "hon", I bristle with anger a their understanding of me). This is the state I was in, when I was abused by a doctor. I just do not have any ooompph in my body or psyche as a woman--I am just a walking rug. While shopping today, I thought how appropriate it was that I visited a store patronized by senior citizens--because that is where my energy level is at. At the laundry mart, I had difficulty engaging in brief Spanish cconversation with the attendant. That is another symptom of high estrogen--difficulty with language, and the sure fire test is to try to speak Spanish, which for me, is a second language, and involves extra mental work.

I don't know what muscles the fuckers cut out of me, but my breasts are heavy and ponderous, disgusting to me beyond belief. Thank God, winter is nearly here, and i can wear sweat shirts to try to disguise them--except that none of my sweat shirts fit my fat belly and stumpy arms. One thing for sure--i dont give a fuck about my appearance. I feel as freakish and miserable as I look. To make matters worse, my breasts are smelling like milk again--drives me up a fucking wall. As always, the estrogen puts me in a foul mood--just miserable and angry. Apparently, I ask for this at night, or say I want to be a woman, ect, but I know this is just social conditioning of decades long history asserting its bogus claim. I watched the video of the TX girl whose father whipped her (another man who needs to lose his job--he is a child abuse judge, for God's sake!), and was reminded of all the whippings I took as a child to be "obedient" as a girl. Of course, unlike the girl in the video, I took my whippings like a man, and refused to let out a sound, and I sure as hell never begged for mercy, but still the girl identity was beaten into me, and now it is so branded and so proudly assertive to be its own woman, that it doesn't want to ride into the sunset. But I am NOT a woman--I just faked people out for a long time. I do not have feminine energy. I HATE, HATE, HATE THE WAY THESE GODDAMNED FEMALE HORMONES MAKE ME FEEL. I should feel energetic, extroverted, and alive, not sluggish, slow, and half dead. I HATE THESE FUCKING BIG BOOBS. I hate the way they smell, the way they feel on me, and the way that they look. I HATE THE WHOLE WAY MY BODY IS--I want my shoulders forward, my hips reverted to the original position,tilting forward and upward, and strength and musculature returned to my body and limbs.

Or so I say when I am conscious...who knows what I say in my sleep that causes this continued mutilation and torment...

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